Soft Kill

[Utica]

"The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge." Stephen King, The Shinning.

I am not sure how to do this, there's probably not a right way. But here i go:

• Grandfather raping me for years, molested in my sleep
  
• my father killing my best friend my cat todd by throughing it on my face and breaking my nose
• witnessing my father through my sister down the stairs and locking us in the basement
  
• my father sexualizing me
• my stepmother waking me up every morning for two months with buckets of cold water and verbal and physical abuse
• my father breaking down the door, cops were called my bruises were not developed yet, 8 of them told my father how to legally beat me and which objects
  
• my step mother throughing objects at me and saying nothing ever happened.
• general physical abuse, neglect and physiological trauma from my father, and step mother
• witnessing my father beat my sister
• the night that my mother barricaded us in basement after a fight they had
• being locked in the basement, isolation
• being in a sexually violent and domestic violent relationship for 4 years
• medicing and being beat up by male cops, I didn't beat you to the ground "I don't beat women unless the deserve it"
• being in another abusive sexual relationship
• being molested recently in my sleep, with the person totally knowing I didn't want anything sexual

I have other things, I don't know which ones are the most compared to others, I do feel so ashamed that I couldn't handle these things happening to me. Like a piece of me is forever broken and no matter how much time I try to work this shit out, it goes no where. I know its better then last year, but I wish I was farther along.

I will start with the thing most recent, happended a week or so ago, its sort of f*cked me up.

It is the less of the others, but right now I just need to have it not effect me. It wasn't as bad as the others, but part of me wonders if I am just saying that so I don't have another memory brought with me another memory that shoots in my head as someone touches me with out asking as I flinch and disassociate.

I broke it off with the people I were making out with. It was going so well. But I got molested, it almost seems to say like again. But I told you that I didn't want sex, I told you, you said you understood that, you could handle it that you have worked things out. You whispers before I went to sleep that you were planning on having me love you again. I told you that cuddling would be nice, in a platonic nonsexual way. I am ashamed that I trusted you again and I can't even trust some of my friends to be touched by. I feel like there is this thing that people see that they know that I have been raped. You whispered, that you liked my body. Why did I trust your words. Talking to you you said you didn't know. I told you explicitly that I didn't want to be touched like that.

I can't handle people who I am not attracted sexually to touch me sexually in my sleep. I f*cks with my head too much.

That just ruined me for a minute. I just need to not be molested or raped for a while. So I called things off with the relationships that were working. I just need to recuperate and rebuild my self esteem and self worth.

 

[Utica]

Grammer rule?

 

[digger]

Hi Utica, well done on starting your diary.

Try not to be upset by the editing/ grammar rules. I know it feels difficult, especially when you are dealing with emotional material, but it is just part of the site rules. There is some more information on it here https://www.myptsd.com/help/terms/
Or you could ask on the help desk if you have any specific queries about it.

 

[digger]

Sorry, I've just seen you've already asked on help desk. Hope you are reassured and that it won't prevent you from continuing to post.

 

[Utica]

I know that I won't be able to catch all of the grammar mistakes, because of my disability. I'll have to think about if it want to invest in my healing process on a forum that makes it harder for me to pretisapate.

 

[Utica]

I know there is a forum for sexual assault survivors, I'll see if they have rules that nearly sets me up to fail.

 

[Utica]

I have decided to delete this account. I guess my personal memories will be on here forever without my consent. I would rather have them be taken down.

 

[anthony]

I guess my personal memories will be on here forever without my consent.

Ignorance is not an excuse for your ticking "Agree" to having read forum rules and legal policy, and accepting them before creating an account. The legal policy clearly states content is copyright MyPTSD once posted.