General Sometimes I Don't Know If It Is "him" Or Me...

[May1321]

OMG! It is a crazy week... I'm sure this is part of it...

Since my sufferer decided to make more efforts to be a better "man for me", things have been fantastic! I think some things that have definitely helped is that when I finally threw down the gloves and said, "can't do this anymore" and completely walked away - which I've tried to do so many times before but always had one foot in - I found a new strength in me that coupled with just clearing my head that week and taking notice to the great things I have accomplished for myself.

Well... lately I feel like we're reaching this burn out mode again (because it happened before).

We just spent the weekend with my family. T actually had his plans made for it without me bothering him about it any more - Check for the "improved man" list :tup:. I, on the other hand, was waiting for him to bail... I don't know if this is wrong, or truly having no expectation, I surely hate expecting the worse but I also hate disappointment... Anyway, he didn't bail and I was extremely happy.

Problem appears that the whole time we were home, I was so worried about him relaxing that I don't feel like I truly relaxed.

He did well and I know he feels very comfortable around my brother so that helps. He gave my mom a hug when we got there and my dog (and my brother's dogs who hate everyone) all really really loved him... (so my sense that there is good in him is proven ;) )

He made a few comments to me that had me on edge with how comfortable he was. I explained to him that eventually I would like for me and my family to be an extension of his "safe place bubble". He said we are, he just needs a few of his comforts around to help me. That and he likes to get me going :eek: He said he had a blast, but I'm always afraid these days he's just saying that because he doesn't want to speak his truth because he's afraid to hurt feelings.

So I don't know... maybe it is just me. I'm trying to not be on "alert" that he is going to snap but I get into this mode and all of my insecurities start to surface. I know it's more than just the busy weekend... he's got an invasive family/work life right now that he is trying to correct... he is trying really hard to quit smoking so that was sort of a curse this weekend. He's just trying to be better.

I'm in the middle of moving AND packing to leave on my vacation in a couple of days. I think I've been most successful lately at NOT bothering him, and I know how much he appreciates that I do not depend on his help. This opens the door for him to WANT to help. But I've had a lot of stress going on too.

I can tell he's high stress and I have a hard time still coping with that emotionally when I get stung by it... like today, haven't really talked to him since breakfast... found out I was getting this used couch I bought delivered and called him to ask him if he could see if I could borrow this upholstery cleaner from one of his employees.... before I could get the question out he snapped at me that he didn't have his truck. I snapped back telling him he didn't need to yell at me and he needed to let me finish my question before assuming what I needed because I didn't need the truck.

My sis-in-law and I talked about this sort of talk from T and her from my brother's PTSD symptoms and it hurts. They don't totally realize they do it. The hard part is accepting that this is PTSD but how much DO you accept? She has started pointing it out to my brother... and with T I just cut the coversation short, say what I need, and say good-bye. He never out right apologizes... I don't know if that is o.k.? He does other things... like just now... text me to see how I'm doing today, explained he was having a busy one, but does his acknowledging of me to let me know he's there, thinking of me and keeping the communication lines open. But I'm learning how not to bother him tons unless it is super important and needs to be said. A lot rarer since the 'blow out'.

I'm rambling but I'm struggling with these pieces of the symptoms but wondering if it's overkill me waiting for them to change when some of it is just the behavioural dance. My boss never apologizes either... just tells me later "good job" or "thanks for getting that done" even if he originally yelled at me and it was something that he was responsible for doing. My brother does apologize. I don't think, depending on the outburst, my dad does. Sometimes it is like, "I'm crabby... I've warned you that I get this way sometimes and you just need to let me be" and if we ( I ) don't, then it's our fault and they don't need to apologize because we already had the blanket warning.

I guess I can be the same way sometimes, but I do try to apologize and take responsibility for my reactions/outbursts.

