Gizmo - love that you started this thread.
I was a really devout Christian for about 15 years. I became a christian after dealing with some spiritual weirdness. I was scared of the shadows and the darkness that seemed to follow me wherever I went and everyone told me Jesus would protect me. At one point I had joined a smaller Baptist church with a close friend who's family was well-established there and encouraged me to do so. This was many years before I was diagnosed as Bipolar II and C-PTSD. My moods were all over the place and I was very overweight.
In the mid 1990's I went through 2 'exorcisms' and eventually labeled as a "problem" and the entire church except for my friend turned their backs on me. They swore that I "manifested" demonically during one of these exorcisms but my therapist said I probably dissociated under all the scrutiny and spiritual pressure. They felt there were demonic influences in my life and I was bringing them into the church. No one would talk to me, acknowledge my existance or look me in the eye when I went to church. They would look past or through me.
My friend's parents encouraged her to cut the friendship but she didn't, thankfully. It was truly horrible. The rejection was so, so hurtful. I didn't stay at that church and thankfully graduated college and moved to another city where I joined another church that rapidly grew to be a mega-church. I never really felt like I belonged, but felt there was something terribly wrong and dark inside of me and I was hoping religion could heal or fix it. I eventually stopped going to that church too. Too many fake people 'playing christian'. The plastic smiles got on my nerves. No one seemed real.
Fast forward to 2011, shortly after I had been diagnosed with PTSD by a useless psychiatrist who threw the diagnosis at me and pushed me out the door, seeing me only once every 2 weeks for 20 minutes for medication assessment. He never educated me on what PTSD was or what might help or how to deal with the screaming storm in my mind. He never even advocated for therapy. He just gave me pill options. Needless to say, I eventually wrote a letter and fired him
But there was a time before I found a therapist when I was sinking. I was dissociating and losing large chunks of time and so depressed I couldn't get up or function. I was on medical disability which I still feel terribly ashamed of. Over a period of many months I cried out to god. I prayed and cried. At first I asked for help and then later I just wanted to know if he (god) was there. I remember being on my knees in my bedroom crying my heart out and calling out to god. I would do the same in the shower. There was nothing but a big, cold emptiness. No answer, no sense of nearness or anything.
I prayed over and over and over again over many, many months. I wasn't asking for much, just comfort in my pain. I didn't expect healing or a miracle. And slowly things got worse. The loss of time worsened and at times I'm sure I was close to some kind of catatonia because I would lie and stare at the wall or ceiling for hours on end and endure the endless howling and screaming of my mind and my brain trying to die.
I was dangerously suicidal at that time too. I had a plan and every morning I would go and check on the 2 bottles of pills I had (1 bottle of percocet and 1 bottle of potassium pills). I would tell myself that I would try to get through the day and if it became too much, I had the option to die. This went on for 3 months.
During this time, I spoke with some 'Christian' friends who wanted to meet with me to provide encouragement and what they said pretty much pushed me right out of christianity into athiesm and/or agnosticism. My 'friends' told me the reason I hadn't heard from god was that it was entirely my fault. I was apparently building walls and was keeping god out. I wasn't letting god in or allowing him to help me.
They went on to tell me that my faith basically sucked and that was why god was not manifesting in my life. There was more said in the conversation, but it basically revolved around how things were my fault because god is perfect. By the end of the conversation I was in such deep despair I didn't know what to do. What was the point of even praying for help? I was extremely vulnerable and these so-called christians almost destroyed me with their self-righteous attitude.
I'm so thoroughly sick of fake people who 'play church' on sundays but won't hesitate to swindle, steal and demean others on the other 6 days of the week. Religion has no place in my life anymore. My belief in a god of any kind died but I'm slowly leaning toward a more spiritual atunement and being aware of energy and healing, accupuncture, reiki and so on - all the stuff that christians decry as demonic. My mind has become so open and accepting to so many spiritual options out there without the 'this is evil' christian judement hanging over me. I feel more spiritually free, although I still struggle a lot.
It's become my answer in a world where I was on my bedroom floor asking god why I should stay alive and there was no answer. I don't pray or ask anything of any higher being. On the contrary, I often think if there's any being out there, it's out to get me or take joy in my struggles.
I found a wonderful therapist a bit later in 2011 and through hardwork on my part and no prayer or celestial intervention, I'm slowly getting better. I didn't need a god, I just needed love and support and a great therapist.
