Some advice

[Kay Mouse]

I am not sure how many responses I will get to this, but may as well give it a go as I really have nothing to lose. I am not sure whether I can keep going on with my life indefinitely, or whether there is any hope that I can heal the traumas of my life which, due to what Pete Walker calls 'Re-enactment' have been pretty much lifelong for me. I lost a friend to suicide in 2017 whose life story has now been edited and re-edited by those who knew him, and wish to make themselves look better. He told me he had PTSD, due to childhood abuse. On some level I feel I let him down, even though I tried much, much harder than anyone else to help. After reading Pete Walker's book just a couple of days ago, I am left concluding that I have this disorder. Everything fits, every last description describes my life perfectly.

The reason I don't know if I can heal and help myself is because the person who has directly caused probably over 50% of the trauma in my life is not someone I can sever contact with. They re-traumatise me, continuously. I cannot relocate because I am financed by disability welfare for another condition I am diagnosed with. I would be prepared to do the stuff in Pete Walker's book, and therapy if I had closure on having this abusive person in my life, but I can't get it. They won't give up and give in, they won't leave me alone. I live near them, they are family. I can't get away. I have even conteplated homelessness just to get away from them but live in a country with cold winters. I don't know what to do. There is no point in me working through Pete Walker's book, and trying to find therapist if I just keep being re-triggered and re-abused. This person is a monumentally twisted, machiavellian narcissist, one of the most prolific puppet-masters I have ever had the misfortune to know. They have damaged other people too, other relatives, who also show PTSD symptoms, mainly avoidance.

I have some good days, but more bad ones, where the only things that get me through the day are distractions, to try and avoid constant triggers and to try and numb the horrendous unfairness of what has been done to me, the magnitude of which I would literally need a 5000 word essay to convey. Psychological abuse on an astonishing scale. Imagine a person who had never been free of gaslighting their entire life. It's a miracle I even figured it all out. I don't want to die, but if I can't get away from the abuser then I can't heal, if I can't heal, I am going to be a prisoner to anxiety, dissociation and more re-enactment for the rest of my life. Few friends, either. And few family. Virtually nobody I trust. I pray sometimes, and my strength has got me to age 29, but God doesn't seem to be giving me any answers.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Kay Mouse... I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.. And losing your friend.

I think that you need to support you... What I mean is help... Therapy..... Medication. And alot of self soothing and love. I don't understand why this person you talk of can't be left out of your life?... Whether it be a parent, spouse, child?.…. Especially if they are controlling and hurting you..?.

Im sure you understand that you deserve the best in life... I guess you're in a tough situation... But everybody deserves to be happy.... Right?.... Please take care of yourself.. I hope you can find some way to help yourself... That makes your life better?..

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi, I’m a bit confused as to what you are asking. Thanks.

 

[Kay Mouse]

@Xena

Thank you for responding. I wish it was a simple as just going no contact. It is my Mother. I live close to them. There is a complicated family dynamic in which family members I do have contact with are regularly in touch with people who do see this person. Furthermore, I fear retribution. My financial situation is precarious, i.e. without the disability welfare I will be on the street. This person knows that. They were trying to bully me for a while for having contact with family members whom she had scapegoated, and when I made it clear I wasn't going to tolerate it, she changed tack and shortly descended into the more passive aggressive mode, which is actually worse because she can deny all knowledge of it. The reason I feel I cannot go no contact is because I feel she will find some way of seeking revenge for that. Besides, she lives close, and will find excuses to text. I cannot even confront her about all of the stuff she has done because me and my sister have both witnessed, and been on the receiving end of, her vicious rages, which were occasionally physical, when we were kids. I HATE HER!

Hi, I’m a bit confused as to what you are asking. Thanks.

It was just for advice on my situation. Sorry, I should have been clearer. Not really thinking straight at present.

 

[ladee]

The only thing I could suggest is, first getting a diagnosis from a professional... then you will have a better chance at getting help from resources available to you... not knowing why you can't get away from this person, would you mind sharing a little more about why you can't get away?? It would help us to understand... we will help if we can...

