Sorting out perception

[LoveTea]

So, I’ve been having a lot of trouble interacting with the world. It’s hard to gauge because anytime I say something people just say that I’m reading into something too much or blowing it out of proportion. I can’t quite wrap my head around what is real and what I am blowing out of proportion.

This is particularly true when it comes to my interactions with other people. I constantly think that the people around me don’t actually want me around, and provide evidence to back that up. I know (but don’t necessarily believe) that this isn’t true in most cases, but it is so hard to over look. Most of my friends are from work and I see so many of them hanging out outside of work—lots of little things like going out for coffee or thrifting. They will tell me I am important or helpful, but I feel like I’m not being treated like everyone else. I have tried to bring this up to a couple people, but they make it out to sound like I am entirely making it up, which is hard because they are being included and I feel like they can’t possibly understand.

I guess it is an impossible question to answer, but how do I gauge what is real, and what I am bundling into negativity? People around me make it seem so back and white, that it is entirely in my own mind. I understand that some of it is, but I don’t think all of it is, I just don’t know how to navigate that.

 

[The Albatross]

Discounting the positive is a real cognitive deal... though you also minimize your relations (just from work).

 

[Justmehere]

You are pretty clear that others tell you that you are important to them, and that they are even frustrated you don't believe that's what they thinks You appear to be trying to do something that many people try to do: read others minds. (I've done it so no judgement here.) It's not really being fair to them to tell others what they think. Let them own their own minds. It's up to them.

It's ok to ask what others think, but when thy tell you what what they think, to argue back that's not what they think... well, I don't see how that would get anyone anywhere.

Instead of trying to crawl into their heads, focus on what YOU think. What you feel.

Can you identify a specific (the more specific the better) way *you* would like people to *act* differently?

If so, I'd suggesting telling them "when you do (specific thing they do), I feel..." Then request what you would like to have happen differently.

That might help you feel more included and not treated as differently -- and for others to know how they can better help you know you are important to them.

 

[LoveTea]

A lot of it is that I get left out of things. I get that people get left out of the loop from time to time, but for the amount of time that I spend there. A lot of people get invited to do things outside of work an I never do. It seems like one of my supervisors only talks to me when I’m having PTSD symptoms (which they are really good about handling) and I’m not sure how to handle any of it. I by no means want to force people to talk to me, if they want to be around me they would at least somewhat initiate some sort of contact. My best friend keeps telling me that it’s not true, but she isn’t around that much and she is close to the people who I don’t think are interacting with me. I’m just confused I know that I am somewhat blowing it up in my mind, but I feel like if I talk to anyone about it, their changes wouldn’t be genuine, that it is because they have to, not because they want to interact with me.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the wonderful world of hypervigilance! .....not to be confused with paranoia.... The difference? Hypervigilant people are aware of their hypervigilance. Paranoid people are not aware of their paranoia. The distinction between the two is important-----don't listen to anyone who tells you that you're paranoid. You're not!

If you're like me it sounds like you're picking up on anything and everything that could possibly be construed as negative behavior and internalizing these actions to be a direct reflection of you. My therapist is having me battle these assumptions by forming no conclusions until after I have proof, mainly in the form of verbal confirmation. Of course I'm not asking everyone if they're mad at me or if they hate me, it's more a matter of checking in and seeing if they are having a bad day, etc to see if the behavior can be attributed to something else.

 

[LoveTea]

@EveHarrington thanks, super helpful. My T is great, but we havn’t really gotten to the cognitive distortions yet. Right now, she is trying to help me deal with the feelings associated with it (I bottle things up and make everything worse) and she says will will come back to sorting out what is going on in reality.

 

[Beans]

This may completely not apply to your situation, so feel free to ignore if it doesn't.

Do you initiate conversation or invite pple out or mostly wait for them to come to you? Have you turned invitations down before? Others also think we don't have interest in them or desire to deepen the friendship when we don't initiate conversation or extend invitations to them. Would others think you're interested in pursuing their friendship outside of work by your actions? Often in our hypervigilance and anxiety, we forget that we have a part to play. We have to put ourselves out there and take the risk of extending our friendship. You have to be a friend to make a friend- friends initiate convo and ask pple out.

Sorry if this doesn't necessarily apply to you, it's just something that's very relevant in my recovery right now. My actions (or lack thereof) and waiting on others to initiate first most of the time has really stunted my social life. Pple don't think I'm that interested in them even though I'm friendly and have nice enough convo with them. I don't initiate, i don't invite, i turn down invites lol and I wonder why I feel not apart of the group. I'm learning to be proactive and act on my desire to make or deepen friendships rather than being passive and mostly waiting for others to come to me. Hope this helps a bit.

 

[LoveTea]

Totally is relevant, I do have trouble initiating anything with anyone, but some people know that (since they know about some my PTSD stuff, even if they don’t know about my diagnosis). I basically always say yes when someone else initiates, or I will offer an alternative. I think where is particularly hard is with my supervisor at work, who is good friends with a bunch of us, and she is always the one to initiate things with other students, including many things with my best friend and many other people have mentioned going to do something with her at least once. I have been working here for more than 2 years now (it is affiliated with my school and is only supposed to be a few hours a week) and I am around all the time, more than anyother student. But I still hear about freshmen who have gone out for coffee and my best friends is now friends with her friends outside of work, but no one seems to recognize that I have never seen her outside of work and it feels like everyone else has.