Relationship Starting out - have i already messed up

[Hojay]

Hi @vj17, sorry if some of the below may sound unnecessarily blunt. Please take what helps and leave the rest.

Unfortunately I triggered him quite badly, obviously completely unintentionally the first time he stayed with me.

I just want to point out an important distinction: You didn't trigger him. He was triggered. The difference is crucial. It's his responsibility to manage, learn about, and communicate his triggers. Him having been unable to do that (now or in general) might be part of the reality of him not being ready for a relationship. Triggers aren't yours to guess about, manage, or presage. You are you, and that's A-ok. If that's triggering to him, he has two choices: communicate, educate you, and work with you or decide it's too hard and opt out. I understand the guilt about having acted or reacted in ways that were triggering, but at this level of communication and information between you two, it's not your fault in the least.

He does respond to me and communicate but it isn’t how it was at the start.

This is painful in ANY budding relationship that cools off for whatever reason. Taking PTSD out of it for a moment, it's natural to be hurt, confused, and stumped when someone seems to change their minds. Let me ask you, if PTSD weren't in the mix, how would you react if someone changed their mind like this, and how would you proceed with them?

In my mind that was completely irrational as I am pretty likeable to most people, but I have since read that it’s probably about him being fiercely protective of his family, albeit for unjustified reasons.

I don't mean to be too much of a Debbie Downer here, but you mention that you only met him "recently." In other words, as connected as you may feel to him, it seems you might not know him well enough to slot in what he's told you appropriately? What I see is that you're (understandably!) trying to make sense of this situation with the bits of info that you have. But what's obvious is that there is a marked lack of communication and explanation on HIS side to give you the answers you need. I'd steer clear of trying to psychoanalyze just what may mean what and why. It's a bottomless well (one I'm still peering into after 3 years with my sufferer) and too much to ask of you if all you get is "I'm not ready for a relationship" and cooled off communication in return.

He hasn’t asked me not to contact him at all. In fact he was the one who stated he still wanted to hang out together etc. it’s just he has been a bit less communicative lately but then again I know he’s been busy too.

Leaving aside for a moment what he's told you about what he wants or doesn't want. What do you want? And is this situation meeting your needs and expectations for a relationship?

Bottom line is: being a supporter within a relationship is often mind-bending, difficult, filled with uncertainty, sometimes a lot of hurt, and always a lot of work. To go through all that, I think every supporter needs to ask themselves what the minimum is they need from their partners in return.

 

[vj17]

Thank you so much everyone, it’s been really helpful to hear your perspectives and experiences. I realise this may never be the relationship I initially thought it could be. If it is to be anything it will require a great deal of work and commitment and will need me to have my eyes wide open. I don’t want to blithely say I can handle it if I can’t so I’m also taking time to think it over now.

 

[PenelopeB]

Hang in there! For me, the beginning was the messiest part because it takes a huge amount of figuring out, and, as other supporters have already said, reading up. I can’t speak for what your sufferer is going through, or any sufferer for that matter, but in the case of my relationship and from what I’ve heard from others with PTSD who have known my boyfriend and who have been able to shed some light when the going gets rough, dating someone with PTSD is a constant push and pull . You’ll get pulled in and things will be great for a while and then something will trigger the PTSD and your sufferer will push away. It has nothing to do with you - although it’s hard at times not to take it personally! You just have to give your guy a little space and let him come to you when he is ready. If he’s texting you back, I would kind of take that as he’s still interested but he’s working though some stuff and it’s hard for him to focus on what he’s going through along with the responsibilities and effort that relationships with other people require. It’s difficult to tell how long a phase will last, but if you really feel like you have a shot, let him work through whatever he’s going through, be there for him, and let him be the one to initiate progression of your relationship and a more intense texting schedule. Especially if it’s a new relationship, the complexities and emotions of a being close to another person can be draining for anyone, and when it’s an extra thing for a sufferer to think about on top of everything else, it can be difficult and time is needed to just adjust. In the meantime, do as much reading and researching as you can. The supporter videos on this forum are very helpful as well if you get a chance. On a personal note if it means anything or gives you a little bit of hope, my boyfriend and I also met on Tinder and although he has PTSD and is not quick to trust, he fell for me pretty quickly and it took me a little more time. I tend to be clingy in a relationship, so it took some adjustment on my part to recognize that while I texted constantly in my previous relationship, that was not going to be the case here. We’ll text back and forth several times a day normally, but when he’s dealing with stuff, I might hear from him once every couple of days (which was also the case early in on our rwlationship). It helped a lot after I asked him to just let me know when something was going on (although no greater detail was needed if he didn’t want to talk about it) and flat out say that it wasn’t me just so I wouldn’t take things the wrong way. Either way, it’s workable if you’re just honest with each other and learn to be patient and flexible as well as how to read your partner (which obviously just comes with time). Best of luck and if you’re willing to stick out the rough bits and to take the time to learn and to adjust, sometimes such experiences will make a relationship even stronger and the reward can be amazing!