Anyhow... I appreciate the space to vent about this frustration within myself and the apologizing part. Talking it out helps me think/realize that most of my 'short string' right now and stress is my own and has nothing to do with what T (my sufferer) is doing. He's just doing his thing... I just need to keep doing mine and we'll meet at the end of the tunnel. Ten days apart and me hanging with my girlfriend in Alaska is going to be good for us... a good breather.

Inhale... Exhale... Inhale... Exhale...

Back to work :)

 

[May1321]

Today isn't exactly about my sufferer...

Sometimes, despite the severity of T's PTSD, I have to put my foot down with him when speaking about my brother's level of it. He's supportive, yet not fully understanding of why his symptoms are the way they are... in some respects not even realizing these similar ones about himself..

Something he does, for instance, is T doesn't think there is anything "wrong" with me and doesn't understand why I would seek therapy for myself. I simply explain that no matter what the reason, I have had some trouble handling my emotions and I've found that the therapy has been helpful through these last few months with the extra stress of what was going on in my life (I really try to leave him out of it), except to say - "And besides, it works out better for you in the long run, too, because there is less of a chance of me going 'psycho' on you :) ." and he says "ooooh" and leaves it alone.

The last two nights I've had the help of my sister-in-law and my brother with moving. They helped me individually so I got to hear both stories. I got to hear and I understand Hails pain and frustrations as we too are on the outside of my baby brother's bubble. T thinks my brother's lashing out and stabs is because he's overweight. Trying to explain that it is deeper rooted than that - like for instance the reason he IS overweight in the first place (went from a studly 180 to 260 the year he was in Iraq) is like trying to explain air.

Why do we have to compare PTSD? So maybe you are a 10 and he's a 6... who knows... the symptoms are the same. We understand this... just because your situation is one way and mine is the other... it doesn't make it greater or lesser because it is to each of us individually.

I just have to be extremely grateful we have come this far. I am extremely grateful for T. His efforts in wanting to be a better boyfriend for me, a better man for himself. But mostly for getting to this point for my brother. T's efforts in wrapping his arms around his PTSD and taking the process seriously - along with his just sheer knowledge of how the system works - and though it is not needed, wanting to be of assistance and approved by my family so taking my brother under his wing - even when he doesn't totally understand the severity or reasons my brothers PTSD is how it is, is something that is extremely special and I am extremely grateful.

Over the last 8 months, this door for my brother to take his baby steps through has been pushed open a little further to the point where last night, I heard his side of his communication in his marriage. He was upset because he (which knowing him well enough I assumed) had forgotten where his wife was going to be last night and she wasn't answering her phone but had no recollection of her telling him. He opened up to me about his insecurities, and his lashing out and temper, as well as his frustrations about how she "supports" him which makes him feel belittled because she says no to functions where she thinks he may have an anxiety attack. He's hardly opened up to me about this, but this last weekend, he was able to actually ask T about the VA and the process and T is going to take him and introduce him to who he needs to talk to and just be there for him this Friday.

I explained to my brother that right now, he needs to do this for him and eventually the wife piece will work it's way in. I was able to share with him my experiences as a supporter of how my steps in the dance have changed and explained that that is something Hails and I have talked about and she'll need to do more of the research for herself.

So it doesn't matter why or how or the severity of it... the symptoms are the same... the insecurity, the fear of being left behind (divorce) everything is the same. The temper, the short strings, the weight gain, the insomnia, the jumpiness in crowds, the depression and isolation... I have watched my brother go through all of these things and I have seen T do it too. I wonder if part of it is competetive, though, too. Because they are.

I'm just glad my boys are getting better, and I've been able to learn what I've learned and become a safer place for my brother to talk to me. I'm so grateful for the light that has shown the path and opened the doors of deeper understanding for myself and for my family. I'm grateful they have been able to learn from my experiences and yet, despite the down times, that I have become a better ME that I love that much more, a better example for those around me including T, and that in return this is inspiring T to be better and we are all seeming to come out beating this ugly thing with - though not always spoken of - but what I see as a joint effort.

 

[May1321]

ROAR! Just when you think you may have time to breathe...

