So Why Is Sex So Taboo?

[rightkindofme]

I was in a relationship for four years that was primarily a bdsm relationship. We were both exhibitionists. We had a lot of public sex together. For the middle two years we had a Master/slave dynamic and he did a lot to sexually humiliate me in public because that was his thing.

It wasn't a career move (I have never been a sex worker but I know a lot of them and think that it is a reasonable career for someone who is more emotionally stable than I am) and it wasn't abuse.

The weird thing about consensual bdsm with someone who is worthy of trust is--you can do pretty heinous things and you always have a way to make it stop. It only happens if you ask for it and like it. Most of the really extreme play we did (I'm a rather extreme masochist) was at my initiation. We stopped because we made him uncomfortable--not me.

I enjoyed it at the time. I feel neither liberated nor exploited. It's just something I did. I feel like my life is a series of "Well that is the natural conclusion of ____ pattern" and I feel that it is good that I no longer feel the need to make my sexuality about someone else's voyeuristic pleasure. I still have sex in public sometimes because I enjoy having sex near where other people are having sex. At this point I only go to such parties once or so a year.

The year after I left my Owner I went nuts. I f*cked everything on two legs. My body count went from being in the 30's to being over a hundred in less than a year. And I kept going from there. A great deal of this sex was at sex parties with people I was "friends" with but whom I really barely knew and I ceased to know them when I stopped sleeping around. We no longer had much use for one another I guess.

For a long time I didn't think I was capable of being monogamous. My way of dealing with repeated sexual assault was to stop saying no to sex and start actively pursuing it as hard as I could. I don't think I was wrong for reacting in that way but I also don't want to model such behavior for my children. I was taught to think of myself as a whore (even though I never entered sex work) from childhood.

At this point I have a lot of vanilla sex with my husband. We are monogamous at this point though we weren't for the first few years. I feel like I still have a very complicated relationship with sex. I still largely do it because I want someone to like me, but now it is just one person who is really nice to me. We do the occasional spanking but I haven't done a heavy bdsm scene since before I had kids.

I suspect I will try to talk my husband into heavier bdsm some day. For now, while I have two little girls in my house, I really appreciate that I am being treated gently and kindly. He's a really nice guy. He is becoming more outspokenly feminist by the year in his various jobs. (He's a software engineer so he deals with a lot of misogyny.) I feel respected. I don't feel used.

I still see my former Master around socially sometimes. I feel glad that I decided that what he had to offer wasn't good enough for me for the rest of my life. I deserve more than he had to give. But I don't wish him ill. He lived up to his agreements--he was just careful to keep my expectations low. Ha. He's not a bad guy but he is a bad boyfriend. All of his ex-girlfriends agree. Ha.

 

[cherryblossom]

Please excuse my naivety, how did having a BDSM relationship lead to having sex in front of thousands of people?

 

[rightkindofme]

Because we went to a lot of national and International bdsm conventions and felt that not enough sex happened so we did it.

 

[Lucycat]

I am naive - I did not know these conventions existed! I certainly don't think it would be for me, but I am glad that you were able to enjoy it but also put it to one side for the sake of your children.

It must be a good thing to know what you like sexually and be able to share it with your partner(s) past and present. However what I think I read from your story is that there is a sort of 'club' which does not include the majority of people. I am sort of stuck at the moment between thinking 'good for you', while at the same time thinking 'how can anyone possibly live like this?'

I don't like sex to be taboo, but I cannot imagine the sort of openness that you describe :hot:

 

[rightkindofme]

These are the kinds of conventions that you should only find if you really really want to. :)

I'm not even sure I know what I like sexually. I know I have been willing to try almost anything that a human being can come up with to try. Is that the same thing?

Well, near as anyone can tell there is ~10% of the population who is seriously kinky and some small percentage of people who try things once or twice. I am queer and kinky--a double sexual minority.

I have a lot of judgment about the bdsm community. I know that a large number of people in the community are not very emotionally healthy and their relationships look like abuse to me. But they are grown ups who get to make their own calls. I also know people who have NO abuse in their background and they have happy and healthy kinky relationships. Being kinky is not a big indicator of trauma. How can anyone live with doing those things? Well... it's not for everyone. You only do these things if you are deeply compulsive in this direction.

I am trying to figure out what sex will mean to me for the rest of my life. Probably not much like what it has meant so far.

 

[Lucycat]

So we have identified two extremes. Sex as a taboo, and incredibly open sexual activity. Where is the happy medium?

 

[rightkindofme]

The happy medium is being able to have sex when you want to without feeling like you have to in order to make other people happy.

