So You Weren't Good Enough For Them. Now What?

[Dana1010]

This is a question about attachment disorder, parental rejection, and the reenactments that happen in adult life. How do you accept that you will never be good enough for them (parents or whatever stand-in you've chosen to reenact the rejection)? I seem to have a deep 24/7 need to argue my case and prove that I'm good enough to people least likely to care or believe me. What do you do about it? Just telling myself I'm good enough never seems to take.

Sometimes if I just notice the need, I can start to get some distance from it and not feel so possessed by it. But then what? Do you just accept that you weren't good enough for them and never will be? What does that feel like? Where do you go from there?

Well, that's what's on my mind right now. Sorry if it's a bit rambling.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I have problems with that a lot to, I constantly need some kind of proof I'm good enough.

It's not that you aren't good enough for them I guess, it's more that they put up impossible standards. It's just how shitty people often work, not being sattisfied with them selves and pushing it onto others.

 

[Ronin]

How do you accept that you will never be good enough for them

That's a good thing.

'Them' are a bunch of cold-blooded bastards with no style and creativity. Not something I aspire to be.

 

[RavenGirl]

It's not that you aren't good enough for them. I truly believe it's that they aren't what you really want or need. :stop:When we have been rejected / neglected or abused as a child, it sets us up to choose the same type of neglectful or abusive person / relationship later on. It's not our faults, it's just what we know. We were taught that no matter what we did we weren't ever good enough. What we need to do is retrain our brains / thinking patterns through therapy to understand why we do what we do and how to change the pattern. Once we do that we can pick people who are healthy for us, people who accept us for who we are, people who support us emotionally and know that we are worth love and kindness, people who know WE ARE MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH. I guess that's what I've learned. I hope it helps you too. :tup::hug:

 

[Nevermore]

I think it's the need to prove yr good enough that's the problem - or that's what I've been told.
So the feeling of not being good enough is nothing that others can take away now and we can become a Slave to trying to achieve that non existent stamp of approval.
It's so hard! I think we have to learn to live up to our own standards and how's about making sure that others live up to your standards of how you want to be treated to!
That was a whole new idea for me! It had never entered my head!
It's hard to get over these old wounds. we have to learn to be a whole lot nicer to ourselves than we were taught to be!

 

[Ronin]

I think it's the need to prove yr good enough that's the problem

(In agreement with the above line, and second thoughts: )

There's another way to look at this, too:

You've been put down and abused because you are more than good enough.

@Dana1010.

 

[EveHarrington]

Have you worked on shame issues? (I don't mean to imply that you have shame issues.) I ask because I very much felt the same; not ever feeling good enough. I stumbled upon a book about shame and it has propelled my healing forward. (The funny thing is that I never really thought I had a shame issue. Boy was I wrong!) I've been working my way through the book on recovering from shame for a few months but right now I'm at a pause I guess you could say. I'm enjoying my progress so far before taking the next leap forward.

 

[Kim Vasel]

Google "traumatic invalidation." I also went through this and am fighting to raise my own self worth and esteem so I don't feel it necessary to have others define it.

 

[Dana1010]

@EveHarrington, yeah, actually. I struggle with shame a lot. What is the book you are reading?

 

[EveHarrington]

The book is called "It wasn't your fault" by Beverly Engel, LMFT. The subtitle reads "Freeing yourself from the shame of childhood abuse with the power of self compassion". I think I originally discovered it on Amazon and I've checked it out from the library a few times now. I also have John Bradshaw's "Healing the shame that binds you" but I haven't read it yet. Just flipping through it, it seems to have a different approach to shame than the first book I mentioned.