Something Is Rotten In Denmark

[Kintsugi]

Well, my dear Alba, unfortunately I simply don't have time, I feel. I have a friend flying in in a week for a week, then two weeks later I fly across the country myself--all the while broke at SHIT (like selling stuff, clearing out my 401k BROKE). I guess in September I can put self-care at the forefront, except by then I really need to be rolling out applications for grad school. Maybe I can reschedule myself for mid-December, except, oh, wait, maybe I might move around November, so...

:banghead: :meh:

 

[The Albatross]

Interesting priorities. I think I might re-examine that. Not a judgment or criticism, just an observation. I just said "thinking cap", you're reply was what you would be doing and that you didn't have time. Even sitting at a stop light is a couple minutes of time... but understand that though you posted about your increased awareness of depression and tendency toward anorexia.

Is it really "impossible" to prepare for? I'd take another hard look at that as well. You said: "it is really impossible to prepare for. I am feeling more tells now (particularly insomnia of both falling and staying asleep--bad sign for me to have both) than I have in the last false starts with depression over the past year. Anyway, it's hard to remember all of the ingredients that seem to go I to the cocktail of depression, how it really feels on the inside. I don't want to die yet. I'm kind of numb. Kind of irritable. My patience is low. I feel listless. I'm tired as hell. Still losing weight (still not eating much). Anorexia is giddy with me these days."

Meal skipping affects glucose and can lead to decision fatigue... it in turn, can adversely affect your willpower and also your cognitive ability to make decisions. I just learned that from a friend lately... put up some stuff on my diary but the links were removed by a mod. If you want me to I'll send them along to you by p.c.

Particularly because of all the things you list above in your post #13... is why I'd take another look at self management or self care rather than try to power it out feeling as you do in your opening post while depriving yourself nutritionally... there's got to be a bit of time for that, cuz it's not really an optional thing is it? All things from the center... the center is self care like in order to save somebody else, you have to assess the situation and take the actions necessary for your own safety as well before you jump on in.

Instead of "The biggest broken things I needed to fix are fixed. I have only small things left, and then Myself. Myself. My Self."... I'd pause to reconsider and flip the script to "Yay me! The biggest broken things I needed to fix are fixed! Now I would do well to deal with Myself. Myself. My Self so that I can continue to operate optimally and make solid/sound/good decisions as I deal/do the small things that are left." Or something like that.

But hey... you've known me long enough to know this isn't advice/counsel or an edict... it's just a suggestion from a friend, K????

P.S. Are you off the Nyquil and has your body chemistry rebalanced yet? It takes a while ... just checking.

 

[Kintsugi]

I am loving all your feedback as always, @The Albatross. I quit NyQuil about 7 weeks ago. Stopped drinking about... Two? Weeks ago. I'm clean clean clean...

I should eat but Anorexia is now on my shoulder and also I am brokkkke... I eat tablespoons of peanut butter and supplement the rest with ramen and instant mac and cheese. I need some V8 because I'm feeling very veggie deprived. I brought three apples, three red potatoes, and a box of steamer brussel sprouts for dinner to work tonight. I ate a tablespoon of peanut butter AND a slice of pizza so I feel good right now.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thinking of you. With the ailment I realize it is very difficult to eat but with no money it is impossible have you considered into looking for food banks. My family had to use them when my husband got laid off after eleven years at a steel mill. Just keep on reaching out for help and support and we will suppoet you through this. You are an amazing and inspiring person and I always love reading your posts.

 

[Kintsugi]

I have refused to seek food stamps historically because my family would not let me starve. However, my budget is looking tight as I trudge onward alone, and habitually asking for money or to borrow money from my mother is extremely damaging to my state of mind. I'll talk this over with my T, maybe. It might be time for me to suck it up and admit I might need some kind of assistance. :(

ETA: while I do think I very much financially qualify for assistance and should totally do that if I want to stop selling stuff for gas money etc, anorexia is really loving this. It sounds terrible... But I look awesome. Aside from looking tired and a little worn down. I cherish the feeling of hunger when I wake up, the clothes that are loose, the feeling of accomplishment I have when I eat under so many calories... Anorexia tells me nobility is having coffee and cigarettes instead of meals while busting butt to keep my teeth in shape.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Good i think I was so grateful for the help we got when my husband was layed off because i was a stay at home mom for most of the time. We had no family support so we had to go for help Simon. I am glad that you are considering this. Hugs. There is no shame in doing this only gratitude. Hugs.

 

[Ronin]

Simon, I relate - and others have commented on the ups & downs coming so in hand rather well already - so I was thinking, do you know what helps you moderate the differences? Scale somewhere toward the center, in actions at least, even if emotions go wild in all directions?

 

[Friday]

LMAO...Simon... We have the same stress-diet. Almond butter, tho :p

Don't forget about FoodBanks

ETA... In all the moving madness, if nowhere to cook, you can make an alcohol burner out of a soda can, or a grill outta charcoal & a throw away tinfoil box.

 

[StellaBlue]

if nowhere to cook, you can make an alcohol burner out of a soda can, or a grill outta charcoal & a throw away tinfoil box.

...and we now know that @FridayJones is, in real life, actually MacGyver.

 

[The Albatross]

Okay so the booze... your body can reset and start to recover at about 90 days... which depends of course on your use, but also is a contributing factor to depression. The trick used an recovery circles is fresh fruits liberally.

Not saying you had an addiction or anything to Nyquil... but just and FYI (and am hoping the link isn't removed) as it is potentially significant or something that can contribute to several factors and the insomnia. Also apparently it affects the body's ability to manufacture GABA: http://nyquiladdiction.com/nyquil-addiction-withdrawal

 

[The Albatross]

Not discounting what you are experiencing Simon... just posing a question as to other potential sources that are causing your slide toward depression. But of course you know that already. ((((Kick the shit out of this and don't let the physiology mop up the floor with you MIssy, K?))))

And take a look at the relationship between glucose and decision fatigue, I'm pc'ing you the links. Even though you didn't ask me to. Sometimes I'm just kinda pushy.

 

[Kintsugi]

I didn't drink nightly for very long. Far less time than the average college student. I was binging, though, for sure, and on purpose.

I'll look up food banks. I've donated... Don't know how they work at all though. >.<

I just ate like 6 servings of veg and feel a bit better already. I wonder if eating more vegetables will help regulate my insane-o sleep.

@Cashew and @FridayJones Do you have examples of middling? Gentling? I don't know how, maybe? I am getting a major kick out of driving my "new" car. I love driving, find it relaxing with a shot of adrenaline for good measure, and driving stick for the first time has been awesommmmmme.

@StellaBlue I always had my suspicions... :shifty: Actually, Friday, my kitchen woes should be over tomorrow. I actually bought enough food to live on but my refrigerator broke. It was replaced today and will be kicking tomorrow. Anyway, all that pretty much went bad except the few things I salvaged (see my dinner menu for tonight plus a huge jar of olives and a half pound of mozzarella... I am so weird). The ants got my cereal. The dog got my bread (what an asshole and also ?!?!?). FML. :meh:

I prefer depression over anxiety but due to my monetary situation they're both rushing me with pitchforks at the moment. Ugh...