Started Dating Again -- When And How Do I Share That I Have Ptsd?

[yofieli]

Hi all,

I've recently started dating again after getting out of an extremely abusive relationship a year ago that left me with PTSD. I really like her--we've been on four dates so far. I don't know how it will turn out, but hopefully things continue.

But if things do continue, I feel like at some point I will have to "come out" about my PTSD. I have it pretty under control, but there might be a time where something comes up and I need to set boundaries, or explain what's going on if I get triggered. The problem is, I'm not sure when or how to bring this up. I understand that four dates is a bit early, and I don't plan on bringing it up unless we officially become in a relationship. I still struggle with a lot of trust issues after everything (a lot of former friends blamed me for my abuse and took my abuser's side), and I am afraid of what will happen when I tell her.

I guess my question is--when is it safe to disclose that you have PTSD in a relationship? Also does anyone have any advice for dealing with trust issues/abandonment fears about disclosing PTSD in a relationship?

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Hi , I think everyone would have their own personal and different opinion on when to disclose. It depends on why you would want to tell her, and how would you feel if she finds it difficult to accept? Maybe it's early days yet in your relationship to disclose something so personal . I personally would wait to see how the relationship pans out and learn to build some trust in your relationship first. I think it's a big step and you'd want to feel confident in disclosing some personal reasons as to why you have PTSD and how it affects you daily. My CPTSD affects me quite a lot daily and sometimes I feel panicky if I'm around people I don't know in case I have flashbacks, go into disaccoation or become anxious, it's not what they see that I struggle with but it's the explaining why I have PTSD that I find difficult . Good luck and I hope your relationship works out, whatever descision you make , make sure it's your descision and you decided when to disclose .

 

[yofieli]

Thank you for your supportive answer! Working on building trust makes a lot of sense. I don't want to rush it, but maybe I should feel more confident that if things do go well with this person and it's a healthy and supportive relationship I'll be able to overcome my trust issues and share it with her.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I think it's very easy to say about building on trust because in reality I think it's quite hard to do just that. Just take each day, enjoy time together and getting to know each other . Hopefully trust will build into that and you'll know exactly when to disclose.

 

[Intrepid]

I started dating about a year ago. I had been trough 4 years of therapy, and thought it was time.

I shared with one woman that I had PTSD. She said she was bi-polar. All this happened in the first weeks of knowing each other. Five months later it ended because she became passive-aggressive and I withdrew. Letting go of her was really painful, but I'm proud of my self for not holding on to a crazy relationship (which until then was my norm).

I'm in another relationship now, and all I have said is that I'm in therapy. She can ask, when she wants to, why I am in therapy.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think there is a standard answer for this, rather whenever you feel comfortable.

 

[violetclouds]

I may get the 'boo, hiss' on my comment here, but I feel a little differently than most of the answers. I say gently and carefully get it out in the open now. If you take time, build trust, get invested in a relationship, THEN tell her and she can't handle it, there will be more painful repercussions for you than if you find out now. IMHO - just my thoughts. Best wishes - everyone deserves love!

 

[desiderata310]

I am kinda with @violetclouds on this one. Honesty being the best policy and all.
That said, It's not exactly first date material. HI! you seem nice, by the way I have to see a therapist for this little thing that makes me mistrustful of people, have flashbacks, panic attacks and dissociate. It's closely related to the way I interact with the person with whom I am intimate.
UGH. and that of course, opens a whole can of worms that you may or may not be ready to talk about.
So whats a body to do?
I say, yeah, feel it out a bit, and see if it is going to go somewhere. If you get the feeling it is, it might be time to chat about that.

Of course, I tend to be an open book to anyone who cares to read it.

And please! I am SO not the person to ask about dating. I've been on three first dates which all ended with me going home and wondering what the hell I was thinking. I am so not ready to be in any sort of relationship!

 

[Julesnaz]

As a supporter I say sooner rather than later if you want to continue seeing each other. It helps to understand that when things happen it's not our fault. It was confusing at first when I didn't know. I didn't understand why he was acting the way he did. When he said he has ptsd things clicked and I began to understand and do some research about it and learn when to back off and when to call him out on his shit.

 

[Karen12]

It's a different time frame for everyone. I think when you need to start explaining to her about a behavior, that's the time to talk about it.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Well (I kinda start everything with well), I am a bullyed kid, 14 years old and still struggling with bullying.
Today I officially got into a relationship with my only friend (I still can't thank her enough for breaking the touch barrier). She was my only light for the last month or so. And before we got into relationship we had a talk about each other (she has some problems as well).
During the talk I found out some things about her and she found out about my problem.
It was a wierd situation, but she is the only person near me that understands me so I shared it with her.
Thanks to that a lot of stuff is off my mind.
For one I saw her today, at 8:20 pm, so there is much lower chance of anxiety kicking in before midnight.
Another thing is that she is my saviour (a hug a day keeps anxiety away). Thanjs to her I was able to get through day and depression would show only at night. Though I still have no resist to triggers. A person that loves you, no matter the bad sides, and understands you is a good way of coping

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh, but whatever you do, take the "Its no big deal, I can handle it" response with a grain of salt!

99.9% of them know NOTHING about what its like to live with someone who has PTSD. I had one guy tell me it was ok but then a few months later he said I was too negative and couldn't deal with my self-image struggles. (That of all things.....) Nope, he had never seen an episode, and nope, I had never shown negative emotions toward him.... Good riddance to him as he wasn't strong enough to be a supporter. I can (and will) do better when finding another guy.