Sexual Assault So Scared

[heygirl]

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Ok, I'm just going to type it all out. I'm 17. I just suddenly remembered I was molested. It's weird because I always knew, but someone convinced myself that I wasn't? Anyways it came as a relief to my parents because I was in therapy for cutting for almost a year and no one knew why and I didn't really know either.

So my parents want to know who did it to me but I don't know. Their face is blurry when I remember and the angles are all wrong. I'm so terrified. I can't leave the house anymore.

It makes sense when I think about it because I was always so scared whenever I was at my grandmas house, where all my aunts and uncles lived at the time, but I just convinced myself I was shy. I don't know which one of them did it. Drugs were heavily used in this household, so everyone fits the predator profile. But they were just teenagers, you know? Everyone was a bad person in high school.

Well, my parents won't let anyone of my extended family contact us. Because well, they aren't good people and we don't know which of them did it. I was the only child in the family, there's no one I can ask. But I still love them and want their approval. But they scare me. Its really confusing.

I just want to know if there's a way to remember who it was. I know its bad to dig for memories but anything is better than this constant fear and doubt. It would fix everything for everyone if I just knew.

 

[guilty girl]

Feeling sorry for your situation. But I suggest you not to go in deep thought. It will make mattet worse.Try to move on.

 

[Casey_03]

I had a situation that was basically identical to yours -- there were always signs, i always knew deep down, but I didn't remember it until much later. I remembered the "event" when I was in my twenties, and it was the same scenario -- flashbacks were blurry, i could never see his face, and there were plenty of suspects but I was clueless. I'm 31 now and I still don't remember who it was; I am no closer to knowing now than I was then. I don't really have a desire to know. But I also don't live near my family, so I can understand why you do want to know .... I think that if you do try to remember, tread very very carefully. You don't want to fall victim to that "false memories" phenomenon, or just remember something incorrectly and then blame the wrong person. I think it is better to start therapy and talk about all of this without necessarily trying to remember the incident .... and then eventually it will probably come to the surface on its own. Also, props for the username, is that a Ryan Gosling reference? I'm a fan.

 

[Chincho]

My history is similar to yours @heygirl . I always knew there was something "wrong" with me, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

When I was 41, I suddenly remembered the abuse. It happened when I was about 5. I have been in therapy for the last 6 years. I don't remember my abuser's name or face, although I know it was someone that worked for my grandfather.

I would like to know who it was just to see if he did the same thing to another kid. But I've given up trying to remember. Whatever will be, will be.

 

[Intrepid]

I got my memory when I was 26. One part, about my grandfather, was really clear. The other part was and continues to be fuzzy.

I don't see anything wrong with finding more out. Note, however, that long hidden feelings and memories don't always fit together in a logical way. Timelines get pretty confusing too. For me, PTSD scrambled things up really bad.

 

[SherryAnn]

@heygirl yes it is the same with me I have nightmares that replace the person where they are some monster trying to hurt me but I remember the room and everything else..I guess the childhood mind does amazing things to help us cope at the time. I was under 5 at that time things are fuzzy and I used to leave my body (disscociate) to cope with flashbacks. Therapy has helped me manage all this and I can function well now. I do however remember clearly the other incidents at age 8 of an extended family member and others and have been able to heal somewhat from these. All the best.. dont give up..it can be managed with correct therapy and willingness.xx

 

[XXbabydollXX]

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Ok, I'm just going to type it all out. I'm 17. I just suddenly...

I'm sorry. I have been through the same thing. You will get flashback and find out who it is if you relax and don't force it. I was able to find out who my abuser was.