 

[Lucycat]

I am not sure. That is about having sex rather than the issues of being able to discuss it freely - whether with one's partner or others. I feel like it is a matter of 'everybody's doing it but nobody wants to talk about it'. Hence the incredibly poor teenage pregnancy rate in the UK.

 

[rightkindofme]

Well *I* talk about sex openly and freely. Even with young-ish people. I don't know how it works for other people.

 

[Lucycat]

@rightkindofme well done you! I wish I had the confidence to do so, but I simply don't. Maybe my whole thread is wrong - perhaps I should have asked 'why is sex so taboo - for me?'

As a child sex 'education' was at the sunday dinner table - trapped. Usually while mother was in the kitchen preparing the next course. My 2 brothers, sister and myself would not engage in any discussion - we were all horribly embarrassed. Thus it would become a 'lecture'. With hindsight I guess my perverted father was getting a kick out of the situation.

I guess that explains it all. I didn't really need to ask the question did I?!

 

[cherryblossom]

I don't know exactly what I want to say here, so bear with me. I was thinking about this the other day when I was replying to a completely different thread.

I was thinking that part of the reason child sexual abuse happens is because adults / parents don't talk about sex with their kids. Kids are taught so many morals, what's right and wrong, but they're not told about sex. Be nice to your friends, don't hit each other, eat your greens, don't talk back. Kids might be told that stealing is wrong at any age, and that alcohol is only okay to drink when you are an adult, but they're not told anything about sex. So when a person comes along and engages in any sort of sexual activity with a child, the child doesn't know anything about sex, the child doesn't know whether sex is right or wrong, because they've never encountered it, or been told about it.

The perpetrator tells them it's okay, and likely rewards them with sweets or money, and tells them it's a secret, but a good secret. The child knows no different. The child doesn't know any different, so goes along with it.

Perhaps if we could somehow break down the taboo's about sex, then maybe there's a chance less kids will be abused. I don't know, I guess there is a fine line between educating young children, between what they might need to know to stay safe, and them engaging in sexual activities just because they've been told they shouldn't. (You know, tell kids not to do something, and they'll do it anyway.)

 

[rightkindofme]

Well, Brucielucy, I don't think you are doing anything wrong by asking the question in a general way. I'm the aberration from societies standards... not you. :)

I talk about sex with my kids. They are three and five. It comes up spontaneously during our days. When my kids are sitting in the living room masturbating (like little kids do) my response is, "Ah! Masturbating! Masturbating is when you play with your genitals. It's an awesome thing to do, but please do it in your room." I react the same way if they want to eat in the living room. "Ah! Food! I love food. Please take it to the kitchen."

My kids understand that most people with vaginas are girls, but not all. My kids understand that most people with penises are boys, but not all. They understand that grown ups have sex when they are in romantic relationships and that it's not a good idea for kids to have sex because their bodies aren't ready.

I talk a lot, generally, about how every person has a different level of what is good for them. From person to person there is a lot of variation in how much protein someone needs to eat each day, how much exercise you have to get, how much sunshine is good for you, how much sugar you can handle eating. These limits change as your life goes on. Things like alcohol are not good for kids because your liver isn't done growing yet. If you have alcohol too early it can do damage that prevents you from growing a fully functional liver and that is hella bad for the rest of your life. Seriously. Wait until you are an adult. I think sex is the same kind of thing. It's wonderful and awesome... but not for kids.

I am really enthusiastic in general about sex. It is good for your body and your mental health. Having it is healthy. I want my children to think that sex is something that you get to do once you are through puberty and things have settled down with your body a little.

I have talked to them about why genitals are "private parts" and how to handle it if someone touches yours. If it is a kid and you are a kid and you want to play a game you need to ask, "Are you very sure you want to do this? I want to but you don't have to if you don't want to." Genitals are very private and always need a specific question before you can touch them. "Grown ups should only touch your genitals if it is a doctor or a parent helping you with a problem. Otherwise grown ups have no right to touch your body anywhere--but especially your genitals."

My kids can point and name their urethra, labia, vulva, vagina, and anus. They know how to talk about them.

I think that being as educated as possible about life is how to be able to protect yourself.

I believe in the freedom of information in such an extreme way that I don't know how to contain the truths I know. I'm trying to parse things out slowly and appropriately. I have a wide variety of developmental psychology books I read before I decide what the age-appropriate answer to a question is.

My favorite is called, "Everything you never wanted your kids to know about sex but were afraid they would ask." It's awesome. It goes into tremendous detail about how to introduce sex as a fluid part of life at every age.

We are born sexual beings. Our cultures try to make us think we are bad for this essential aspect of our nature. It really bothers me. I want my kids to grow up and have healthy sex. That means having as much or as little as they WANT. Not how much they think they should have.