 

[vj17]

thank you @PenelopeB it’s so good to hear others experiences. My feeling is this could be amazing which is why I’m still around and trying to learn as much as I can. He’s been a little more communicative today also which is good. I kind of want to let him know I am learning and researching a lot so maybe he will realise I am serious and that I may understand a little more than I did, but not sure if I should or not.

 

[PenelopeB]

Hmm, well for me, my guy and I have been through a few fights (inevitable for any couple of course!) that have basically boiled down to me feeling like things between us weren’t equal and him feeling like he was trying as hard as he could but that I wasn’t recognizing that sometimes it took much more effort for him to do the little things that I took for granted, such as even getting out of bed in the morning. In these cases, I found it helpful to let him know that I was trying to read up and trying to learn so it was more of a matter of me not understanding what he was going through and not that I was giving unreasonable expectations without trying to make an effort myself. Communicating this and knowing that we have both been trying really hard is something that has helped us cross those bridges when we have hit a roadblock. I don’t know the dynamic between you and your interest, which could change things, but from where I’m standing, he might appreciate the fact that you’re really trying, even this early, to help support him in the ways that you can and to understand what he is going through.

 

[vj17]

I fear I have royally screwed things up, for good now...

After researching and reading heaps of stuff about PTSD and letting him know that things were getting a bit better with communication, I totally backed off and had no expectations. We organised to catch up but when I called him to organise it he told me he'd met someone else after telling me he just wanted to be friends, just 1 date but they did sleep together. I was understandably confused as we had got on so well and the reason he said he wanted to be friends was because he wasn't ready for a relationship, not because of me, so why was he meeting someone else...

He ended up coming over, he was in a bad way, but we spoke and he ended up staying over. He told me in the morning again he wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone and it just had to be friends now. I did go round in circles a little with my questions about the person he met and if he'd tell her the same thing etc, but my emotions were sky high after everything.

After he left I did message him to ask if he realised that what he did was shit and if he realised he hurt me as I wan't sure he fully realised. He responded by telling me yes, he was sorry and that I wouldn't hear from him again.

I am devastated. I don't want to lose him as a friend. My stupid reaction to this has been to try and call him several times and send a few messages. All understanding and reiterating I'm ok being a friend and don't want to lose him, but all the same I know I probably shouldn't be doing that.

I don't really know why I'm typing this here, as I'm sure everyone will just say leave him alone, if he wants to contact you he will. I don't want to add to his stress but I can't bear the thought of losing his friendship too. He even said to me on the phone before he told me about the other date about how good friends we were going to be.

 

[Snowflakes]

he said he wanted to be friends was because he wasn't ready for a relationship

He told me in the morning again he wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone and it just had to be friends now.

I'm ok being a friend and don't want to lose him

I can't bear the thought of losing his friendship too.

 

[Snowflakes]

crap....I hit reply and I don’t have edit privileges.....LOL

I quoted those above because I see 2 things in your post. Whether he has C-PTSD or not, he seems to be very clear in his communications with you exactly where he is emotionally. That’s a great thing...you know exactly where you stand. He just wants to be friends. That’s a good thing.

You also want to be friends. That, too, is a good thing. It seems you both want the same thing.

Wonderful thing about friendship.....neither party has a need to control the behavior of the other and friendship is never forced. It comes naturally and easy when people just enjoy each other’s company when they are together.

Go out and enjoy life. You may find the less pressure you put on the “friendship”, the better both your lives will be.

 

[vj17]

@Snowflakes you’re right, that’s how things were progressing, but then the lines got blurred again. First I was pretty hurt someone else ended up in the mix after he said he wasn’t in the right space for a relationship as the reasoning about that decision wasn’t about me, so why all of a sudden was there another person involved. Then there was intimacy and affection when he stayed over. Probably shouldn’t have happened but it did. Now I am happy to draw a clear line and boundaries but I guess I just hope when he said I won’t hear from him again thats because of his current headspace and not permanent :/

 

[EveHarrington]

I disagree in that you both want to be friends.

He wants to be friends.

You want to be friends but you still want more than friends.

HUUUUUUUUGE difference!

Believe me, I have been there.

You are much better letting go completely.

It’s going to devastate you that he’s with other women. (It is already having an effect on you.)

When I told people I was going to be friends with my ex, they all said, without fail, “that never works!”

I didn’t want to listen. I thought I was special and could make it work.

It failed ROYALLY! Months of pain that I didn’t have to endure.

I can see your fawning behavior. This is how I know you want more and the imbalance is going to destroy things.

A good friend told me there is no good reason to keep an ex in your life. She was right.

I know you’re not going to listen to me. But I also know that months down the road you’ll look back and think yeah, I should have just let it go. So not worth the prolonged pain.

 

[vj17]

@EveHarrington at this point in time of course I am a bit sad it’s not going to be more than that, we can’t just switch feelings off entirely at the flick of a switch. But I disagree that I won’t be able to handle it as friends only as we actually have a good friendship and I have stayed friends with several of my exes. He’s not in a good place for a relationship with anyone, and I doubt will be for a long time and I really don’t think he’s going to be pursuing anyone else at this point anyway because this has all been so confusing for him when he’s in such a low place at the moment.

 

[EveHarrington]

I seem to forget that I get in deeper than most people, lol. Carry on, carry on.