Socialization- Need Advice

[angel2write]

I am starting to recognize that I'm healing. I'm wanting a little more social interaction with people.

But we're in a very active church and a very active home schooling group. And I seem to be surrounded by very social people who just can't get enough of getting together and doing stuff!

They seem to expect me to be the same way. :( They make me feel broken when I say "I can't do that," and they say, "Well, maybe you'll be up to it next time!"

If I'm healed do I really have to do all this other stuff? I mean, I have to take my daughter to dance and French, my sons to guitar, tennis, robotics club and scouts. I've volunteered to teach Sunday school and we do a co-operative school with other homeschoolers on Mondays. And I get together with friends occasionally for visits to chat. That feels like A LOT to me.

Do I also have to do:

weekly care group
reading club
French club
Chess club
Mom's nights
Field trips
Writing seminars
the Valentine banquet
4-H
enter in the fair
speech contests
kick-off, year-end, and holiday parties
history days at the local landmark
sports
career fair
church yard work days
outreach fair
youth group events and parties
soup kitchen
Senior center parties
march in PARADES :sick:
play dates at the park/pool/gym
P.E. and presidential physical fitness awards...

and honestly, that's not all. Those are only the ones I can think of right now. People are constantly coming up to me and asking why they didn't see me at such and such or am I going to go to the farm trip next week? Why not? You get a free pumpkin and there's hay rides and a petting zoo and a picnic! It'll be a blast! Why don't you come this year??

I feel like my socialization needs are the size of a tea-cup. Everyone else has buckets. And they're constantly trying to pour from their buckets into my tea cup and can't understand why I'm holding my hand over it saying, "No more, thank you!"

My questions:
Is it normal to have small social needs? Or is this the PTSD talking and I really need to push myself to do more?

and... How can I respond to people when they urge me to do something without sounding sick and broken or lying about it or saying I'll do it then saying "I got sick."

 

[sea]

"No. f*ck off."

Works for me! (And hey, people seem to suddenly stop asking me...)

In all seriousness, yes, introversion is a normal human trait. It's actually very common, but not as common as extroversion. So you can see the squashed tiny introverts trying to hold up their social forts. Not everyone is a socialite. Not everyone prefers socializing. Not everyone gets energy from socializing. It's just a personality trait, really. If I were you, I would've shot someone by now. I hate people. And I'm not even an introvert. Go figure.

This was not helpful in the slightest, just wanted to point out that it's perfectly normal to not enjoy doing a zillion things at the same time regardless of if you have PTSD or not.

Eventually everybody needs down time whether or not they adore their 60 thousand church groups. If you're an introvert, down time becomes a more urgent need more frequently. It's good, healthy, normal, fine. If you sit in your house all by yourself for a year and talk to nobody, then you probably have a bit of an issue. I think you are doing okay. Just my opinion. (I'd say humble opinion, but f*ck it. I'm not really that humble, am I? Lol.)

 

[angel2write]

If I were you, I would've shot someone by now. I hate people. And I'm not even an introvert. Go figure.

(snort of laughter) :laugh:

I used to think I hated people. Now I realize that, for the most part, I like people when I can deal with them one on one. I just don't like gangs of people, herds of people, mobs of people...

I could tell them to f*ck off if it were only me. I know I'm an introvert. It takes me a full day to recover from two hours of social activity under GOOD circumstances.

But I've gotten worried lately that I'm only introverted because my parents were freaky nutcases who kept me away from people and all normal social activity. So I don't want to turn my kids into freaky nutcases and perpetuate the whole thing.

It worries me when I see my kids getting easily exhausted by social activity and withdrawing just like I do. Am I warping them? It's even harder when the people pressing me to do all this stuff play the "It's for your kids" card. I would do ANYTHING for the health, welfare, and safety of my kids. Even go on hay rides and pick out a free pumpkin.

But is is really NECESSARY for their health and welfare?

Can I tell people to go take a long walk off a short dock, or do I need to push myself to do more of this stuff?

 

[sea]

I'm only introverted because my parents were freaky nutcases who kept me away from people and all normal social activity.