Right now, I know I am emotional (PMS, I'm sure) stressed with my move and not having everything in place for when I return, my trip, leaving my job behind and not having everything up to par... Not having good coverage, fear T is going to freak out... yada yada yada!

And then he does it!!!! :mad:

So I'm writing here because it seems pointless to argue with him. Petty. But then crazy making.

With all of this going on, I'm extremely sensitive to his mood changes right now. And though my feelings are hurt... I feel at my witts end again... and I'm leaving for my vacation feeling like this... I'm starting to notice some very big patterns... you know, the ones you hope that your case is above and beyond especially after we've come this long way.

Now for starters, because I know I'm emotional, and he's making me feel crazy, I have opted without telling him (though I think he got the hint when I went down to grab my back pack and jacket that I've packed for my trip) to have my co-worker drive me to the airport. He's retaliating to me right now but still skirting the issue. Maybe my issue is small, but take some responsibility "DODO!".

Last night because I was leaving he wanted to make me a very special dinner. I'm on high stress right now from trying to get packed and everything but stopped in time to shower and put on a dress, grab my stuff for my trip and head up to his place by 7 like I told him I would. When I got there, he wasn't feeling well and wasn't sure now if he was hungry. Then he spent the entire dinner watching the t.v. vs. visiting with me. He ignored me most of the night till about midnight when I was asleep (crashing out because of the hard labor of moving/stress I'm guessing) and he started to bite at my ears. When I didn't really wake up, he decided he was going to go do some work cleaning this other building he owns vs doing it at 5:30 a.m. "so we could sleep in together".

I don't know what time it was when he got back but he started biting my ear again... then he buried me in pillows and laid on top of me telling me I wasn't allowed to go to Alaska... that he was going to refund my ticket right now if I'd stay. Telling me I wouldn't like it. Earlier he told me he was trying to make me fat so that no boys would like me while I was there. So I think I'm guessing where some of this is coming from.

This morning, when my alarm went off, I rolled over to give him kisses and he got mad at me.

Push and Pull. Push and Pull.

He was short with me running around his house trying to get ready for his family but then he'd bring up stuff how we are the "fad couple" right now that was apparently just talked about on the news show he was watching and how cool he thought that was.

We seemed o.k. but I could definitely tell he's stressed... peaking.

Well, this morning when I got to work, I got here early and was responding to my FB emails and noticed that one from him he was gone. This is our sensitive subject because he claims it is his hiding place so why we are not friends because he needs his place for escape. I can't see his page because we aren't friends, but it has definitely been our sensitive point in our relationship. So I was hurt when I realized he "blocked" me again. I asked him "why?" and he just started to play his stupid games. He tried telling me he did it because of his brother - took the whole page down - and when things slow down he'd fix it again. Well, I knew he was lying to me which doesn't help the issue since we've already solved this, I thought. I just told him I didn't "understand" and he started telling me I was "crazy".

My question is - "Why are you lying to me?" Things have been good and I've left it open for you to tell me you are being overwhelmed. I just don't get it. Him lying and making stuff up makes me feel like I'm going crazy. So is it him, or me?

I just told him that I understand this may have to do with PTSD but I couldn't even see anything so I don't know why the gesture... I just don't understand and I feel like he's sabotaging something that is really good between us and I don't see why he finds it so hard to be honest with me. And then I just told him to have a good week.

1 - he has picked fights with me everything he's left on long trips.
2 - the biting thing... funny thing I just realized this morning and I'm sorry if it sounds wierd but when I was unhappy in my relationships - or with myself, I remember instead of kissing my ex-husband's, or ex-boyfriend's cheeks, I would bite at them. T has done this twice now and the guy that is normally all about kisses, starts to bite and then pushes me away.
3 - he's sabotaging... being a pain... causing destruction and I don't get it.

I feel like I'm going crazy. So maybe I just am. I haven't screamed at him or anything. I've been ignoring him this morning since I told him to have a nice week and now he's being hurtful via text.