Relationship Someone Please Help Me. What Am I Supposed To Do

[alise06]

Hello all,
I have been doing tons of research on PTSD, and joined this forum so I could hopefully get some thoughts/advice on my personal circumstance. I warn you this may turn out longer than I would like, but I feel all the details are important in putting this together.

My boyfriend, well ex at the moment, and I have been together for five years. We have a three year old daughter together. He spent four years in the Marines where he was a military cop and a k9 handler. He deployed to Iraq. He and I met after he had been home for a couple of years.

Now my present problem is this: (let me tell you that this near exact same thing happens at least once a year, always around this time of the year) Everything was apparently fine in our relationship, we had our general ups and downs as all relationships do, but nothing serious and nothing that put the future of our relationship on the edge. I was beginning to get angry and resentful towards him because he was not spending as much time as he should have been with our daughter and I (we have not been living together for quite some time now, when after one of these episodes a couple years ago I moved out of his house.) I was holding it in because he does not handle conflict the best way, I was hoping it would pass. However last week right before Thanksgiving he was watching our daughter while I had an appointment, and when I got home he was right out the door saying that his friend wanted to go see Catching Fire (who I know beyond a doubt is a GUY friend.) So he left and I sat there thinking when all of a sudden I halfway lost it. I text him and said "Should we consider being apart?" That was my text word for word. I was not insinuating that I was breaking up with him, but I wanted to get the conversation started because I wanted to know what the deal with him was. I realize now that I probably shouldn't have done that.

He then calls me and asks me if I'm happy. I said well not right now I'm not, and that he was so selfish with his time etc. So then he instantly gets angry at me, and says that I control him and treat him like a child and make his life miserable. However he only had one example of my "making his life miserable," which was I told him this truck he wanted to buy was a bad idea and that he shouldn't do it. (I was begging him to listen to me and understand what I was trying to tell him about it. He makes horrible impulsive decisions, especially about money. This truck was a 2000 dodge Durango, with 103K miles on it, and they were asking $8,000 for it at a very high interest rate.) He then continues to tell me how he doesn't want our relationship any more along with some more mean words, and I hang up on him. I spend the rest of the day crying and in shock.

The next day, I wake up PISSED. Super pissed. And I begin texting him things like "I hate you, because of you our daughter will never have the family she deserves, you're never going to change,I'm jumping right back into dating, etc etc etc." I'm not gonna lie, I was not nice in the things that I said to him. He ignored all of it. The day after Thanksgiving, after I had calmed down and thought some, I text him and said that we needed to fix our relationship, I said that I loved him more than I could ever say and that I don't belong with anyone but him. I said our not being together wasn't right. He text back that he wouldn't know where to start.

So for the next couple days, I try and talk to him through text, saying that I think he is having a PTSD episode, to let me be there for him through this, basically a bunch of encouraging, loving things. I did tell him that I also didn't mean the previous things I had said to him. Again I got basically no response to anything what so ever.

Then this past Wednesday I told him that he at least owed me a conversation. He called me. I did not provoke during the conversation, but in a calm but cold voice he began to tell me that the whole past year of our relationship has been a fake to him. That he didn't love me, didn't want to be with me, that he had just been telling me what I wanted to hear to keep me happy, that he never spent any time with our daughter because he didn't want to be around me, that he didn't miss me blah blah blah other stuff along the same lines as that. I have not spoken to him since. It's just not possibly true, all the things he said. Less than a month ago we went out for our anniversary (and HE planned it!! Which DOES NOT happen!), in the past year we have looked at engagement rings (he went on his own and had the jewellery store order in rings he knew I wanted to see in person) we even picked one out.

We were planning on getting an apartment together in the next few months...we had future plans, and he was involved with making them. None of these plans were just my talking AT him, and I never held him down with a knife to his throat demanding that he do any of the things with or for me that he did. They were of his own choosing. So I KNOW he is pushing me away and being hurtful to do so, especially because I was pushing at him. At least I 95% know that...

