Relationship So Sick Of This! Why Does He Do This?

[Becksknox]

My whatever he may be has combat PTSD. He broke up in March and said he needed space yet still is in daily contact with me. How is that space.

I love him dearly so I love when he does text or call, but in so many ways it makes me so confused. If I even try to go one day ignoring him he will flip out and start text bombing me. Not ugly texts but he'll ask why I'm ignoring him, that he loves me, that he misses me but then when I answer or we see eachother he won't talk about any of it.

I hope this sounds familiar to someone!!!

 

[Jolly roger]

HI there, trust me I don't think you are alone. I'm new but the forums are full of threads on the push pull dynamic. As far as I can tell PTSD sufferers want intimacy, they do love other people but at the same time they are intensely frighted by emotions or gettin close to someone. So you end up doing the PTSD two step, they want to come towards you panic and step back and repeat the process over and over again. Describes the woman I love anyway. I hope knowing you aren't alone helps.

 

[iwannadeletethis]

He reminds me of two brothers I know that were in the army. One was mentally healing better than the other because he would talk about it.. The other brother had to isolate himself quite a bit because he WOULDNT talk about it. Does your guy not talk about it?

 

[Becksknox]

@Jolly roger Thank you so much. I've realized the push pull dynamic, but it makes me nervous bc I am so afraid of pushing him bc he can't deal with me right now. But when I do push, even just a tad bc I've realized it for what it is now thanks to this forum and research, I will immediately apologize so to calm the situation and it usually calms it right down before he starts to get (more) stressed or angry.

@Skitzii He does talk and share with me and at 45 he has only opened up to me about it and no one else. Even his best friend he's had since boot camp and served with. So he does talk when his stress cup isn't overflowing/exploding. We lived together for 7 months and got engaged then decided we would move 1000 miles away to be near his family. He decided to move before me yo get a job and set up a house for us and my 2 kids. Obviously add all of those together and he's in full blown cup explosion. The first thing he does is break up with me says he needs space but stays in constant contact. When we did live together, because he had shared some little bits at a time, I could almost notice and was able to help him and it wasn't bad. This time and the last time we were long distance so I don't see anything wrong over the phone, text or FaceTime. Our therapist, that specializes in PTSD and trauma has said he is textbook PTSD, but doesn't so much help me know what to do or say.

She has asked what if the old him never returns and this is the new him? I would take him however I can. As @Jolly roger said of the push pill, I can see little bits of him coming thru, but I think he gets scared and retreats. I'm thankful to this site for all of the help and understanding. I just feel everyday there's a new question in my head and it seems new to me and not redundant. I so appreciate all the help I can get.

The hardest thing I'm dealing with us he says one thing and the next day may say the opposite. Therapist said bc his thoughts seem rational to him yet irrational to us. I've read a lot on here about words v. actions. His actions and a good part of his words show me he loves me but bc we are technically broken up, I have this empty sinking feeling in my stomach that he may not come back. He has said before he's never wanted to hurt me again bc of his PTSD....feelings wise, not physical.

 

[catlover26]

All of this sounds familiar no matter what the age of the vet with ptsd. My guy was in Vietnam. Our relationship started out great. Lots and lots of affection. Communication was really good. We were talking on the phone for a long time everyday. Then we would have some slight conflicting views and he would back off and seem to want to end our relationship or at least he talked that way. He can't stand the conflicts and he just wants to retreat. It happened again tonight. The first time it has been this bad in 6 mos or more.

But he has had been more depressed lately and even though I may go over to see him we may not actual spend much quality time together. He has admitted that he 'holds back' I think because he doesn't want to get hurt and probably to hide his emotions also. Although the relationship didn't start out that way.

I know it must be so hard on you. It is so hard on me because I drive over to see him never knowing what kind of mood he will be in and the chance he will misunderstand something I say. It is such a d*mn roller coaster.

Yes, and what happened tonight. I plan on going over there this weekend. You said your guy won't talk about anything that had happened. Mine won't either. So I will go over there and he will either act sort of normal or be a little distant. I don't think I want to bring it up again.

So here I am another night I can't get to sleep.

 

[Becksknox]

@catlover26 I am so sorry to hear you are going thru this also. Mine will share with me a lot and cry to me, but only backs way away when he's in a serious episode. Otherwise he is fine with me and we don't even really fight. We've always calmly talked thru anything. But when he's overwhelmed he's just shut down completely.

Good luck this weekend. Mine asked me out for Friday and finished it with a "I will let you know" which I know is based on how his workday goes and how he is feeling bc he has told me he doesn't want to argue or be mean to me. So I take that at face value and hope.

Hang in there.

 

[catlover26]

Thanks! Someone on another post mentioned Al-Anon meetings so I am going to start going. I need some other people to talk to about all of this for some support. He has been sober 19 years but his mood swings, yes could be ptsd but I think his Alcoholism plays an effect in all of it.

That is what he will tell me is he can't stand any of the conflict because he gets so worried about his sobriety that he thinks something could upset him so much that it could push him over. But he isolated himself and lived basically like a loner for 16 yrs so I don't think he wants to go back to living like that. But I have to realize our relationship may not ever be what it was.

I am glad you will probably have some time with yours this Friday. I hope it all works out for you.

Take care of yourself!!

 

[Becksknox]

Thank you. I've been told by several people also to try to find a Celebrate Recovery group. Doesn't mean you have an addiction but for everyone that needs healing from something.

 

[Nelson2015]

@Becksknox

My (ex) fiancé has Combat PTSD with TBI. We broke up a little over a month ago. I'm kind of in the same position as you.

When he first broke up he wanted space, and said we will never get back together. Now we talk daily (except for a few days a week maybe). He says lets see how things go.

Some days are good, and some days he is mean. But I believe his anger is getting better. He was never an angry person before, so I think it scares him quite a bit.

I dealing with the push pull thing. :/ I never want to push him too far, bc I don't want him to isolate. He has only opened up to me a couple of times, and I want to keep the door open.

Last week I pushed too hard and made him mad. He blew up on me through text. I just didn't text back. Within a hour he had texted me 6 times telling me that he was sorry and wanting to know if I was okay. I don't know what that means... Did it freak him out bc it was the first time I didn't say sorry to hurry and fix things? Is he afraid to lose me? Sounds similar to your situation.

Thoughts?

 

[Nelson2015]

Also I left my phone at home on purpose last week once to see if he would notice when I didn't text him back. Ooo he noticed. And blew up my phone while he was at it. It makes me feel good, and slightly makes me think that he is afraid to lose me.

But I'm still ooo sooo very confused day to day. :/

 

[Becksknox]

@Nelson2015 i believe gig were right to not respond. It makes us victims and we feel we have to apologize to deflate the situation. His anger is mostly gone thank goodness and if I see even a tad I cutting him off and tell him will not take it. Since then he has been good. We are going on a date tomorrow, however he is on the fence of me shutting down for my well being.

Even when mine said he needed space, nothing changes in his contact of me so I think it's a defense he puts up to not add to my hurt. But somehow in the midst of this hell on earth for him, I've managed to get thru to him and not a foul thing has been said. It's just the ups and downs that make it tough and I feel like I need and deserve an break from. Each time we have seen each other things seem more normal so I will hold onto that. We will be ok with or without them but I'm learning losing myself bc of this is not ok and I do have to come first. Even if he really needs me. I can't help him when I'm in a bad place. I have to care for me first. If it pushes him away or pisses him off, I have no control over that. Only me.

There have been a few times he has come over and I can feel his anger. Not at me, but it will release at me and I have pushed him right back out the door. I won't take it bc I've taken too much.