LittleK,
I'm still ashamed. I really am. I hate that I am not able to just get up and go out without a contigency plan, an escape route. I hate that sometimes I can only take the garbage out to the dumpster at odd hours so that I may not run into anymone, or risk someone seeing me in the parking lot. I hate that I can't go to a friend's house with my husband without a "safe word" between us that ends our visit earlier than he intended. It's embarrassing. I wish I could keep a job for more than six months at a time. I feel ashamed that I lose jobs because I sit in my car in the parking lot, too depressed to go into work, to a job that I love and am good at. I wait in the parking lot all day, as co-workers peer curiously at me, wondering what's going on. I too, am ashamed. I can admit these things, but that doesn't change them. That doesn't make them not happen. That doesn't change the way my behavior makes me feel. But knowing it's not unusual to feel shame and knowing someone feels exactly like me makes me feel a little better somehow.
I'm still ashamed. I really am. I hate that I am not able to just get up and go out without a contigency plan, an escape route. I hate that sometimes I can only take the garbage out to the dumpster at odd hours so that I may not run into anymone, or risk someone seeing me in the parking lot. I hate that I can't go to a friend's house with my husband without a "safe word" between us that ends our visit earlier than he intended. It's embarrassing. I wish I could keep a job for more than six months at a time. I feel ashamed that I lose jobs because I sit in my car in the parking lot, too depressed to go into work, to a job that I love and am good at. I wait in the parking lot all day, as co-workers peer curiously at me, wondering what's going on. I too, am ashamed. I can admit these things, but that doesn't change them. That doesn't make them not happen. That doesn't change the way my behavior makes me feel. But knowing it's not unusual to feel shame and knowing someone feels exactly like me makes me feel a little better somehow.
