Relationship Sometimes Enough Just Has To Be Enough. Still Struggling With Boundaries And Enabling.

[Sighs]

Yep. Nothing pisses me off more than being blamed for all the shit in his life when in reality I'm the only one actually in the trenches with him. Sigh!

 

[NaeNae75]

Yep. Nothing pisses me off more than being blamed for all the shit in his life when in reality I'm the on...

I hear you! It completely sucks. We had a"family meeting" yesterday because my daughter is beginning to experience depression over the situation. It just confirmed how he doesn't see straight still. His thinking is not very logical.

She told him she's hurt and feels like they went from being close to her feeling like she doesn't matter. (Boy can I relate.) We told him it isn't sustainable for them to come over for dinner once in a while and basically ignore us and expect us to be okay with that for the long term.

He told me he can't decide if we should be in a relationship or not. That he doesn't know if he wants to be alone. I told him that makes no sense. I told him that he hasn't been alone the last 6 weeks that this has been going on. He's only been half in - at a "safe distance" for him. That he wants all the benefit of a relationship but not the responsibilities of one.

He thinks it's okay to expect things from me but not "be with" us. This isn't going to be acceptable to me. I told him I'm not okay with being just friends. I told him we can take things slow...(obviously since this all the further we are after 6.5 years). But he had to at least vocalize he wants to make things work. I don't think that's too much to ask for. He needs to say he wants to work towards us becoming a healthier couple...that's it.

He even said again this morning, "well now that being friends is off the table ". I told him it's never been on the table. He acted like he didn't know that. I said, well do you kiss all of your friends every day? ...or any of them? It's ridiculous. He knows for a fact I am not okay with that...not after all this time.

He's mad at me because I'm "making " him make a choice. He wants his cake and to eat it too. I've made it crystal clear I don't think that's okay. I have to protect myself and my kids too.

I told him hard choices are part of life. He's not exempt from them because he has PTSD. I know I'm not exempt because of mine. If he decides to leave...then I guess I have to live with it. But I don't think that's what he wants, I know it's not what I want. He's holding on to some sort of alternate reality though. He has no idea what it is he's afraid of. He has no idea why he's in such a heightened state right now. He has no idea why he's so "afraid" of me..."afraid" of our relationship....

I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I have to wait....it's so hard.

 

[Silver.]

What an awesome family conversation you all had. It was so, so good that your daughter was able to voice how she was feeling to him. She is exactly right that she should have a place of importance as well.
And you??
I see boundaries being put up and voiced all over that post. You should be SO proud of yourself for stating what you wanted, what wasn't acceptable and what needs to happen to stay a family.
This:

He's mad at me because I'm "making " him make a choice. He wants his cake and to eat it too. I've made it crystal clear I don't think that's okay. I have to protect myself and my kids too.

All I could think was YES! You go girl!!
It is totally unfair to shirk out of the responsibilities of the relationship and still expect one.
I hope more than anything he will really think about how his actions are hurting everyone and come to a decision to do what is best for you and your children (and him and his of course). I hope that something clicks so he makes the choice soon, so you can all settle in and start moving forward.

Sending you strength, hugs and a high five x

 

[NaeNae75]

What an awesome family conversation you all had. It was so, so good that your daughter was able to voic...

I don't think I could "like" your quote any more if I tried! This is seriously one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm really good at being a doormat, at feeling like I don't deserve to be treated any better, so "so be it". But seeing my kids hurt because of it too....that I can't handle. So, I have to set a good example for all of us, I guess.

Of course I hate every minute of it because it doesn't feel "safe", but I can't hide behind that. I hope he realizes there are consequences to all of our actions. I guess placating him for so many years and essentially "enabling" him has led to this. But I can't spend another 7 years in limbo. I read on another post here that a gentleman lost his girlfriend by isolating and going into "freeze" mode to feel safe while he fixed what was wrong with him to be a better man, but lost her in the meantime. I printed that and gave it to him.

I told him we are not characters in a movie. We are humans, and we can not have a "pause" button pressed on us. It just doesn't work that way. I want him to realize he can be safe to work on his issues and still be part of our family. The two do not have to be mutually exclusive.

Thanks again for the support. It's hard to know sometimes if I'm doing the right thing...so it's nice to have that validation sometimes.

 

[Mim28]

Hi Nae, I'm just reading this now and I'm sorry that you had to or are still going through this. First of all, NO, you don't deserve it. I was in a relationship with someone who was bipolar and refused medical treatment. I started to feel like there were too many blurred lines between the condition and his jerk behavior. In the end, he just turned out to be a jerk. He called 6 months later to say he got treatment and I was truly glad, but I saw (from a distance) the behavior continue.
You can't and shouldn't be everything to everyone until you are everything to yourself. I hope you've set some boundaries and are getting the respect you deserve!

 

[NaeNae75]

Hi Nae, I'm just reading this now and I'm sorry that you had to or are still going through this. First o...

What a super sweet thing to say! I appreciate it greatly. Thank you so much for your support.

I suppose I am lucky that he is at least trying to get treatment again. Funny thing is, he's normally not a jerk...his usual self is really very sweet, loving, and doting. Normally, he can handle his stress and symptoms, but he's really under some major hold this time. But I think I'm learning it's possible to be supportive and have boundaries. I'm learning it's okay to have expectations from other people too.

So, I'm still trying, and still learning, and still loving others and myself....I can only be me. I can't/won't be anyone else. I hate being the scapegoat for his "issues". I just wish I knew how to show him I'm not the cause of his fears.