This is now my issue that I can't get out of my head: Like I said this happens basically once a year, and the hostility is always taken out on me and everything to him is my fault. He always gets nasty to me when we deal with this. This past summer is when I finally got him into the VA for treatment. He has kept all his appointments with his therapist and the psychiatrist, he is diagnosed by several different doctors as having PTSD and he has been taking meds. HOWEVER!!!! - they just changed his meds. Zoloft worked very well for him, but it had some sexual side affects that he did not like. So I told him that they should be able to work with him to find one that works well all around. So they changed him to prozac, a very LOW dose of prozac. The change was almost instant in him. The anger, coldness, hostility, and detachment began almost immediately. Every other time in the past when this problem has began, I have kind of backed away, because I didn't know what else to do. Also every other time, he makes it clear that he does't want to be with me. BUT we always have gotten back together. The longest we have been apart was two months before he came back. THIS time though, instead of drifting away when he got like this, I forced myself on him. Which I probably shouldn't have done. My thought process at the time was "I know we always get back together, I want to fix this now, instead of waiting for weeks to pass. I don't want the holidays to be ruined." So thats why I really pushed at him - and my pushing is what I think led him to the mean words in hindsight.

He is a wonderful man, my best friend. I know him in a way and sides of him that no one else does. There are so many ways in which I love him. I love how he makes me laugh, how I can be silly and myself around him, how willing he is to want to protect me, how he tries to show affection even though it is so hard for him, the moments when he says something so incredibly sweet and romantic because those things are also so hard for him. I love how I feel when he holds me, I love seeing him with our daughter, I love the dynamic we have together as a couple. I do not doubt my ability to find someone else, and don't think that I am deserving of this treatment right now and I don't have a low self esteem. I just love him with all I've got and thats why I hang on through these times. He is so much more than the things that have happened to him, and I in no way believe that he WANTS to be the way he is a lot of the time. I don't blame him for what he has and for the way it influences him to think and behave. But I need to know that this is normal - at least to a degree. I know everyone is different and responds differently, but having known him for so long, I will not believe that he is just an ass. I mean the man cries at ASPCA commercials for crying out loud, he cried when our daughter was born, and I have seen him cry as he tells me his experiences from Iraq...he has a heart. And i know he is feeling hurt that I can't take away. I feel like I would be so wrong to walk away and leave him like everyone else has because of this, despite how cruel he is being to me. When this passes for him I know that he will need me to be there. BUT I am worried about the damage he will do in the time we are apart which will build on the mountain of things over the years I already struggle with because of him.

My degree is in psychology, so I analyze this naturally from every angle. But I am not extensively trained in PTSD. Am I crazy? Wrong? I've called his doctor at the VA and told her how he was being, yet all she did was raise the prozac dosage, which I am super annoyed about. So basically I need some thoughts or advice from anyone willing to provide them.

 

[Bluerose]

No expert but was married to a soldier for twenty years. It was a stormy marriage with periods of overwhelming love and tenderness as we tried to work together and help each other. Finally sat down and had the chat. Agreed to divorce and stay friends while continuing to help each other where we could. He’s with someone else now and we are both doing much better. If we had carried on the way we were someone would have got seriously hurt.

A part of the problem for each of us was knowing that we were hurting each other even more with our sympathy and attempts at understanding when the other person felt their behaviour didn’t deserve it. There were times when I didn’t want his understanding, I wanted him to get mad. And with hindsight, I think that’s what he wanted too.

If you’ve ever read The Taming Of The Shrew, you’ll know what I’m talking about. He was killing me with kindness and I loved him for that but I resented him too because it often left me feeling manipulated. And when it was him struggling, I think I did the same. This understanding came much later - too late.

Sometimes being sympathetic to the other person’s plight only caused that person to feel even more guilty that they can’t be a better person for you. The guilt and sorrow of not being able to respond to the sympathy and understanding can be overwhelming.

If I had it to do again, I think I would try to accept him and his silences, and would ask him to do the same for me. We can show our love in so many small ways without the long, dragged out discussions and explanations. I would recommend time and space with small acts of love and kindness.

