Some Of You Give Me Hope

[nay.elizabeth]

I posted previously that my boyfriend makes more money than me, has discussed living together, I live at home because I have NO money after bills (12 bills, for the record)...

He's once again mentioned living together. I told him we need to sit and discuss it with paperwork in front of us to lay it all out on the table. I've been having massive panic attacks for over two weeks. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't breathe, I'm dizzy...I don't know how to make it stop.

I haven't been my normal happy self and he can sense it. We are spending time together today and he asked me last night if "I'm going to smile when I see him". I told him I didn't know how to take that question and said if I was unhappy I wouldn't bother going over. He's worried about me and has mentioned this several times the last few days.

I don't know if he's triggering me, if it's the relationship, if it's my anger over his roommate, if it's work, if it's the seasonal change, but I can't keep doing this. ANYWAY, after reading posts from many of you about your spouses being frustrated but sticking by your sides, you've been married for a while despite your PTSD (or theirs), or just that people push through it all because they care about the person enough, it gives me a little hope that despite all this crap, I might be able to have a lasting relationship.

I hate myself. I hate that this controls me, and my happiness sometimes, and that I just can't feel like I want to. I love him but I've been distant. He senses it. He says he's here forever, not going anywhere, loves me for who I am, wants a future with me. But it makes me panic. I've been on edge for two weeks...and his support and love for me should make me feel better but it makes me feel worse.

I hope I can get through this and not walk away from something so good. I'd like some friendly advice to add some hope. Please?

 

[The Albatross]

What was the shift from your "normal happy self" to where you are right now? What changed when the relationship turned toward living together?

 

[shimmerz]

Try, if you can, to take it moment by moment. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the 'what ifs' that we wish our lives away....

 

[nay.elizabeth]

We aren't living together yet, but he's brought it up 4 or 5 times. As for a change, I don't know what happened. I went from super excited about our relationship to not really caring if it lasts. But lately I feel like that toward my job, toward friendships, toward life as a whole.

He talks about money a lot. He's complained about his roommate's inability to make money (but "doesn't care" since they pay their part of the rent), he talks about bills and saving to buy a house in a couple years, etc. He just brings it up a lot, and I know it's mostly in passing, but the fact I barely make ends meet and him asking me to move in has made me antsy and has been triggering panic attacks like I haven't had in a very long time.

I can't afford it and he won't believe me when I say my outcome is almost identical to my income. I wrote it all out today; what I owe, when, how much, and if I were to cut back or ditch a few things how little difference it would make, and even wrote down the total and what I make in a month. It's wonderful he wants a future with me and he wants all the things most women yearn for but for me, it's terrifying. I feel like I can't be what he thinks I am. My mind isn't "healthy" and I feel like I'm cheating him on what he could have if he wasn't with me. These thoughts flood me...I'm not good enough, I don't make enough, I'm an emotional and mental mess, I'm just a pile of garbage. I don't know where it is coming from...I usually fight this off, force myself to think positive, but it's eating at me. I'm self harming over it and I'm too old for that.

 

[nay.elizabeth]

Ugh, the website was messing up and it posted the same message twice. I hope I can edit this and take it off.

I'm trying to live moment by moment. I usually do. Sometimes, however, the mind just wanders toward what ifs and futures and wishing things could be predicted so I know what to expect.

He wants me to live, he wants me healthy, he wants me around. I just don't always wish that for myself.

 

[shimmerz]

He wants me to live, he wants me healthy, he wants me around. I just don't always wish that for myself.

It is a huge expectation to live up to. I can understand that. Idk, I had a person who suggested that I try to start looking at 60 seconds in the future, and that is all. It really helped me.

In this 60 seconds, what can I do to be happy (or others happy if you need to externalize through it)? Smile maybe? It can't hurt....

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hope for you the ability to trust the good and and accept the good. But I agree with @The Albatross that it is worth a look into what caused the panic and find the roots of this problem. Or mabe you just are not ready for a step like this one.