I don't know why people say stuff like this like it's a terrible thing. From what I've read about you, your parents wanted you to be the best socialite in all the fairy land where everything was magic and nothing bad ever happened. I think people are the summation of their experiences. Most of your personality preferences are going to be shaped and based on the way you experienced the world from the time you were born until the time you are right now.

That doesn't mean you are some kind of f*ck up just because some of your natural preferences are shaped that way as well. (But really, introversion and extroversion mostly have to do with how much stimuli your brain can handle and whether you perceive the world inward-out or outward-in, some people theorize temperament can actually be sensed in infants.) In my opinion, it would not be a bad idea to dial it back some to what fits your comfort level.

As you move forward with this trauma stuff, you may find that socializing becomes easier over time IF it's actually something natural and instinctive to you that was squashed by your parents. If not, well, that's just the way you are anyway. And that's fine. You know, that whole gaining-losing sort of thing.

 

[maddog]

Hi Angel.

I think Sea has given you some very good, not to mention some downright bloody amusing, advice. We all need and respond to different levels of social stimulation, and that's absolutely ok, the same way that some of us love love love sport and others of us don't, and most of us fall somewhere in between.

Frankly, your existing schedule sounds totally overwhelming to me and is what I would define as very busy and involved, based on my own standards, and your expanded list of activities sounds like some sort of horror reality tv show.

But some people thrive on and need constant stimulation and contact, and that's fine too.

The 2nd part of your question is harder to answer for me, and I'm fairly lost on that score as well. How do you enforce your boundaries publically and protect and preserve your right to choose, without being misinterpreted or misunderstood, and without having to resort to lying. Sadly, I resort to lying often, and it's horrible for everyone, and is doing very damaging things to my attempts to conquer my sense of shame and self loathing right now.

I suppose it's very simple, even though it's not. You simply have the right to say "no thanks, I'm already fairly busy this weekend and I won't be able to make it to X, but I'll probably see you at Y..." etc. That is your undisputed right, which others *should* respect.

I know that's actually much more socially awkward at times than it should be, but it only gets easier with practice and with the increased sense of self protection and self care that come with being abel to do that. Personally, I find I'm more able to push myself a little bit more socially when I am comfortable in the knowledge that when I say enough is enough, then enough will be enough, and people will respect my wishes.

Just a few comments from a terrible introvert, and one who battles for absolutely any social contact at times. Truly, you sound as though your activity cup is brimming nicely, so if you're not inclined to want to squeeze more into it, there is no way anyone could accuse you of being socially avoidant.

Maddog

 

[The Albatross]

Sea's post made me smile. Thanks Sea (needed that today).

Angela... that's quite a list. I'm impressed by how much "face time" you're getting with others. But how much of that list is for you? For you're socialization? Not things you have to do or feel obligated to do, but social things you find satisfying because you want to?

I have struggled with developing those myself... or if I start them, sustaining them and allowing myself to enjoy them.

Guess this topic struck a nerve with me... it is an area I struggle with.

Thank you too Angela for the topic. Hope there's more responses on this one.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Angel))), No, no, no. You don't have to do it all. You do as much as you are comfortable with and just say no I'm sorry, I can't do that, I'll let you know if and when I will be available.

Move at your pace, it is all to easy to become overwhelmed with doing to much.

Need an excuse? Here are the top five ways to say no nicely:

1. "No." Sometimes, the best way to refuse is politely, but directly. If someone in your life is constantly asking you to do things they could easily handle themselves, a firm "no" is the only way to get them to stop. Another approach to problematic people with frequent requests is to tell them, "I know you'll do a great job handling it on your own."

2. "I'm in the middle of several other projects/commitments right now." Don't be afraid to tell people when you're busy. Most will respect your schedule and find another way to fulfill their requests for help. You shouldn't be expected to drop tasks you've already committed to in order to complete new ones.

3. "I need to focus on [my career, my family, my personal life] at the moment." If you're going through a difficult time in another area of your life that requires your attention, don't hesitate to refuse taking on extra requests. You don't necessarily have to explain your specific reasoning for taking a pass; just indicate that you

4. "I don't feel I'm the best person to handle that task." When you don't feel qualified to handle something requested of you, say so. Explain that you don't want to do a poor job, because you know this task is important to the person asking you to do it. Chances are, they want the task done well, too.

