So Much Despair

[sun seeker]

I just cannot go on. There was someone lined up to take me to the hospital if I was in crisis, and I contacted him, but he has no idea how to talk to a traumatized person in crisis. Told him I was waiting to hear back from my therapist, who was supposed to leave me a supportive phone message to listen to while he is away if I am in crisis. He said he would do it last night. He didn't. I feel so utterly betrayed. Then this guy starts to say "well, he has a private life too..." I cut him off. I don't need guilt tripping. He promised he would do it, and he knew how important it was, and he didn't, and on top of that set me up with this insensitive supposed support person. I've been telling him for months that I am very afraid of this time and need more support, and I had to push and push to get help getting any support, and now he didn't even follow through on the most important thing I needed and he promised to do.

I have no idea what to do. I am in unbearable pain. Unbearable. I've been betrayed by the last person left that I thought I could trust. No more. I can't go through this again.

 

[scout86]

Is your ride to the hospital available? If it is, go. If it's not, find another ride. I suppose there are no taxis near you, if there are, call one if you have to. If you have no other way, call the emergency number and get an ambulance. (I know that probably seems over the top, but they'd rather pick you up alive than dead.)

I suspect a big part of this is that you're exhausted. That makes everything worse. What are your favorite distractions?

 

[sun seeker]

Not so much exhausted, though there is some of that. Mostly I feel betrayed, which puts me in a trauma reenactment, where I get hazy on what reality is.

The first guy who was lined up to take me to the hospital was a dud. He made things worse. The crisis chat line I talked to last night made things worse. How do I know the hospital won't make things worse, too? I just can't think. I tried my therapist several times, asking for help thinking this through, and nothing. He knows this time is a huge challenge for me. He was going to call last night and leave a message on my voicemail for me to listen to while he is away. He said he would. Then this guy who was maybe going to drive me to the hospital starts saying "Well, he has a right to a private life too.." Well yes, but does he have a right not to follow through on something he promised to do that would help me keep going, when he knows how likely a crisis is at this stage? He knows how important this was. And he didn't do it. That so muddles me up that I can't think what is best to do.

Unless it is possible this guy got it all wrong, and he hasn't yet gone out of range, and still plans to call, and this guy was just incredibly insensitive and has no idea what he's talking about. I'm grasping onto that straw.

No, no taxis, and I can't take the ambulance, that would ruin my reputation and my ability to work in this small town. This guy was supposed to be my back-up plan.

I do have one more number to try. Right now, I am afraid to try it because of how the last few attempts at asking for help went.

I called my bereaved coworker and said I just can't go to work. She's going to search out a friend to check on my client.

I can't believe my therapist did this. Forgetful he may be, but this is too much. He knows how important it is. He knows he left me in a bad state yesterday. He never told me he was going out of range, he told me he'd call later and leave the message on my phone. And he told me I don't have to pretend to be okay when I'm not, with him, and thanked me for my authenticity. So later I sent an e-mail saying I was in crisis, in pretty descriptive - but accurate - terms. Now I don't know if he is staying away because he thinks he'll trigger me worse. He's done that before, but without actually telling me that was what he was doing until afterwards.

I know this is sounding critical of my therapist, but please don't anyone tell me I need a different therapist. I've been through several before finding this one, and he works incredibly well with me most of the time and is very, very skilled. I think he's going to be one of those pioneers in revolutionizing therapy that we'll all be reading about in ten years' time. It's just this one little (but huge, to me) problem of followthrough on what he says he'll do.

 

[sun seeker]

For now, I'm huddling on the couch in a stupor, drugged on clonazepam. I'll run out before I can get more, at this rate, but I can't think about that right now. I'm not going to work. I'm just going to keep going, in a haze if need be, until something happens to clarify what the hell this is all about. I'll be checking in. You guys are my rock right now.

 

[corvidae]

just saw/read this thread and wanted to send support. i've been in (am going through?) a similar thing. keep posting; i'll keep reading. you are important.

 

[sun seeker]

Sorry to hear that @corvidae. Please do let us know how you are doing.

My therapist finally e-mailed me back. It seems his supposedly supportive friend had no idea what he was talking about. Anyway, he said he'd call me in a little while. I am so triggered by anything resembling betrayal, I can't think straight at all.

 

[corvidae]

i think when we're this triggered it's OK to not think straight; that's (in my experience and my opinion) a valid response. so very glad your therapist has been in contact; please keep us updated, as you're able.

 

[sun seeker]

I am in so much pain, just unrelenting. No idea how I am going to get through this. It doesn't let up for a minute. I want to be dead to make it stop. Just stop. I trust no one and nothing to get me out of this. And before anyone tells me I'm the only one who can get me out, please don't. I can't either.

 

[sun seeker]

Finally talked to my therapist, who said his friend who told me he wouldn't be available (when he'd said he would be) didn't know what he was talking about. He's concerned about me so made arrangements for a friend of his who has done a lot of work on herself and is low-key and compassionate to check on me for the next couple of days, and we agreed that I'd lay low and see if I start feeling better, but if it's still really bad by Monday I'll go to the hospital. And I said I've been feeling lately that there is more triggering going on than healing, and he was open to hearing that and said we will work on it.

 

[LifeInterrupted]

Finally talked to my therapist, who said his friend who told me he wouldn't be available (when he'd...

