Somewhere Between Psychotic And Iconic...

[blue_velvet]

I have a story to share...which is within a story I can hope to share. This isn't fun, but I am hoping that someone knocks sense into me...and soon. I was once a dream; something that I could be proud of. I was extraordinary. Between then and now, I have lost myself.

I am 26. I have post-traumatic stress disorder and dysthymia.

At 21, the man I was in love with at the time, during our first sexually-intimate encounter, put on a condom, and tried to break my hymen. He succeeded. We did not have sex after the fact. We were making out and when he put the condom on, I did not know what to do. I asked him if we were ready...essentially giving him the choice.

At 23, I was raped while intoxicated by my uncle. He is a step-family member and I do not recall much. The following morning, when I announced that I was going shopping with my boyfriend, my uncle sent a text to me that I should rest instead because I needed it. I have not spoken to him since, despite having to see him at family functions.

At 24, I was raped while heavily intoxicated at a family function by my cousin; the son of my first rapist. This was more traumatizing, as I felt that somehow, maybe fate had destined this type of pain for me. I did not report either rapes. I was ashamed for drinking; which at the time I only did around family. I immediately went to therapy for 20 months, which changed my life, in several senses. I did not want to die, I did not feel any guilt or shame regarding the rapes. While I was triggered a lot the first six months, and once or twice after, I managed really well. I am currently not medicated, I use talk therapy as my sole form of treatment. My adoptive father does not know about any of this. I do not want to tear apart his family.

Prior the rapes, my sexual interests, exploits, experiences and views were all fairly modest. All of my sexual experiences were expressions of my spirituality and something I valued highly.

Since January 2013, I have had a minimum of 8 sexual partners. I have no soul. I do not know why I am doing this, as I am sure I had just as much opportunity prior to my rapes. I just feel that maybe by saying yes, I don't have to ever be put in the situation where I will need to say no again; that I will never have to scream silently, that I will never have to be in fear again. I do not know, but I do want help. I have more to share, if anyone is ever listening. Any comments or suggestions are welcome.

 

[jd9900]

You have a soul. Rather, I like to believe I have a soul, otherwise I wouldn't have regrets. It says a lot, I think, about a person's character.

 

[ill]

I can only imagine how enormously painful it is to have to encounter two family members who so terribly betrayed you whenever you want to celebrate a special occasion with your family. That's so awful. You deserve to be able to be comfortable, relaxed and joyous around your family. I am so sorry.

If you were to tell your adoptive father, even if it tore apart the family, it wouldn't be your fault. Your uncle and your cousin tore apart their family. And that part is done - there's no undoing what they did, even if it no one knows. If you ever do tell your father, I hope that you know that whatever happens, it's not your fault. They failed you, they failed your family, you didn't fail.

You most certainly do have a soul, and you are still an extraordinary person, and a dream. It doesn't feel like it now, I know, but you are still all the good things you ever were. It's just harder to see and feel those things because you're trying to cope with some really big, really hard, really painful trauma.

There's nothing wrong with having sex and there's nothing wrong with having 8 sexual partners but it sounds like the sex you're having is still not sex you actually want to be having. I definitely understand the never wanting to be put in the position of saying no and not having it listened to and respected again, but it's still not sex that you are saying yes to, that you are having because you want to be having sex. When you were raped, your no wasn't listened to. Your boundaries and person weren't respected the way they should have been, especially by people who are supposed to love and care for you. That is a terrible, painful thing I know all too well. It is absolutely not your fault. But you can't amend the past by swallowing all your future nos. Your boundaries matter! Your yeses and your nos matter. It hurts when your boundaries are violated, but that doesn't mean that if you stop having or trying to enforce your boundaries, you'll stop being hurt - it'll just hurt differently, and in some ways, perhaps even more. You need to learn that it's okay to have boundaries, to have your boundaries, whatever they may be.

 

[Everhopeful]

Blue Velvet, my heart goes out to you and your losses suffered and deep pain of being so betrayed. You are nobody's sex toy and you do not have to submit to anyone with whom you don't want to share your body. You do not have to submit to anything that breaks you down at the hands of another. You matter and you have a soul that is still pure no matter what has happened to you. You do not have to remain silent, perpetrators make people they victimise and abuse feel that it is their shameful fault. This is so wrong. Nobody asks to be violated and abused, and especially in the family setting, we are supposed to be able to feel safe and protected. You do not have to carry a burden of guilt and shame around with you, you did not wish any of this upon yourself.