Speed (of) Dating And The Disclosure Of Ptsd

[bell]

I know that there's a similar thread on here about dating and the disclosure of self harm, but I was wondering about dating and the disclosure of PTSD?

Since I've had PTSD since I was too young to remember not having it, I dealt with symptoms like avoidance, hypervigilance, panic, anxiety, depression, etc. heavily for most of my life. And since I was about 20 or so, I present fairly normal, except when it comes to dating. When it comes to dating, I am a total mess.

In short, dating makes me feel like a bear is chasing me. The speed of it. The one relationship I did manage to sort of half have was with someone with deep depression (possibly PTSD), who withdrew from me. The only reason I was able to see him repeatedly was because he would withdraw after a date and I would freak out... by the time we were ready to see each other again, we had both worked through our stuff.

I freak out not only because of getting closer to someone, but because thanks to a crappy assault, anything past making out literally puts me into a dissociative fight mode. So, the anticipation of being rejected because of this makes me not even want to go out a second or third time or not at all. And knowing that it will happen at all means that I will eventually have to disclose what is going on, which is so embarrassing and humiliating. Hot, I know.

That being said, "normal" dating, i.e., starting and seeing someone on a regular basis is too quick for me! Foiled! But I am trying again now that I've had more therapy and am still in therapy, keeping my fingers crossed. I'm just worried because it's the speed of dating that freaks me out the most... I need a good amount of time after a date before I can go on one again... I fear such freaking out makes me, um, a freakshow.

So my question here is, are you able to date at a regular speed? If not, how did you tell the other person you needed time, so to speak? And for those sufferers in a relationship, when did you disclose that you had PTSD? (For any supporters reading this, if someone is withdrawing from you and they have PTSD, chances are high -if they're not a jerk- that it has nothing to do with you, it's just that they're terrified.)

 

[Kintsugi]

Hi Bell,

I've had to deal with PTSD since an essentially non-sentient age as well, though I think when it comes to dating I'm a bit different. My first relationship was abusive, so it taught me a lot of bad habits, and I tend to swing either from "Oh my god I'm all in I'm in love with you immediately let's spend all the time together" to "Eh, hi, we're not really gonna date. I like you and if you like me, you have to understand I'm making zero commitment to you and we can just see what happens."

I have to say, neither of these are super effective. However, I do feel that the statement of no commitments has helped to empower me in relationships in the sense that I put forth immediately that I would not always be there, and in return, I wouldn't expect the counterpart to be there. Being single and "seeing" someone is kind of nice because you have a lot of control over your time and speed. That said, they have to like you enough to accept and respect that deal.

As for disclosure, I'm fairly open about my PTSD if I like someone and want them to know me. BUT for me, it has a lot to do with if I know the person has some kind of diagnosis, difficult past, or is very open to such experiences. I've never felt totally comfortable with anyone who wasn't versed in crazy. Even my best friend, who I've known for about eight years, still makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes by being so stable and having such a "normal" experience, even though he's known for a really really long time about my history and diagnosis. With such individuals, I try to be really compassionate toward their non-experience of symptomatic behavior and trauma. I put things the way I might put them if I were participating in an open speaking event about abuse, I guess.

I don't know if this helps. You go girl!

 

[bell]

I've never felt totally comfortable with anyone who wasn't versed in crazy

Thank you for your lovely response, @MissAntiSunshine! This sentence both really resonated with me *and* made me giggle!

I need someone who is "versed in crazy," too! Not just because they might have a better understanding of me, but also because I seriously think it makes people stronger and better in some ways. There's something about that sense of compassion that really sparks something in me, not just because I think that they might want to get to know me despite my shortcomings, but also because they are aware that life isn't perfect and people are complicated... and that that's okay (instead of something to run from).

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It seems that anymore, guys want to jump into a physical relationship, and/or commitment without the casual dating (non-exclusivity). I can't handle that. I want a period of time where there is no commitment, no pressure for sex, no expectation beyond "hey, let's just go out and have a good time getting to know each other."

Maybe I'm old fashioned. I like having relationships that progress sequentially and at a reasonable and respectable speed. I HATE my habit of falling into undefined relationships of a long duration. I think the guys think there is a more serious level of emotion and unspoken commitment, but in my mind, we're just friends and I can do whatever I want. I know that may sound callous, but if a guy can't even verbalize his relationship desires to me, then I won't take things to the next level. I really need to figure out how to break this pattern...

 

[stuff]

I live in a city that has a bad track record of having way more women than men and because of that the men here don't really date because they don't have to.

Because I have to disclose my ptsd before sleeping with someone and i sometimes dissociate or react intensely to triggers I've mostly stopped even thinking about it. I dont feel comfortable disclosing that with someone who is unlikely to even take the time to be my friend afterward. I tried sort of dating for a bit. It was awful and overwhelming and once disclosed I stopped being treated like someone of interest. It's hard to live in a city where people only sleep together casually.

I would love to have a relationship where I could ease into something slowly and get treated like a person instead of a momentary distraction but that likely won't happen as long as I continue to live here.

