Spouses Priorities Vs My Priorities

[Aprooster74]

BACKSTORY:
When I came home from Iraq for the final time my wife felt it was a better idea to leave rather than help. During the next five years I pulled double duty: dealing with trying to become a civilian while keeping soldier me under-raps, and at the same time taking care of my wife from a distance (popping in now and again when she was really in trouble. Then disappearing again).

PRESENT DAY:
My wife and I are back together. She has come to terms that I am different and we are mending fences. We have a house now and like every other American family have bills everywhere :-) I am in control of the finances and they do fine until.....

THE PROBLEM:
Finances for anyone are a Domino Affect. Pay the bills when they need to be paid and the domino's continue to stand and there is no living paycheck to paycheck. Miss one bill (even that little $50 one) and the dominoes fall because now that bill has to be paid somehow, which means something else has to be sacrificed to get back on track. Every once and awhile I get into a pinch where I cannot make the payment, so I ask my wife to do it and every time I have done this she blows it off. I say that because when I ask her why? The number one answer is 'I fogot.' My immediate reaction is extreme anger, and it takes everything I have to control it. I will never hit, hurt, harm, or create fear in my wife. I did that ONCE and it will never happen again. But, I am trying to take care of home and cannot rely on her to do one thing. Why????

 

[Friday]

If I'm earning... I have an accountant.

Because I'm crap at paying bills. That simple. Not everyone is good at everything. I can figure out engines, and budgets, and a whole lotta stuff. Some things I rock at, others I can muddle my way through. But bills are one (of many things) I'm crap at. Their fees have always been more than covered in saving me late fees, overdraft fees, sacrificing one thing for another. But the stress reduction alone would be worth it.

Sounds like her eyes are bigger than her stomach, if she's wanting/agreeing to do something she's bad at. That or very brave to keep trying even though she fails time and again.

 

[Aprooster74]

I am he accountant, and I track everything except her. :-)

 

[Spock]

With PTSD I figured out what pushed me toward anger and then built plans to avoid it or coped with it. So, if I was you I'd avoid by not asking my wife to pay any bill at during this time or I'd expect her to not do it and then be prepared to handle it another way. Getting angry is already too easy with PTSD, it is THE fall back position. Frankly, to get angry again because she says "I forgot" would be on me not my wife. Avoid the situation. Otherwise, you need to be proactive and decide to help train her, teach her to follow through with step-by-step patient guidance to ensure it happens, likely a few times, BEFORE you start to "expect" a different outcome. Before you expose yourself to a potential issue that could trigger "extreme" anger.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Sounds like your wife is avoiding the realities of daily living. You have plenty on your plate dealing with everyday pressures that are seriously complicated by post traumatic stress. DON'T TAKE ON MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE!!!!!!

As Spock pointed out, avoid the triggers and limit the cause of the anger. It's not up to you to show your wife the way. That's her responsibility. You can let her know about an issue, but then learn to let it go.

SD

 

[Aprooster74]

Mr. Spock and Mr. Sleeping Dragon. I completely understand where both of you are coming from. However, both of you are asking me to act as an individual and adapt life to my disability. PTSD is not my disability. It is the price I have paid to be called a Combat Veteran. It is not something that anybody else can understand but those who have paid the same price. When I was over there I placed my life on the line with NO REGRET and NO SECOND THOUGHTS, because I was capable of doing that and come home without doubt, regret or second thought.
What I have learned is that my sacrifice is an UNKNOWN to those whom I protected. I can never tell my wife what went on over there and expect here to accept as she did before the deployment. Yet, I can try and adapt my new truth to fit her truth. Why? Love has no boundaries. It was heart that mad it possible for me to survive combat, can I not redirect that and compromise???

 

[Sludge]

I had similar issues with my wife. Used to be we were putting everything in joint checking to pay the bills. Then I quickly discovered, that even working 90 hours a week, I was broke. Couldn't get coffee on the way to work. Couldn't fill the gas tank. Had to ask if it was OK to grab twenty bucks to go throw darts at the pub.

This went on for years, and frankly, I was too busy working and trying to sleep to care.

That is when I found out why we were always broke. She was paying off her ex-husbands credit card bills to the tune of twenty grand. If I wanted operating funds, I had to beat the bank auto pays she had set up.

Needless to say I was an asshole for months after breaching the subject...

So a few years went by and things got better. I kept close tabs on the account without her knowledge. The kids had moved out for college on full scholarships. I was making very good money, about 2 grand a week plus my VA and GI Bill. And yet were were f*cking broke all the time.

Discovered that she had been giving our daughter close to 500 a week, even though the kid's books, tuition and class fees are paid in full by the scholarships and the kid works a full time job and a part time job...

So instead of being forced to be an asshole for months again for asking valid questions, I just opened up my own accounts and moved all my direct deposit income to them.

A week later the girl calls asking for money. I told her "NO". Learn to live within your means.
She cried to the wife, and I am still the asshole. (Note my son never got a single penny, and in fact moved back in with us because he was starving out and was too proud to ask for help until it was too late...)

Needless to say, I require the wife to ask me for my part of the bills cash and she must show the actual bills before I transfer funds to the joint account.

I suddenly can afford stuff again...

Moral of the story- Never share an account with anyone. Ever. Period.

 

[Grizzly]

I learned the very similar mistake as you Sludge.

I now have split accounts. I like to call it my "slush" fund.

 

[Raven]

Just to provide some more context, where do her priorities seem to be?

Also, automatic billing is a wonderful thing if you tend to be absent-minded.

 

[Aprooster74]

her context is that of a civilian. As a soldier we were trained to sacrifice ourselves for others first. We never thought about self. My wife has had absolutely no exposure to military in her life until she met me, so bills are a low priority. The ideology being, "I will pay them when I can." Where my reality is I need home to be safe and that comes first, because without home how can I do anything else?