So Tired Of Feeling Ashamed

[littleK]

I've lost count of how many times I have sat staring at a blank page willing myself to write my introduction without success. Each attempt resulting in the same...delete! The most I have managed is a few bumbling sentences which made me cringe when I read them back to myself, (it just comes across as self-pitious drivel to me)

Yet I have read so many others intros and have connected/empathised with lots, my story is really not so different. So why can't I write my own?

Well, I've come to the conclusion that it is because of my shame. I am just too scared to expose myself to others in words because I am so utterly ashamed of who I am. I am ashamed of: not being able to work (so effectively flushing my career down the toilet), having panic attacks/shaking/strange behaviour in public places, sitting in the house all day too scared to go out, retreating into my 'bubble' and not answering the phone, not making it to family get- togethers...again, canceling so many arrangements with friends that I now have no social life, of feeling like people are tired of hearing the same old excuses, of struggling daily with the most straightforward tasks,of ruining the life that I loved, of just not 'getting over it'. I am ashamed of having ptsd because I still can't shake the belief that if I was a stronger person then I would have dealt with what happened to me and be able to function properly and enjoy life again.

I am so tired of being ashamed.
(I am sorry that this is not a proper introduction, I'm determined to try again, but am going to press submit before I chicken out of posting anything at all)

 

[Onefineday]

This is how I felt when I posted my intro a few hours ago. Well I don't know if it was shame of who I am, but I am at the point where I am denying to other people that I have a problem because it makes me more accepted, I am so embarrassed, I guess ashamed yeah, of all the problems I have. NOBODY seems to understand, I have been treated like I'm weak, that I have 'issues' and been told I'm just being dramatic, so I'm embarrassed. It took me a day to just come on here and say it. It's not that I don't WANT to say it, it's just that I always wish I never had afterwards, I regret even mentioning it. Why can't I just go out and have a few drinks with friends? Why can't I just find a guy? Why can't I just get a job? Why can't I enjoy being with my family? I don't want to keep having to answer those questions to people when they're just going to lay into me about it anyway.
Maybe I'm not quite relating to you the way in which you mean, but hopefully I am.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Taking your time is normal - us PTSD's are not an overall trusting bunch. Take some time and read the information sections - I'm sure you will find information there that you can relate to.

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time right now and hope that you can let go of your shame soon - it will truly only hinder your recovery.

It is difficult for others to understand how difficult it is to receive this diagnosis, to realize we have been trying to live with it, and how difficult it can be to keep surviving. Even my husband will truly never be able to relate - and I can accept that now.

I hope you feel safer soon.

 

[ISupportHer]

Thank you for your introduction. You are new but I have said before that I am just amazed at the courage when people like yourself express your feelings.

2 quick things I will share.

First, I think you will find this to be a very supportive place for you. Support from everyone, regardless of background.

Second, I will share with you that my wife of 30 years has said there are things that she cannot tell me because of shame. My message to you is that, like her, it is OK NOT to say what you you feel you cannot share. Every person is different. You will most likely need to face things and deal with things but YOU are the one that will decide how much and when to share more. My opinion, admittedly. Also that I hope you get some sense that, although you may feel alone and isolated in your feelings and pain, there are others here with similar experiences. I hope you can find some amount of comfort in that sense of community here.

Welcome,

ISH

 

[Momma Kitty]

My abuser, Father, takes my efforts at counseling and my symptoms to further abuse me by labeling me as crazy or mentally unstable. My ex tried to label me as well as bipolar. Seems when others find out my issues, they are used against me as a fault. None of which is my fault. I am a victim. Thing is, I refuse to be a victim! I am now a fighter/survivor, yet I still crash in exhaustion for trying to fight for a normal life.

I am 50 years old and no one really knows but me. I am alone in my struggle. I too am ashamed and hiding.

 

[shiraz]

LittleK, sometimes, somebody writes something that sounds so familiar, I know I could have written those words myself. Thank you for your courage and for verbalizing what at times I cannot. I feel your pain and despair because it is my own too.

I wrote something today about the shame of it all. I know the truth - I should have no shame as what happened, happened to me at a time when I had no resources to protect myself. It happened TO me. I had no part in the decisions which were made by others to destroy me, but I can decide today that I will not accept the guilt that lies at my abuser's door. There is only shame, where there is guilt and I am not guilty. Nor are you. Rest in that.

Welcome to the forum. Nice to have you.

:Hug_emoticon:

 

[helena]

Hi Little K,

In my humble opinion, shame is probably the most useless emotion humans can have - guilt can sometimes help us be better by not repeating the things we did wrong, but shame just drives us into the ground.

I hope the more you write you will find yourself changing your opinion of who you actually are - you have certainly come to the right site as the people here are quite phenomenal.

Good luck - hope you find the advice/support you're looking for

Helena

 

[skyp56]

Welcome to the forum, LittleK (and to Momma kitty, too!)

Your posting could have been written by me. In fact, since I, like you, deleted many before I actually posted, probably wrote nearly exact words to yours--the shame of not being able to cope.

I have begun to have a shred of hope, after talking to all the wonderful people here, and reading their stories, too. This forum is full of healing. All we have to do is reach out and take it in.

I hope you find peace,
{{{{HUGS}}}}}
skyp56

 

[Spacechic]

Gday LittleK,

*sighs..is tough just being..let alone anything else in the equation. Shame is a hard thing to shake, rooted in our belief that we are to blame for our predicament. Changing this belief is a long arduous task..but not an impossible one. Its little things, little steps..and celebrating your achievements. In time things will improve. I wouldn't worry about not opening your book.. what ever you feel comfortable in doing.

I hope to see you around the boards.

Spacey

 

[anni]

Hey. I've been on too long today, I can't manage long times in the forum because I become antsy and anxious but couldn't log off after seeing your 'shame' subject. Shame can color whole days, can't it? It does for me. I recently started getting angry with it. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's the therapy, but it has helped SOME. I yell at it, quite seriously. I'll yell 'Stop that!!' and 'Knock that off, I am FINE', which yes sounds odd. It's not even anything my therapist told me to try, I just became so awfully tired of the shame/guilt cycle that one day I lashed out and treated the shame like a 'thing'. :)
It doesn't always help but sometimes does. We are victims, we are deserving and like you oh MY I am tired of being ashamed. Really- you are fine. :)

 

[Grama-Herc]

little K

I wish . That's it in a nut shell. I wish:

""I had not let this illness steal my job, my friends, my happiness, my life.""

I understand exactly how you feel. It some times takes me days to get up the
courage to go to the store. Then it pretty much has to be a forced trip because I m out of something important--like ice cream.

This forum has made such a huge difference in my life. I pray you are able to find some comfort and knowledge that will help you.

From "1" hermit to another. Welcome :hello:

 

[Keese]

LittleK,

I haven't written mine yet. It would read a lot like yours. A lot.