Inconsistent Support Is Worse Than None At All. I'm So Lonely.

[Sheer Force of Will]

Junebug, it's cool, this is a place for us all to be here for each other. I am glad you reached out to bubba. I am glad when anyone reaches out to another person. Bubba, I hope you are ok.

 

[Bubba]

Bubba, could you compromise? For example, if he wants intimacy and you want quiet and to de-stress, maybe cuddle a bit (limited talking), etc.?
Otherwise it sounds lonely for you both. :(

Hi Junebug - good question! I've tried compromising, but it seems like whatever I do offer is judged. And if I don't offer what he thinks I "should" offer - then he makes hurtful statements that I'm just a cold, unfeeling, detached person. There always seems to be strings attached and I never seem to be "good enough". He says I am, but then his actions and responses to me say the exact opposite.

Also, for me - I'm not a big hugger. I tend to feel very uncomfortable. At one point (before we found out about PTSD), we thought I had Aspergers, because I am not a big touchy feeley person. I even feel uncomfortable hugging my own adult children - weird as that may sound. So when it's time for me to destress, I pretty much like to isolate where I feel like I can really breathe and just be me. So if I did sit and cuddle - inevitably he would be questioning why I wasn't hugging him a certain way etc...so frustrating...

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

He and I talked last night. He came on here and read my posts and felt awful about it. He said that he feels like every change he tries to make just makes things worse, but he never actually tries to make changes. He gets so over whelmed and self loathing and nothing good ever comes of that. I hate to hear him hurting. There is so much pain in the world, I can't stand to add more to it.

Like I said, I am good on my own. I would also be ok with opening up to him and letting him be supportive if I could trust him, but it has to be one or the other. What I need right now is stability and consistency. I know that I can offer myself that, and I am comfortable doing so. If he could offer that, I would be comfortable with that too. I know that I would be able to rely on him because I have done so before. Before we were dating, he was my best friend and he was so good to me. He was kind and caring and attentive and never made me feel this way.

As soon as we started dating, things changed. He has been treating me like I am some sort of figurine that he owns, that if he handles to much it will break. I miss my best friend so much. I love him, but I hate the way I feel right now. I don't remember the last time I was this hurt and upset. It's like being abandoned my by parents all over again. They could never love me enough to stop hurting me, or to protect me. I know it's childish, but even though I can deal on my own, I don't want to. I did that for 22 years. I want to have a person in my life who I can rely on and I WANT IT TO BE HIM!!!

I feel like I am bleeding on the inside. Everything hurts. My parents could never be there for me. Four years ago, one of my foster brothers decided that I was his competition for his parents love, and convinced them to turn their backs on me. I know what it is to be alone in the world. I know that I can survive, but I don't want to. I am done surviving and I want to start LIVING. I want people in my life. I want to be able to ask for help and know that it will come. I want love in my life. I want him. I keep telling myself that if I did not love him I would not be hurting so much.

Now I am crying so hard that it's upsetting my dog. I want to stop feeling like this, but I understand that even strong relationships are painful sometimes. Pain is a part of life as much as joy is. Its not the pain that I want to escape. I want to live, not survive.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Bubba))) I hear you about living and not just surviving. Baby steps will take you to where you need and want to go. I hope things smooth over for you soon. You will live, I am confident of this it is way too important to you. Cyber hugs, I know you do not like to hug, but I thought cyber hugs would be ok.

 

[Bubba]

:) Thanks Gizmo!!!

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

Thanks for your support everyone. Unfortunately, the decision has kind of been made for me. He accidentally left his computer open and his family read my posts on this forum. They had a family meeting in which he discussed my PTSD with his family, and his family told him that they feel that I am unhealthily dependent on him. I feel that he is unhealthily dependent on me. Either way, it looks like the best thing for both of us is to take several steps back from this relationship. Additionally, now that his family knows about this forum and is willing to read it, I no longer feel comfortable posting here. I will miss having a safe place to spew my crazy thoughts and get help putting them in order. Thanks for all the help!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I will miss you Sheer Force of Will, hugs. Take care and be safe.

 

[Tinyflame]

SFoW, that's awful. You need (as does everyone) support and feedback. It sounds like his family needs to educate themselves.

If he is not strong enough or mature enough to make decisions (as an adult) apart from his family's opinions, perhaps it is for the best. You need someone as strong (or stronger) than you are. I know they will come along.
I wish you strength and peace.

Dear Bubba, was going to suggest holding hands, evidently that would be useless advice. It sounds like those responses are about him, not you.
Cyber hug also.

 

[Let It Be]

Just wanted to stop by again, and wish you nothing but the best and hopefully, everything will work out that you can still stop by here yourself.

Also, I wanted to tell you how your words impacted me, and heck, I might even be able to go outside again and sit on my patio and see what happens, have to deal with it, and summer is here. Oh, those baby steps...what a way to learn about "boundaries"!

Take care, and hugs whenever you need them!