Relationship Some Positive?

[grimalkin]

An update on hubby and I.

After a pretty tense couple of days, maybe some positive? After he declared on Tuesday he's done, I gave him exactly what he wanted, his space. I did not initiate conversations with him, didn't pester him for anything, no good night or good bye or hello unless he was right there and it'd have been rude to ignore him.

He initiated a few conversations with me, mostly on our chat program (that's better than yelling across the house), and mostly about things like dinner plans (because apparently "done" means still making dinner for each other?), who's feeding the cat...and then he started sending me funny links and pictures again.

Talk about confusing! I don't know if he didn't hear me, didn't listen, or actually DID hear me and listen, when I said in counseling that those meant a lot to me.

Thursday, I slipped and fell on some ice (the one patch of ice in Tucson, I swear) on my way in to work. I wasn't hurt, just some bruises and sore muscles. I've re-emerged on Facebook because, well, he's done, so he has no reason to tell me it's bad for me (he had said my friends and I are sheep, in the wake of the election, because we were commiserating about our fears, etc). So I posted on Facebook about "haha, fell on the one patch of ice in Tucson, ouchie!" that sort of thing, and I didn't tell him. Wasn't his business, since he doesn't want me to be his business.

He saw it and said "Tell me when you hurt yourself! I could have at least made dinner!" Which managed to lead to an incredibly civil conversation about waiting to *really* make the nuclear option of splitting up until June; he said he's still leaning to yes, but he reserves the option to change his mind. He talked about wanting to travel on his own, starting his own plans of moving out, and meanwhile wanting to just get the household more organized in general meanwhile.

And meanwhile, we take one day at a time. I still give him the time he needs to get calm again. So far, he is still willing to go to counseling together, and that is the one time he hears it from a professional the benefits of getting help for himself (which means the PTSD might convince him our counselor is a danger too, but not so far).

It bothers me that he's making plans to move, but I've also read that can be a good thing? Making the plans of escape help a sufferer feel like they have some control again? Has anyone else encountered that idea?

 

[TheMinsterman]

It's a very tricky situation you're in grimalkin. You may be on to something, my SO/ExSO really drove home how important it is for her to recover her control of life by being to one making her decisions, when it isn't her she doesn't feel any accomplishment or like she's made any progress. Perhaps as you say this is him taking charge of how his life goes, it's hard for you though because you're working on one set of ideas (i.e. you're done), but then he's behaving in a different way sometimes. Mixed messages are hard for you to sift through and decide which to take on board and which not.

 

[Mon15]

I agree, it is so confusing with the mixed messages we get!!!

I'm sorry, but I can't help but laugh at your comment, "and mostly about things like dinner plans (because apparently "done" means still making dinner for each other?), who's feeding the cat"... It's like, when you say we are "done", why do you still expect me to cook dinner or do your laundry? Granted, my S/O don't live together, but I'm there (was) quite a bit because my job allows me to work remote when I'm not out in the field and he wants me there (which is most all of the time). I knew my S/O was starting to get distant and asked me what I was cooking, I cooked, it was amazing according to him, but them the whole starting to become distant thing started, then the next day, boom he's done! Sometimes I just want to ring his neck and ask wtf is wrong with you? But then again, we both know what is wrong, PTSD. I hate this ugly disorder and wish there was a cure... geez, there's a cure or secret cure for everything else, why can't they find one for this???

I am glad to hear that yours has come around, it makes me happy to know that some do come back! :hug:

 

[grimalkin]

I am glad to hear that yours has come around, it makes me happy to know that some do come back!

Oh I don't know if he's come around yet. But there is at least a tiny glimmer of hope now. Our counseling sessions are always a complete unknown for me - he'll be almost "normal" the day before, and the during counseling the next day, drop a hammer.

And he is also likely to see his relaxation at having an escape plan as meaning that's the "correct" decision, because he is still refusing therapy, and seems to think he has this thing under control.

But. One day at a time. It's not me, it's him. One day at a time....

 

[grimalkin]

Yup. Counseling dropped another bomb. Apparently we had different conversations on Friday - "I never said I would consider changing my mind, I'm done." The "wait until June to decide," was actually waiting if we're "going our separate ways," rather than continuing to live in the same house, as roommates. Never mind that I made it clear I was talking about the decision to end our relationship, and he said "I understand." Never mind that I had both of us use reflective listening, to ensure that we were clearly on the same page.

We aren't going to counseling anymore. I asked him that if he's done, then be done. Stop referring to us as our pet names, stop calling me "babe," stop wanting to do things with me, stop being willing to go to counseling to fix us, because it just confuses me even more.

He appeals to "logic" a lot - that he thought about it and came to the "logical" decision. I asked him to at least, out of courtesy to me and the relationship we had, to explain the logic to me. And explain how he thinks it's logical that he goes from "I want you and I need you in my life, we got this," to "I'm done." So far, he can't.

I know, I have to accept that he probably never will. He has to deal with his own demons, and he just can't handle anyone else there. I'm pretty sure my father's death put him over the edge entirely. He loved my dad, too, and with his stress cup already an overflowing fountain, it was waaaaay too much. So, throw everything away and run, because that's the only thing he is willing to do. He's certainly not willing to get any sort of help.

And that's what I have to accept. I just hope I'm strong enough to keep myself together until I can get out of here. Because I feel like I'm losing my mind. And right now? I know we are not good for each other.