 

[Kay Mouse]

The only thing I could suggest is, first getting a diagnosis from a professional... then you will have a...

Financially I cannot change location. She has my phone number, my email address, a key for my house. She lives a very short distance from my house. I only figured out the whole abuse dynamic in August of last year. Prior to that, I was more or less a brainwashed zombie. She triangulated me, my Sister, my Dad. Played everyone off against each other in one gigantic clusterf*ck. I know she is vindictive enough to do something really bad if I cut contact, I just know it. If I had significant money behind me it would be different. I have not worked in four years now and couldn't now, the state I'm in.

 

[mumstheword]

I do get that sense of trapped and hopelessness. I stayed in this kind of "re inactment" until I was 37 and it was a close to death situation that forced me out. Not blatant violence but erosion of health through the abuse for so long.
Mine used to tell me, or even scream at me, continually, that I was "crazy" , eventually I said "well I'll get help them" . I turned it on its head and used it to start to get support to get me strong enough to break free.

I hope you can do the same and that you don't wait until it's "get out of this or surely die, or worse, completely lose myself and become too far gone (insanity)" like I did.

It is shattering to live under this level of psychological torture and I challenge you to question your notion that you must be continually subject to it.
I ended up homeless, very very ill, it was winter too (ours arent any where near as cold as your's though) then in a woman's refuge but by the time I got away I was at the end of my endurance.I had to leave 6 of my 7 children there, but most of them were not very young, still, hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My heart goes out to you, being subject to this tortuous treatment. It's really hard to extracate oneself from these kinds of things but, I would say, necessary.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m so sorry you lost a friend to suicide. That’s a huge loss. :hug:

You’ve read a good book, and while it seems to fit that you may have PTSD, it’s very dangerous to self diagnose a mental health condition or self determine clinical prognosis. Instead, focus your efforts to get in to see a therapist and/or doctor and discuss with them what you have read about and tour concerns about your mother.

How does this:

My financial situation is precarious, i.e. without the disability welfare I will be on the street.

Connect to third parties (other family members) taking to you about your mother? Does she has any legal control over your finances?

There could be more going on that is contributing to your sense of despair and symptoms that don’t have to do with eliminating contact with an abuser.

For example, in addition to possible PTSD, you may also have some grief, and some robust survivor’s guilt. The grief and survivor’s guilt are going to contribute to life seeming bleaker and more hopeless... when there is actually much reason for hope.

PTSD is very treatable. Reducing/eliminating contact with an abuser is helpful, but it’s not always a deal-breaker when it comes to recovery and improvement.

Survivor’s guilt and grief about losing a friend to suicide are issues that don’t depend on reducing contact with your abuser. Working through that is likely to help overall.

I lost a roommate to suicide. It was so hard. It also wasn’t my fault. It was his choice. He listened to the lie of depression that things were hopeless.

Your friend did the same.

For me, in my darkest moments after my friend was gone, I chose to honor his life by choosing to fight to live. I hope you hang in there and do the same. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Kay Mouse.... That's very difficult when it is your mother. Do you feel and please don't take offence.. That maybe your mum has mental health problems... Like borderline personality disorder... Or something other personality disorder... It would explain her behaviour... Not that I'm saying it's right... Because it's not.... But maybe it would help you set better boundaries if you read up on this conditions?

Big hugs... Please take care of you.....

 

[Kay Mouse]

Hi @Kay Mouse.... That's very difficult when it is your mother. Do you feel and please...

Based on the scale of maladaptation, i.e. beating her twelve year old daughter to the point where she is lying on top of her, whilst screaming at the top of her voice, as her other (five year old) daughter stands watching, utterly traumatised (that was me), I would say that she has a lot more going on than Borderline Personality Disorder. Like I said, I hate her.

This person is a monumentally twisted, machiavellian narcissist, one of the most prolific puppet-masters I have ever had the misfortune to know.