I will try to respond to this the best way I can .... Not knowing you that well, but also having been where you are a few times.

Can you ask yourself questions about the pain like, where is this coming from? Why are your emotions so intense? Which emotion is the worst that you just can't cope with? If you could get rid of the emotion/memory/stressor that sends your anxiety through the roof, which would it be?

It seems to me that you rely on this therapist for stability way too much. He is there to help, that is true. But whether or not you stay safe is up to you. It is not reliant upon his phone call that you desperately clung to. If he is as skilled as you say and has helped you quite a bit in the past, based on your statements of taking an overdose of medication and low tolerance for hanging on, his only response should have been getting a police officer to pick you up and get you to the hospital. As brutal as that sounds, it is the up front honest truth. When you don't have the strength to pick yourself up, you need to reach out and get the help you need to get back to life again. Hospitals are really only a short term, get you medicated/stable, set you up with appointments, and back out the door kind of place. We know they only can help as much as we let them.

I think it is a very BAD idea to wait until Monday. Your instability and intense urge to numb out your pain by overdosing is a very clear sign that you are in danger of drowning in your grief. When you have hit that bottom, you may make the split second decision to do something much more life threatening.

You may want to give it some thought about how that may affect others you're leaving behind. Checking out is easy. I read today a quote in a book that said "The only way "out" is IN." You need to face your pain in order to be free from it. No one ever said that was easy. I've been suffering from flashbacks and dissociation all day today. They trigger intense emotions that I still haven't learned how to cope with, and since my mind/body react and I have no time to figure out what to do with all that emotion, my fight/flight response kicks in. I can't fight it, that never gets me anywhere. So instantly, I want to escape. My mind automatically thinks avoid/numb by downing pills like you. But ... I KNOW that what I'm experiencing is a normal reaction to what I've been through. So... I talk myself through it and say I don't want to really end it. I just have to learn how to cope with the images and ride out the emotion. Lately, I've been thinking of this whole trauma thing in an objective way ... All of this is coming from my brain. It's just this "thing" in my skull that processes my memories. So... For the time being when my anxiety is severe triggered by flashbacks, I have to constantly think of this remote to put my brain on pause. When I can't control the cycle of flashbacks and dissociation all I can do is hit the pause button. sometimes I also thing of the paused image as being made of glass and taking a hammer and shattering that image into a million pcs.

I guess I will just say you know yourself better than anyone else. The only person who can really help you is YOU. You cannot rely on other people to bail you out of a crisis - if you want help, find a way to get yourself to the hospital no matter if it's a policeman or an ambulance. Hospitals can't take your pain away and neither can a counselor. They can help manage it and help you cope and learn how to manage the debilitating symptoms. But they can never take it away. Unfortunately, you will always remember your trauma. But over time, it's HOW you decide to deal with it that determines if you can ever be free from it.

 

[LifeInterrupted]

I also just want to add I'm not trying to be judgmental. I always try to take in everything a person says and give my 2 cents. I only hope that it helps bc really that's all I'm trying to do. Figuratively speaking I've died soooooo many times INSIDE. I am definitely NOT the person I used to be before so many people put me through hell and left me to pick up the pieces. It wouldn't have been so bad if it had happened only once. During that year I tried to end my life a few times. I really really wanted to be gone. I saw no purpose for my existence on earth. I was tired of suffering. I stopped eating for 2 wks. I literally did NOT care. I took one overdose and to my dismay it wasn't enough. I was determined to make it work. And about a month later I tried again. I was so close. This overdose was much bigger. And had I been thinking a little more, I would have taken it with alcohol to seal the deal and I would not be here talking to you right now. I was so disappointed. All I wanted was peace. Death was the only way I thought I could get it. I thought at the time that as soon as I could get out of that damn hospital I was going to hang myself..... But, then the flood gates opened and I couldn't stop feeling/crying .... All that pain came to the surface .... There were a few staff members that actually showed they cared and if it hadn't been for that I would have tried to kill myself before I ever made it out. I truly was drowning. I don't know what kept me from trying again right after I was released .... Maybe it was that I finally let some of the pain out that I had been stuffing and avoiding. But one thing I do know is that time really does help change your perspective and help you heal a little at a time. I'm nowhere near being "cured," but I definitely don't see things the way I did in those desperate times. If I had succeeded I would have never known what I do now

 

[joeylittle]

@sun seeker - my therapist has let me down a few times, when I've been in very bad shape. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in that or how bad it feels.

And, if this helps: don't think of the hospital as a place that will make you feel better. In a strange way, that's not what crisis lines can be expected to do.

What these resources can do is take the pressure off.

When you are alone and acutely suicidal, it takes so much energy just to keep yourself safe. A lot of people struggle with holding back the big tidal wave of despair.

Having a crisis line chat or talk is only a way to release the pressure by being able to talk about your pain and have someone receive it. The notion is that releasing some of that pain will let you get some relief from holding onto it, and you'll be able to apply coping skills again.

Hospital - same, just actually physical. You put yourself there so you can just let go and stop needing to take care of yourself.

What's usually true is that by releasing some of the pressure that builds up when trying to cope with despair, you can get back s little bit of solid earth under your feet (just a little) - enough so that you aren't going to take your own life. Then, there's following up with therapist to do more work on relieving more of the pressure.

I hope this helps.