I know what you mean... memories. Your story sounds familiar. My late husband of one year was an abusive alcoholic, I stayed because I felt I could help him, I felt sorry for him as he was sinking. Eventually, he shot himself in front of me, two months after he tried to kill us both. While he was alive it seemed that around the full moon he be at his worse. So not only is it the anniversary of his suicide and of that attempt at murder-suicide, but the damn full moon is a trigger.
I have mixed feeling about him. I feel sad and sorry for him that he got lost in his hurricane. I then feel I didn't do enough or I coulda - woulda - shoulda done something more to prevent him from hurting himself (and me). I feel angry for what he did to me and for having me witness his death. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way.
But the topic is Social interactions - I have social anxiety and a fear of the phone - don't like talking to anyone on the phone.. course I don't like talking in person either. When I go to the store I avoid isles with people wandering. I don't go out of the apartment if there is someone outside. What do I think they will do? Talk behind my back, laugh at me, notice I am not "normal".
I did talk with my therapist a few days ago... and he tells me that I am assuming the negative. It is a 50/50 chance that they will think negatively about me and I should try to think of the possible positive reactions. Last two days I did walk outside down the driveway to the street and back. Yesterday I encountered two people walking their dog. The dogs were a good distraction. A quick "hi" back and "what a nice dog" and then I walked on, making it as brief as possible. It was a step. Once it becomes a pattern I can take the next step, whatever that step is. Perhaps I can try shopping for groceries like regular people and not be bothered that someone is in the same isle I am on.
