Spaces In Memories

[Alaska_Fears]

I'm pretty sure the majority, if not all, PTSD sufferers have huge parts of specific trauma missing from their memory. Like you only remember part of what happened - not before, not after. Or maybe you can't remember everything that happened during the event(s).

I hate this so much. I have so many unanswered questions and these blank spaces in the memories have answers - I know they do. I just can't reach them.

Sure, I know that if I remembered more, the flashbacks would probably be much worse. But at the same time I have this longing to know what happened in those spaces I can't remember.

Just needed to get that out there - I can't be the only one.

 

[Abstract]

You are very far from alone. Some things I remember almost nothing about. And I have big gaps in my life.

 

[Leah123]

I've been on a witch hunt lately for past memories. I got so very uncomfortable with blanks I started trying to document every last moment of my past that I could. Calling old therapists for case files, calling my state's district attorney for the police reports/documents on my child welfare investigation, rereading journals I hadn't looked at in probably more than a decade, etc. And yes, examining my memories with a fine tooth comb.

I realized, after a while of this frantic activity, that the past is not a narrative in the same way that a newspaper is. Not for me as a trauma survivor, and not for anyone. That I could never fill in all the blanks and I needed to trust what I did have and my own emotions to guide me. My therapist tried to explain to me that pushing at the unconscious isn't the way to recover more memories, that it's when we stop, maybe something will arise eventually.... or not. She tried to tell me I don't need them all to be whole.

The past is more like poetry in a way- a mix of memory, emotion, interpretation, that's an idea that's been giving me more peace lately.

It is very hard to have those blanks though. Very very hard. I definitely go back and forth about how comfortable I can be with my life knowing that important things aren't easily accessible or clear. You're definitely not alone in it!

 

[therisa]

I know, there are holes, in my memory bank, and honestly, I don't feel the need to know every single detail of the abuse, i have suffered, in my life. Rather, I wish I could erase, some of my more brutal memories that I have relived, through flashbacks. Especally, those that involve a family member's physical and emotional abuse, of me.

 

[.Bubbles.]

Well done on starting your diary :)

You are not alone,I can relate. It is very frustrating to say the least.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Congratulations on starting your diary. :)

 

[Wounded-Healing]

Well, dang. No way do I want to start a trauma diary. I am the expert at refusing to look at the past and just keep moving forward. And don't worry, I know that is a super bad way to deal with life in general and trauma in particular. Just today my therapist asked me to remember times in the last five years when my anxiety was really high. I just started laughing! I can barely remember back a week without working really really hard at it. In my intro I mentioned fifteen years of selective amnesia, but I have realized that I'm still doing t unconsciously. My therapist reduced the time frame to one year and I was able to remember one night that was so bad that my blood vessels literally opened up and I bled out in small circles all over my body under my skin from below my knees to my chest. That kind of thing does lodge itself in yor memory.

I don't know what to make of the memory blanks that don't relate to my childhood home. I have people say to me, "Remember in high school when ..." And I DON'T! Or, "remember so-and-so in college ..." and I won't have any idea who they mean. It's a small thing, but when a oretty serious boyfriend broke up with me when I was fifteen, I was devastated. But I cannot remember one single thing about the break up. Not ONE thing! Most of the time I brush these gaps off, that's y specialty after all, but if I let myself think about it, it really ... makes me mad? Makes me feel like I'm weird? Scares me? Frustrates me? I don't know how it makes me feel other than, you know, bad. But I do ne'er stand what you're saying, Alaska. I guess these gaps just go with the territory of PTSD? Is it our subconscience still trying to protect us?

I think your therapist is giving you good advice on your memories not being what defines you and that you don't really get results by prodding your subconscience, Leah.

 

[Abstract]

memory blanks

Relate to almost all that you said Wounded healing.

I didn't realise this was a diary! Normally avoid them. Good for you for starting Alaska. :tup:

 

[Marie10]

I can relate and am ashamed to say this but I was in State Jail (TX) for 9 months. I hope I will not be judged too much. I wanted to share this because I cannot remember eating, showering and most things from being incarcerated. I know I was not hurt but I have a huge blank space with this.

I cannot remember many things in high school and so much. I have to ask my mom or old friends.

I've become okay with not remembering, I see a therapist and just for me I've come to some peace of not knowing.

 

[twopenny]

I have huge chunks missing, or blurred.

I've only just been told I have PTSD, and am in a waiting list for therapy, but it's been so long for me like that that I just thought it was normal. Or "normal". In the same way that I thought everybody got beaten behind closed doors, when I was a kid.

I'm different than you though - one of the things that really scares me about therapy is the idea of bringing stuff out that my brain has hidden for a reason... I genuinely don't think I want to know about some of it - that it's better left where it is, unless that's actively harming me. But we'll see.

 

[Jagged Angel]

I have thought long and hard about the blanks. Some blanks have filled with memories, but most are still...blank. I have come to realise that these memories are hidden for a reason - I can't manage them. I have had to learn to exist with the blanks, and when they begin to fill, to deal with them.

Of course, there have been some blanks filled that I ended up wishing they had stayed blank.

 

[AngrySky]

@Alaska_Fears - I feel the same as you. Maybe it is because I am almost 40 and I am still screwing up my life for things I cant remember. I have always been a problem solver. The one the fam,ily goes to when the going gets tough. Maybe that is why I feel like these blanks (minare are for years at a time with a few sprinkled in here and there, some good, some vicious) hold the key to letting go. How can you let go when you dont know what you are holding on to. I feel like at least I will know what demons I am fighting instead of stabbing in the dark at shadows.

Just wanted you to know that you arent alone with the search.