It's disheartening even for my friends who aren't dealing with mental health issues.

I did manage to have a relationship with a man for a few months this year but when I started to struggle with symptoms he told me he didn't sign up for ptsd, in spite of my being entirely open and honest about it, and wouldn't respect my boundaries, so I had to end it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear Bell, wish I had something useful to add but I think you must just be yourself. As for me, as stuff said above I can't go out even casually once and not get pressured to sleep with them that night. I don't have the 'comfortableness in my own skin' you describe, but I absolutely 101% surely would never disclose irregardless, to someone I don't know well, no matter what context, and despite how I may act. I would go slowly but not limit yourself, and do what feels right for you.

Best wishes! :hug:

 

[piratelady]

I think it's a matter of finding the right person and also being able to communicate with them. Perhaps if you go one one date, and both of you decide to go on a second date, you can simply choose a date that best suits you. If you continue to see someone and feel comfortable with them, it might be good to have the hard conversation and tell them you have PTSD and need to take things more slowly. If they can't understand and accommodate that, it's a good thing to know earlier on.

When I first started dating again earlier this year, the first person I saw triggered me really badly. It turns out they were not a good person for me and I eventually moved on. I'm seeing someone now and they don't trigger my anxiety much at all. I think he did once in the beginning, but it wasn't too bad. Anyway, our physical relationship progressed a little more slowly and I think that helped a lot in terms of my PTSD.

I still haven't told him about my PTSD, but I have tried. It's just such a difficult conversation to have.

 

[bell]

Thanks for your responses!

I want a period of time where there is no commitment, no pressure for sex, no expectation beyond "hey, let's just go out and have a good time getting to know each other."

Me, too! Can we go back to the 50s, please? Maybe then people would stop trying to paw me at the first opportunity. :) I, too, have been guilty of falling into the "undefined" category. Although, for me, that has always ended up in heartbreak. Maybe I should take some lessons from you and just "do whatever I want?' ;)

Because I have to disclose my ptsd before sleeping with someone and i sometimes dissociate or react intensely to triggers I've mostly stopped even thinking about it.

Yeah, most of the time, I just don't even want to deal with explaining it or with going through the anxiety that I get thinking about it. And since I disassociate so soon in things, I just want to say 'forget it,' before I even start.

do what feels right for you

Yep, I know that that's what I need to do, but it's just that "feeling" in and of itself is still a new thing! Which brings its own weirdness to the dating debacle!

 

[bell]

@piratelady You're right, it all depends on the person and whether they trigger you! (Thanks for that reminder!) And I'm happy to hear that you found someone... Actually, I believe it may have been you who started the self harm post? (I have done it in the past, and have yet to come up with a good solution, except avoid dating at all, unfortunately!)

Yeah, admitting the whole PTSD thing is a bear, really. I haven't had to do it at all, because I was diagnosed a year ago and haven't dated since then. Before, I didn't know what the heck was wrong with me, only that a) something was wrong and b) I didn't know anyone like me! Now that I actually "have" something (instead of just being a weirdo), I feel equally relieved (because I can tell them what I have) and bothered (because there is something wrong with me, per se). May we both have the strength to tell our truths, and the people that we date have the strength to see the real us behind them.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I did manage to have a relationship with a man for a few months this year but when I started to struggle with symptoms he told me he didn't sign up for ptsd, in spite of my being entirely open and honest about it, and wouldn't respect my boundaries, so I had to end it.

Ok so I know this is going to sound wretched, but when I hear things like this, a part of me secretly hopes that when (notice i said "when" not "if"!) they are sick, down on their luck, whatever, that people abandon them. "Oh, you have cancer? I didn't sign up for cancer!" But really, nobody deserves that type of abandonment. And the sad thing is, that the abandonment happens with all sorts of disorders, cancer included. We just don't hear about it because the media is flooded with things such as rah-rah enthusiasm for things like breast cancer and such while ignoring the reality that people hate getting involved on a more personal level, something more than simply throwing money at a cause.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@bell

Yes, let's go back to the 50's! Honestly, I think I am part of the problem. I end up giving in to sexual advances (kissing, etc) and so the guy has no incentive to move forward. He thinks "oh, gee, I can get this girl to give me what I want physically and we don't have to officially be anything!" (Does this make sense?

I see it as a boundary issue. I need to set better boundaries of what I will and will not accept. I need to set up my own timeline and stick to it. Don't put myself out there until I know the guys intentions. Don't get involved sexually without a commitment.

I don't want the casual stuff. It's not fulfilling. And I don't mean that in the sleeping around sense. I've known this guy for over three years and while neither of us has been involved with anyone else, there's nothing serious between us. I hate it, but I haven't been able to fully let it go.

 

[piratelady]

I feel equally relieved (because I can tell them what I have) and bothered (because there is something wrong with me, per se).

Maybe an easier way to go wouldn't be to tell him that you have PTSD necessarily, but to simply state ___ makes you feel anxious or something like that. I think the important thing is to communicate and if something makes you feel uncomfortable, then to speak up. How they react to that will speak volumes in my opinion.