 

[nursenurse]

Leave him be for now. It sounds like he has verbalized these kinds of feelings towards you before, and that he has been acting Jekyll/Hyde-ish. Does the negativity come from someone who is trying to protect you from themselves, or are these feelings ones that are there but you have not been able to accept? It is possible that as much as he loves your child, and perhaps you, that he is just not into the relationship as much as you thought he was. You have to give some credence to what he has said, otherwise you diminish him, even though what he said isn't what you want to hear. "It can't possibly be true" really could be true. You both need time, and some counselling, apart and together.

Make your own life in the meantime. I really hope you are able to keep your little family together, but for now, he clearly needs his space.

 

[Madhather]

I think Bluerose and nursenurse have given good advice. Step away, work on building a good life for you and your daughter. If nothing changes, nothing changes. All the best.

 

[Snowangel1225]

And I begin texting him things like "I hate you, because of you our daughter will never have the family she deserves, you're never going to change,I'm jumping right back into dating, etc etc etc." I'm not gonna lie, I was not nice in the things that I said to him.

This probably isn't going to be the most popular response, but then again, I'm not here to be popular. Honestly, if my significant other would go off on me like that, I would walk away. Or at the very least step waaaaay back for awhile...probably a long while. Words hurt and can not be taken back. I think you both need to seek counseling separately to learn how to deal with your emotions in a healthier way. Only then, after you both have done a lot of work towards bettering yourselves, should you even think about working on being together. It sounds like you are a trigger for each other and your daughter is the one in the middle of the chaos.

 

[scout86]

I don't know why I keep reading the stuff in the "supporter/relationship" section. I'm not a "supporter" and I'm not in a relationship at the moment. So, feel free to blow this off!

First, maybe go back and read what you wrote, and imagine that from his side, not yours. When I read it, I thought, "Wow! That would do it for me!" I'd be gone from your life so fast you'd never know I was there! That's not totally fair, because I have no idea what really led up to those moments. But, if I'd been, in my view, struggling to make things work, mostly out of a sense of responsibility and then had the other party blow up at me like that, it probably would have been the last straw. Actually, when I think about it, that's about the way my marriage ended. My ex started a fight, and, for some reason, that day, I looked at him and thought, "I'm not going down this road one more time!" That was the beginning of the end. I don't know that PTSD had anything to do with it, other than it may have been a factor in me being in that particular relationship to begin with.

Now, personally, there are some times of the year that typically "bother" ME more than others, for fairly specific reasons. This past Tues was the anniversary of the suicide of a good friend. I'm not fond of the holidays, I hate winter, it's long and dark and cold. I'm not likely to be at my best this time of year. I'm actually aware of that, because I've thought about it. HE may or may not have similar issues, if that's what you're getting at. He also may or may not be aware of it. It seems to me that a calm, loving conversation at a time that wasn't charged with a lot of emotion might be a better way to approach things.

In this case, it sounds like HE didn't know what YOU were thinking/feeling and YOU don't know what HE was thinking/feeling and you jumped all over him out of frustration without much warning. I can't see any real reason to expect that to work, can you?

A good and wise friend used to tell me, "Sometimes you need to ask yourself, 'What do I actually want here? Is it the shear joy of a really good fight, or is it to actually accomplish something?' Because usually you can't do both at the same time." He told me that A LOT, probably because sometimes I'm a little slow....

 

[kahlan]

Was having a hard tme focusing enough to read that whole post but a few things stood out.

The message going off on him, while maybe feeling good to get it out that quick was just mean in reality, especially throwing your daughter into the mix.

You said yourself he isolates this.time of year regularly...instead of taking it as an affront to you, did you stop and try to find out why?

As a (former) supporter, I've unwittingly stepped in more than a few piles of ptsd poo, but if I had said or done any of that, it would have ended much much sooner. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Powder]

At college, family was defined in Anthropology as a group of people who are better off together than apart. I like this definition better than a biological definition because if the people in the family are actually better off apart, then they should not stay for mere biological reasons.

I think we all have to consider the relationships we are in, from time to time, to check if we meet this criteria, if not only for our good, but for our child's and the other person's. It is really not always best for the child to be stuck in the middle of a downward spiral. It's a very tough call. Sometimes people just know.

