I’m new here, I never visited a therapist and never been diagnosed having PTSD but right now I feel totally down. I’m collecting my courage to write here, I apologized for my messed up sentences because English is not my native language and I write this with tears on my face.
I suffered childhood abuse since I was 7 years old by my eldest sister, she is 4 years older than me and she beat me when my parents were not home. But then when I was 13 until I was 20 years old, my parents were often had arguments and they beat me even I didn’t know what their problems were. They beat my face, punched my head, hit me with broom, hit my head to the wall and other kind of physical abuses. I tried to avoid the hit but they considered it as I fought them back so they hit me even harder and called my 2 other sisters to hit me more. I kept wondering why I deserve such treatment, my other 2 sisters never received a single beat from my parents. I was a quiet child and I never asked so much, I never asked toys or new clothes but I loved books so much. I saved my money to buy books and one day they burned some of my collections. I wonder why they hated me so much. I always in top 3 ranks at school, I participated many school competitions and I earned scholarship from school and I always questioned myself where did I go wrong. These memories still haunting me.
So last year I had a vehicle accident, I was riding 60km/h but I was crashed from the front by other. I got broken jaw, mild head injury and some scars on my face. All my physical injuries are healed but I feel a big change in me, I always scared to go out and I have a lot of nightmares. Most of my nightmares are related to hospital or surgery. I always trembling whenever I had to go out by myself.
And then bad thing happened last March, I was riding to work alone when I saw an accident right infront of me. I saw their blood, I saw their lifeless body and it freaked me so much but I still went to work although I was shaking. I sent a message to my sister and told her what I saw, I told her how scared I was. Her respond was really short, she asked me how many people died in the accident and that’s it. I wanted to be comforted but I didn’t get any. So I went home still shaking, I told my mom what I saw, she told me Im just over reacting because accident is everywhere and can happen to anyone. I felt like nobody understand that it reminded me to my own accident and how painful it was for me.
I started to have more nightmares, scared to go out, cry a lot, hyperventilating so much and have anxiety attacks symptoms. So I told my sister that I think I need to get professional help or therapist, she said in disbelieving tone “why do you need one.” For them, if physical injuries are healed it is mean im fine. Nobody understands what I feel. And since I saw another people’s accident on March, I could not drive at all and I became so dependant on other to take me to work or somewhere else. So I feel like a prisoner of my ownself. Sometimes I feel suicidal and wished I had die in the accident so I didn’t have to go through this.
I don’t really have friends to talk to. I’m a bit traumatic sharing what I feel to others because I’m being judged as attention seeker or a drama queen. I never wanted these traumas to reoccurring and made me cry. There are some acquaintances, they know I have suicidal thought and all they do just laughing and mocking me. I don’t want to be weak but with these memories flooding me, it’s triggered my anxiety.
I suffered childhood abuse since I was 7 years old by my eldest sister, she is 4 years older than me and she beat me when my parents were not home. But then when I was 13 until I was 20 years old, my parents were often had arguments and they beat me even I didn’t know what their problems were. They beat my face, punched my head, hit me with broom, hit my head to the wall and other kind of physical abuses. I tried to avoid the hit but they considered it as I fought them back so they hit me even harder and called my 2 other sisters to hit me more. I kept wondering why I deserve such treatment, my other 2 sisters never received a single beat from my parents. I was a quiet child and I never asked so much, I never asked toys or new clothes but I loved books so much. I saved my money to buy books and one day they burned some of my collections. I wonder why they hated me so much. I always in top 3 ranks at school, I participated many school competitions and I earned scholarship from school and I always questioned myself where did I go wrong. These memories still haunting me.
So last year I had a vehicle accident, I was riding 60km/h but I was crashed from the front by other. I got broken jaw, mild head injury and some scars on my face. All my physical injuries are healed but I feel a big change in me, I always scared to go out and I have a lot of nightmares. Most of my nightmares are related to hospital or surgery. I always trembling whenever I had to go out by myself.
And then bad thing happened last March, I was riding to work alone when I saw an accident right infront of me. I saw their blood, I saw their lifeless body and it freaked me so much but I still went to work although I was shaking. I sent a message to my sister and told her what I saw, I told her how scared I was. Her respond was really short, she asked me how many people died in the accident and that’s it. I wanted to be comforted but I didn’t get any. So I went home still shaking, I told my mom what I saw, she told me Im just over reacting because accident is everywhere and can happen to anyone. I felt like nobody understand that it reminded me to my own accident and how painful it was for me.
I started to have more nightmares, scared to go out, cry a lot, hyperventilating so much and have anxiety attacks symptoms. So I told my sister that I think I need to get professional help or therapist, she said in disbelieving tone “why do you need one.” For them, if physical injuries are healed it is mean im fine. Nobody understands what I feel. And since I saw another people’s accident on March, I could not drive at all and I became so dependant on other to take me to work or somewhere else. So I feel like a prisoner of my ownself. Sometimes I feel suicidal and wished I had die in the accident so I didn’t have to go through this.
I don’t really have friends to talk to. I’m a bit traumatic sharing what I feel to others because I’m being judged as attention seeker or a drama queen. I never wanted these traumas to reoccurring and made me cry. There are some acquaintances, they know I have suicidal thought and all they do just laughing and mocking me. I don’t want to be weak but with these memories flooding me, it’s triggered my anxiety.
