Relationship Someone Please Help Me... Losing My Girlfriend To Ptsd

[arun2391]

I'm writing for more information on treatment/therapy for PTSD. My girlfriend has PTSD from a previous relationship of 4 years. He has raped her, abused her physically multiple times, trapped and confined her and threatened to kill her etc, and hurt her family if she ever ran away. She is only turning 21 in November this year. Everything we've been through together has been nothing but perfect the past 10 weeks. I originally met her on a dating site in February 2012. It seemed that we were a perfect match, soulmates infact, just through our words. Sadly her ex found out she was communicating with me and destroyed everything, severed all communication. She was lost to me until recently in May 2013 when she somehow found me on Facebook through a mutual friend. We have been together ever since and I have honestly never been so happy in my entire life. I would do anything for this girl.

Unfortunately, a recent turn of events regarding work uncertainty, stress and other issues have triggered her PTSD. She warned be about this before getting into the relationship. At the time, I didn't fully understand, and I all I did was say "don't worry, forget the past and move on". I now realize how wrong I have been.

We had a minor argument on Tuesday this week, over texts, and she told me she can't deal with a relationship anymore. I was devastated and heartbroken as I didn't want to lose her. I immediately drove to her workplace, without thinking. Despite my pure and loving intentions, I only wanted to let her know I was there for her, and that I didn't want to lose her... She took this the wrong way entirely, as a threat and I scared her (I was only in my car, and I sent her a text saying I need to be with her). She talked to me via text the whole time but refused to meet me.

2 days later, I now realize what a fool I've been. Her abusive ex, did that to her, only he was there for much worst violent reasons (she ran away from him). She related this incident to me showing up there, even though there was no chance I would never ever hurt her. She basically told me that she can't be with me because of her ptsd. She told me that she loves and cares for me a lot, but I can't help her. She needs to be alone and no one can help her. She told me that some days she is madly in love with me, but other days her emotions just shut off and she feels nothing for me...

I have since only sent her a long e-mail, basically letting her know that I now understand (her ptsd) and want to help her, make things right etc. I told her I am here for her, and will gladly pay for her therapy sessions. She has told me before that she had gone to a few sessions and they were working, but she is struggling financially and she can't afford them.

I sent her a long e-mail 2 days ago, letting her know that I now fully understand what she is really going through and PTSD, that I am here for her regardless and she has nothing to fear or to talk to me about anything. That I am willing to pay for any form of treatment she needs. All she replied to me was "Yes, I read it thanks". I told her that she can take her time and I respect that she wants to be alone for a while. After this its been 1.5 days... I honestly just caved in and sent her a text saying "Thinking of you... Are you doing okay?". She hasn't replied to me...

This is not normal at all. We used to spend hours talking to each other everyday, meeting each other multiple times a week, and shes been staying at mine every single weekend. I am more than willing to help her. This girl truly means more to me then my life or anything in this world. I love her so so much, and I am willing to do whatever it takes. Please tell me you can help me and that she isn’t lost to me forever?

 

[Snowangel1225]

You have said what you need to say, now you need to step back and respect her need for space. Pushing and pressuring her for contact right now will only make her pull farther away. She knows you care and when/if she is ready, she will contact you on her terms. As hard as it is, the best thing you can do right now is nothing. She's lucky to have someone like you. Give her time to work through some things and hopefully she will see that.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sadly your story isn't uncommon. A lot of supporters come here during the honeymoon period saying "what happened?!?" and tell a story almost identical to yours. I guess what I'm saying is that it may not seem normal to you, but it is common for sufferers to go through this.

We feel safe in the early stages of a relationship. But then, it becomes too much for us; we feel unsafe and withdraw. I think that reading other supporter threads as well as the PTSD cup explanation will help you.

She may need to be alone at this point, and I think you should respect her wishes. She really had no time to heal from her last abusive relationship before getting involved with you.

I know you want to be told that she'll see the error of her ways and come running back, but we can't say that. PTSD is difficult for both sufferers and supporters. Sadly, without treatment, her healing will be quite slow (if at all).

I wish you the best.

 

[twopenny]

One of the most horrible things about this illness or injury is that pushing away the people who might be the ones to help them is a big part of it.

And it's probably the hardest part to deal with as a supporter. Hub's done it to me repeatedly (though because we were already living together I just refused to leave when he wanted to push me away - if we'd been in separate houses, I don't think we'd still be together - I couldn't have responded with 'I live here too, so no' when he screamed at me to get out). He did lock me out, which was much scarier (I have no family, so literally nowhere to go). I waited in the back garden till he was ready to let me back in (at least it was a nice day).
I also realised in the last few weeks that I do it to him too. He accused me of 'going cold' on him. And pointed out that when we have a row I tell him to 'go and leave me like he wants to anyway'.