 

[alise06]

Was I wrong in interpreting the purpose of this site as a means of support for those dealing with a loved one who has PTSD? Seemingly the majority of these responses insinuate that I am the problem here and how wrong I was to respond to him in the way that I did. True, I did not respond the way I should have, but I am human and I have been personally attacked in this same manner by him several times, but that does not make it hurt me any less.

Nothing I said to him was said from a truly hateful place with the sole purpose to hurt him. I would NEVER say something to him with that intent. I have forever walked on eggshells with this man for fear of how I know he can react, so now I am the one who is wrong because of the one day I didn't pre analyse my every word and action before saying or doing it?? I'm the one who is wrong for the one day I retaliated his mean words?? I'm wrong because that day I didn't spend the majority of my time trying to put together his behaviours and tie them to something related to his PTSD?? Seriously? I've given the majority of my thoughts, efforts, time, empathy and compassion over the last five years to this man, and the day I finally snapped is the day I'm a selfish thoughtless girlfriend?? And out of all that I wrote, my direct wrong doing was the one thing that was picked out and zeroed in on, rather than advice on if this is on the somewhat normal grid as far as PTSD goes? Maybe I'm on the wrong site here...

 

[nursenurse]

You can't relate all his behaviours to PTSD, you are right. And you as a human being are entitled to your feelings. Feelings are never right or wrong, they are what they are. Eggshells suck big time. I think you may need to re-evaluate your relationship, however. You do not deserve bad treatment. If this is bad now, and without getting some kind of help for both of you, it can only get worse. While your sense of timing may have been off, eg. texting him "Should we be apart" when he is out with a friend, it seems you have been walking this tightrope for awhile and you may be at the end of your own rope for now.

A few of the folks who have posted are sufferers, and hence may feel very strongly about these same things that have happened to themselves. As well, remember that support does come in many forms, and may not be welcome when we hear things that we don't want to hear. While what you said to him may not have been inspired by hate, it will still come out like that, so you have to keep in mind what he hears, as he should be able to keep in mind what you hear when he says spiteful things. If your relationship is full of you both saying spiteful things to each other, then it is time to evaluate yourselves as a couple, without PTSD. PTSD doesn't make someone automatically mean and spiteful. However, being in the wrong relationship for the wrong reasons, and staying out of a sense of obligation can. That goes for any relationship on this earth. That is why I have suggested counselling for both of you. You say you have been living apart for a couple of years now. At what point does that become more a co-parenting issue rather than a relationship issue, because at this moment, you guys are both in a relationship limbo that I suspect will be hard to crawl out of, and PTSD is the least of your problems.

I am really sorry for all of you, truly. It is a hard road to say the least.

 

[Bluerose]

I hear you. We can only respond to your post. We don’t know the full extent of your situation. But you do, and in reading other people’s response you have the whole picture coming into play, and our response may not fit that picture. But we can only respond to your post.

Relationships can be tough at the best of times but when you’re in a relationship with someone who is suffering any kind of emotional problems it can be so much tougher. You’re the only one who knows if you are strong enough for that kind of relationship.

Backing off is a decent option but I’m sure it’s not the only one. Only you can decide what is best for you and your child.

Others can only give you the benefit of their experience what you do with the information is up to you.

If you are still unsatisfied with the responses why not try rewording your post or providing a bit more information perhaps.

Usually it takes a bit of correspondence in order to get everyone on the same page.

Give the forum a chance.

Very best wishes.

 

[bell]

@alise06, I think all people were doing was pointing out that what you did say may have caused some negative reaction. We all have the end of our rope, so to speak, and days we say less than kind things... especially when dealing with someone who has PTSD, because it's frustrating and just darn tiring to walk on all those eggshells! It doesn't mean that you're a "selfish thoughtless girlfriend," it means that you're a tired one from all that tiptoeing around (and who wouldn't be!).

I think this is the kind of thing that needs room to breathe (harder than it sounds, I know) and time for everyone to cool down. Just focus on your daughter and your own mental health right now and allow him to come back when he wants. Then, maybe it would be a good time to start therapy yourself in order to be your best self and the best mom you can be amidst this "relationship limbo" as @nursenurse put it, which it most certainly is.