Sometimes

[ChasingMyTail]

I really want to contact the wife of my daughter's murder and ask her what it is like to be married to a baby killer?

I would like to flyer his church with details of what he did.

I want to ruin his life the way he destroyed mine.

I want him to know what it is like to live day in and day out as I do, missing the children he no longer has.

It really pisses me off that he has what I lost - a family, being able to watch his children grow up. It pisses me off that he is free to even have a family while I am stuck in a mental prison. It pisses me off that he only served 7 years for the crime he committed!

 

[LilBit]

You are not alone. My stepson was murdered in January at age 21. And one of the suspects in his case is an underage girl with a toddler. She gloated and ran her mouth a lot, said my stepson got what he deserved. His girlfriend was 3 months pregnant at the time of his death. People say we are not to rejoice in the misfortune of others. But I guess I am not very Godly. Because although I have mixed feelings, her little boy is a total innocent and I do pray it is what is best for him, I cannot say I did not rejoice in getting what I conceived of as "some" justice. She rejoiced in my stepson's death and coldly did not care that he would not be there at the birth of or to raise HIS son, so I really really wanted her to lose hers. And she did. Last week she lost custody to the child's father.

 

[ChasingMyTail]

Those who say we shouldn't rejoice have never traveled in our shoes or felt the pain we now live with. I hope she looses all rights to the child - and goes to jail for a long time.

 

[ChasingMyTail]

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts - really not an easy time for you and your family right now.

 

[LilBit]

Thank you. I don't even like to hear that word anymore: justice. There isn't any punishment of earth or eternity that could ever give me what I really want. The clock turned back and my boy back. To wake up and this nightmare never happened.
And you cannot talk about it with anyone really. Either they are family and friends going through their own battle or they just don't understand or care.

 

[ChasingMyTail]

I've been looking for that reset button for along time now. I think the harshest part of it all is hindsight - the would have could have should have and why didn't I???

Then there is the awkward feeling you have when people ask you about your children. After almost 20 years I haven't quite got the knack for answering it. Lord knows you heart just wants to talk about that wonderful child you can no longer hold.

 

[LilBit]

I can't even think about him much yet. And I will spare you further comments on that. The time surrounding a sudden death and the traumatic choices and dreadful places you have to be and things you must deal with...... I have a couple visuals I cannot ever shake. My sufferer says that we cannot entertain "what if's", it isn't productive and will make you crazy. (From the one with PTSD who says she is crazy!!) Oh yes, my sufferer said that back when she was speaking to me! I was never so glad that she wasn't in my life as I was in January, because her trauma stems from a murdered parent. Weird how bad you can want them back, but be so glad they aren't there because your tragedy would only refresh hers. If nothing else, if my sufferer never comes back into my life, having her in mine equipped me to deal and survive when my hour of trauma came.

 

[Lionheart]

I just wanted to say that I am the father of one child, a daughter who is about to turn 30 years old, and I could not even imagine the revenge I would want to extract if my child was murdered. I am sincerely and deeply sorry for your loss and your suffering. I hope that somehow you will find the peace and comfort that you so richly deserve to have!!!

I also want to say that I hope the As*hole gets a one way trip to the hell he deserves to suffer in!!!

I edited this post to add that I hope by saying these things that I haven't offended you in any way!!

 

[silkleaves]

In a way, I can relate. My father was killed by a drunk driver...he ran him over, put his car into reverse, and drove off. My dad did not make it to the hospital. I was only 2 at the time, but from what everyone says, my father adored me, loved me and I was a daddy's girl. I know..at least I am sure of it that he never would have allowed my mom to treat me the way she did, or for me to have the life I did growing up.

And when I think about it...him going home, hosing off his car, getting it repaired, going about his life with his family and kids and job and who knows what...to this day never having to deal with the devastation he caused.. I'm not one to wish bad on people, but that guy caused my life to go down a path that well, I just have my moments where I imagine and hope that his life was a living hell for what he did.

I can't being to imagine losing my daughter...that would be the end of me, without a doubt. I came very close, she was born with a heart defect that went undetected and nearly cost her her life, but I can't even imagine that sort of pain of someone taking her away from me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you have normal reactions....wanting to fight for your kids, to protect them, etc. read all the other stories on the forum about parents who don't give a flying f*** when something happens to their kid....now THAT is abnormal!

 

[LilBit]

To the original poster, that is where my sufferer stands in her experience. Knowing that the one who destroyed her life is out there. Knowing where he is now. Knowing that his life went on unscathed and hers did not. No one who has not experienced what we have will ever understand what that is like. What it feels like to deal with the court system, or worse yet, to have the court system inform you that there will likely never be any punishment for the perpetrators who took from us. When we have loss and it seems they do not. I do not have ptsd, but I definitely now have a taste of how my sufferer feels and all that made her the way she is. No one who has not been there understands the reality of when even your faith is confusion and cold comfort. Awful easy to talk about forgiveness when it is an abstract, most who deal with us don't deal with the reality or the loss. And all that talk about how time heals, NO it does not always, sometimes time just makes it worse. It's not wrong to feel the way you do. What matters now is how you choose to deal with it.

 

[sarafina]

What you and your family experienced is horrific. I can only identify with one small part of it; what you said about wanting to contact the wife of your daughter's murderer. I am so sorry you lost your daughter this way.

Several years ago my daughter was sexually abused by a former boyfriend. I did not see the signs. I left him for other reasons and it was after this that she felt safe enough to tell a teacher. Now he is with another woman. I see him in my neighbourhood sometimes and when he is with his girlfriend I am tempted to ask her if she enjoys having sex with a pedophile. I wonder how much she knows as he was a psychopathic liar as well.

I can not say whether contacting someone is a good or bad idea but you might want to check to see what is legal so you do not get yourself into more trouble. My ex never had to go to jail as he was diagnosed as mentally ill. He also faked being blind for awhile, said he had a brain tumour. I have to believe that a Higher Authority will deal with him and not obsess about the injustice. I hope that God as you understand God will punish the man who killed your daughter and soon. The church leadership could be told about what happened before you post flyers. I think they would want to know if there is someone in their church who is a potential threat to children.

I agree that 7 years in prison was not enough. If he had killed a man 20 years older than your daughter he would do a lot more time - why is it that children are not valued. It is so wrong!!