As counter intuitive as it may seem to you, it makes perfect sense to her. She may be feeling that she doesn't deserve the help, and you're better off without her, she may be feeling scared of you, or anything else you could think of. To her it's perfectly logical, and more than that, to her, it's absolutely the right thing to do for the good of you both. She may even be trying to be kind to you.

At this stage, pressuring her may only make her run so far in the opposite direction you'll never see her again. I can't promise you will, whatever happens - nobody can, especially not her.
All you can hope for for now is that she gets over her current difficulties / episode, and that when you get back to her in a month or two (assuming you decide you are able to), that she'll be able to talk to you then.

It can take a long time for somebody with this thing to get to a point where they can trust - and if her cause is based around a relationship, it may be that much harder for her to deal with that. It may be that you have to accept that she will never be able to give you the kind of love you need, being realistic. Although the romantic in me says be patient, and don't give up yet. Give it some time and be there if she needs you.

 

[arun2391]

Thank you so much for the support and advice. I really do appreciate it...

I'm sorry that I am in such a mess, I just don't know what to do. I've come to terms with the reality that I may never see her again, and there is nothing I can do. I don't really know what I'm going to do personally to even begin to cope with losing her.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Being the supporter in a PTSD relationship is a learning process. You have to learn about PTSD and it's symptoms and treatment. You have to learn your partner's symptoms, their triggers, and how they react to them. Most importantly, you have to learn how to manage yourself as a supporter.

This is not going to be like any other relationship you have ever had. People with PTSD do not respond to stress well. There are going to be times when she just cannot deal with you or you emotions. My sufferer told me that when he can't even handle his own stress, fear, and emotions, he sure as hell can't handle mine. You cannot argue with a sufferer like you argue with other people. It is like throwing gasoline on a fire. You have to learn to be calm and rational when you want to yell sometimes. There is a book called "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy" by Diane England (it is listed in the books section here on the forum). It outlines some simple methods to use for conflict resolution instead of arguing.

You also have to take care of yourself. When somebody with PTSD is isolating, they are not going to respond well to repeated attempts at communication, but you are also going to drive yourself crazy with worry every time you try to get ahold of her and she doesn't respond. You have to take a step back and let her contact you again. She may come around, and she may not. This is the worst part...worrying yourself sick. As hard as it is, you have to make yourself move on with your life. You can't live your life waiting on her to come out of isolation.

Part of taking care of yourself is also learning to set boundaries. You have to decide what behaviors you are and are not willing to tolerate in a relationship, then lay it all out. She will have her own boundaries. It is important for you both to respect each other's boundaries if you want the relationship to work.

These are all things you learn to manage over time. It is possible to have a good relationship with somebody who has PTSD if you are both willing to work at it.

 

[Flyaway]

I think you definitely need to step back... I know this sounds harsh, but you were being selfish when you turned up at her work. You were thinking of your needs not hers- it sounds like she needs people around her who have her needs as a priority at the moment. If you can't do this, you need to step away all together.

 

[arun2391]

Thanks for the reply.

I think I've accepted that there's really nothing I can do. I logged into my facebook account today and I realized she has deleted me... :(

I will never understand why or what I did wrong all my life. I wish I didn't have to lose her this way.

Thank you again for your help everyone...

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I am so sorry for your pain. Have the two of you ever been on a date?

Has your entire relationship been online?

 

[arun2391]

Yes StrongerNow, we have. We've been together since May 31 this year. She only found me through a mutual friend early May. This whole ordeal only happened last weekend. She has spent every single weekend with me at my place, and we met several times during the week as well. There was never anything wrong, we were truly perfect and happy together. Then one day just completely turned around.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

How did her ex destroy all communication between the two of you? I'm just trying to get a more complete picture.

Also, does he stalk her?

It seems he has power over her? Does she live at home? What's her relationship like with her family?

How old are you?

 

[arun2391]

He found our conversations online and deleted everything, and my number etc. He also physically abused her for it (that she told me now when we started dating). She was too afraid to try to escape or get help. He threatened to kill her, hurt her family etc.

He stalked her for weeks randomly, but he never did anything since it was in public. she related me showing up at her workplace to him doing the same months ago. I think that was one of the things that drove her away even further. I would never hurt her, I only wanted to talk to her and let her know I was there for her.

She had a troubled childhood. her mum cheated on her dad and abandoned them when they were young. She's the oldest of 4. She's 21 this year end, I'm 26 at the moment.

Her dad has issues of his own and she lives on her own, supporting her 17 year old sister as well... I know, all this just makes things that much worst.

I am doing more then okay financially and I would never think twice to help her. I'd never want or expect anything in return. This whole ordeal has thought me that money truly doesn't bring happiness. I would honestly give it all up to be with her again...