5. "I can't do it, but I know someone else who can." Only use this "no" form if you truly know someone who can not only handle the task, but has the time to do it. It's nice to be able to offer alternative help, but only if you can follow through on your offer. Referring people to someone else who won't be able to help either will be viewed as a brush-off; the person who originally came to you will think you never actually wanted to help them in the first place.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

You only have to do as much as you want to. Sea is right (and humorous as well), that we all have different levels of needs for socialization. You do not have to do any more than what you want to do.

Saying- "I do not socialize well and I would be happier if I was able to do more socially" is very different than saying " I do not socialize well and I am happy doing as much as I am doing now, and I do not want to do more socially."

As for the kids- if your children are happy and well adjusted with what they are doing, then you do not need to worry about taking on more. They will let you know when too much is too much, or too little is too little. My children have their obligations, lesson after lesson, but they would be perfectly content if I allowed them to stay at home every afternoon to play video games all afternoon with the neighbor child.

I also worry about it, because they are home schooled. I wonder if it is because of the stigma behind socialization and homeschool (which that is all it is, a stigma) that we as the parents believe we have to do more than we can handle- to prove a point? To please everyone else? To lead by example? I don't know what it is- but I see this more and more, moms and dads that homeschool who already do too much and do not know where the line is to stop.

I suppose it comes back to- when enough is enough, you know it.

 

[Eleanor]

I am what the sociologists call a "low group" person. In practice that means I like counties with more cows than people much better than the other way around. I can tolerate cities for a (short) while. My parents are compulsive socializers - they have a Christmas card list of upwards of 400 people (and they cull yearly!) I (without PTSD) prefer very limited social stuff - and your list would.... well, everything sea said.;)

I think if the kids are comfortable and happy when with others, and relate well... the amount should be up to them. My five year old is awesome at making new friends. Fearless really. I know I was never that way. She's beyond me in this way already. I just follow her lead. There are things that she wants to do (pony riding lessons, ballet lessons) that I will get together for her - I guess I don't worry to much about how much other people time she spends... more about negotiating the conflicts and stuff that goes on in her little world.

I need lots of rebound time after dealing with large (and some small) groups of people.

Here is one simple exercise: Look at yourself in the mirror and practice "Oh thank you for asking, that is very sweet and I just absolutely cannot do it. No, there is just no way." and then keep going down the list until you get to "surely you're joking!" "what part of "no" don't you understand?" and "F**k No." Practice makes perfect!

My mom had a friend, when I was growing up, who used to take every Tuesday off to read. All day from after lunch until dinner time (which they ate out that night). Sacrosanct. "I can't, its my reading day." She made exceptions for making lunch for her children until they could make their own pbj's. Then not even for that. No one seemed to suffer much that I can recall.:tup:

 

[Meadowsweet]

I love all the humour in this thread and can't really add much.

I've never come across anybody doing all those things. So much so, that I start to wonder if it isn't some fear of being alone and still for a moment. Angel2write, you seem to be getting the balance just right. kp gives some great way's of doing saying no.

 

[Abrasky]

I was discussing this with my psychologist in my last session. She said when you are ready to start socialising and heal from past hurts, that's good. She also said you also do not have to be close to people if you don't want to. It's easy to swing the other way too and start socialising to much.

Socialising is really good though, it can especially when really young under 3, set someone up for achieving later on. I think. I could be wrong on that, It is just an opnion.

Destrying social relationships is a way abusers destroy someone's centre, that everything else radiates from. Realationships can be lot about what PTSD can be about. I think it is good that you are getting such a strong centre of socialising, sounds like a good sign of recovery.

I like the idea of being in a country with more cows.

 

[angel2write]

I am in favor of cows, too!

Thanks KP & Eleanor for some scripting advice. I will print and practice (like, for real.) KP's will be good for when someone is trying to get me to volunteer for something, and Eleanor's sounds wonderful for all those invitations I can't figure out how to gracefully decline.

I do remember seeing somewhere that you shouldn't give reasons for declining because that will open a door for people to argue. Eleanor's script just says "no" nicely without explaining anything, which is what I need.

Thanks guys. Really, really thanks.