So Much Despair

[sun seeker]

You do know that in order for that to happen, you are going to have to let down your walls and let someone in.

I keep trying to do that, and getting kicked every time because almost no one can handle it when they see how bad it really is. My therapist is the only person I can be that vulnerable with. A lot of the time he gets it. Today some weird thing was happening and he just wasn't. The longer we went on talking the more alone I felt. It's not for not trying to open up. All my life I've tried to find people I can be open and honest with, and it usually comes back to haunt me.

 

[LifeInterrupted]

It always feels that way when your body and mind are exhausted. You feel like you can't handle anymore and you just want the pain to END. Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself?

 

[sun seeker]

Give it to someone. Even if it's just to say, "I'm hurting, please help me!"

I keep trying. I wrote my therapist just now to tell him basically that, only in much more desperate terms. The thing is I don't know if he knows how to help right now. And damn it, that hurts.

 

[sun seeker]

Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself?

If you mean suicide, no. Well yes I think about it, but I don't plan on doing it.

 

[LifeInterrupted]

I keep trying to do that, and getting kicked every time because almost no one can handle it when the...

I definitely understand that. Friends are only receptive up to a point and then they just pretend to listen bc they don't know how to help. Thank goodness you actually have a counselor you trust and can open up to! Maybe TODAY he didn't get you, but does he for the most part? You have to remember that he's only human too.

 

[sun seeker]

but does he for the most part?

In person it works better. This was by phone. And he goes through these stages where it's like there is something keeping him from hearing me, and things I know he understood a few weeks ago, suddenly he doesn't anymore. Yes, of course he is human. That's just it. I feel like he is human and I'm not. I feel like he gets to live a normal life, and I don't. He was telling me about his summer plans... and I'm happy for him, just as I'm happy for the old people and the families I get to help... but I can't relate at all, can't even imagine having the things in my life that I provide for other people. I have no sense of a future for myself where I am not just trying to manage this pain. And to connect with others, I have to play some stupid game where I act like I understand and relate to what they are talking about, when inside I am screaming and feel like I can never stop.

 

[LifeInterrupted]

If you mean suicide, no. Well yes I think about it, but I don't plan on doing it.

Ok, that's good. That means you're hurting but you haven't decided. You definitely want help and ask for it, that's also good.

Desperation on the other hand can make you feel like no matter how hard you fight, you still fall back into the water drowning in grief. Since it is Friday evening, you may not get a reply until Monday. If you are feeling desperate now, what can you do in the meantime? I know talking helps, but if you're alone your desperation may increase

 

[LifeInterrupted]

. I feel like he gets to live a normal life, and I don't. He was telling me about his summer plans... and I'm happy for him, just as I'm happy for the old people and the families I get to help... but I can't relate at all, can't even imagine having the things in my life that I provide for other people. I have no sense of a future for myself where I am not

You NEED a BREAK. I don't care what's going on in that job... A family member can step in, someone ELSE from your employment can figure it out! If something were to happen to you today that was out of your control, the employer and client would HAVE TO adapt somehow some way. It is NOT worth dragging you down this far. If you need help, and I know that you do... Say F it! I'm getting it! I matter too!!!

 

[Snowflake]

You are loved sun seeker!!!!!! See how many people are reaching out to you??? You are loved!!!

 

[sun seeker]

You definitely want help and ask for it, that's also good.

Yes, but I don't trust that there is any. My therapist doesn't know what to do.

Since it is Friday evening, you may not get a reply until Monday.

He doesn't keep office hours like that. I may get a reply today, maybe not... hard to predict. But I really got the impression today that he doesn't know what to do to help me. I don't have a problem asking for help. It's just I really believe there is none possible.

And I really fear that the more I express that feeling, the more I am pushing away the one person who can really help.

And before anyone suggests a different therapist, there are none anywhere near here, or anywhere else as far as I know, who could even come close to being able to handle my issues. He's the best I'm going to find. And he doesn't know what to do right now. That makes me feel more desperate still.

If you are feeling desperate now, what can you do in the meantime?

Don't know. I tried a large dose of benzoids to make me sleep or at least zone out, and nothing. The pain is unrelenting.

You NEED a BREAK.

Yes, I do.

A family member can step in

There is none anywhere nearby.

someone ELSE from your employment can figure it out

Again, there is none. There are myself and one other woman, who is recently bereaved. We leave this guy to his own devices and there's no telling what will happen. I have to be there for him. There is no employer, we work for the clients directly. His closest friend/neighbour is out of town. It's down to me. Literally.

You are loved sun seeker!!!!!!

Thank you. I wish I knew how to take that in. I really wish it.

 

[sun seeker]

I am desperate for anything to make the pain stop. I don't know how bad alcohol is with the various medications I'm taking, but they all have warnings on the labels. Probably a bad idea, and I don't have any in the house anyway. But the meds themselves aren't enough.

When the one person who understands me the best can't help, and medication can't help, and the pain is desperate... what is next? I truly don't know.

 

[LifeInterrupted]

If there isn't anyone else to step in, there's always the nearest hospital until they can find temporary placement for around the clock care while you get help for you.

I've done that same thing you have ... Taking excess pills to be so out of it /numb out the pain .... All that does is increase it and make you feel more desperate .... We know where that leads.

Sometimes I go to this website that has a chat feature with a trained counselor for sufferers of PTSD. Although it has a wait time if other people are ahead of you in line, it is worth the wait if you need the help. Seriously. You can't back out of the window once you're in "line" or you end up at the end of it just as an FYI ....I'll send the information in an email. It won't let me send links here for some reason