Starting Over, For The Hundredth Time

[TLight]

I'm 46. I'm done. Complex PTSD, life in ruins. Over 25 years now.

My husband of one year suggested last night I move out. I've been crashing ever since. Drove to the middle of the woods.

I swear. The only way to end this is death. I'm convinced.

This is like the 15th abandonment. Think there's something wrong with me? he he

Last night I scratched my face. Welts and blood drips today. I went in a local market and bought cigs and beer.
This is it..........I'm giving homelessness a try. Seems to be the only place I belong.

I'm relieved really. Finally where I belong. In a cardboard box. Thank you God for all you have given me.

Funny thing is, can't figure out what I did wrong? Want to work, tried to work, can't work.........but neither does he. Men, selfish f*ing men. I told him from day one an unemployed man sitting around is like my worst trigger. Daddy two. Coped for an entire freakin year, coped.
Done coping I guess. Time to make some changes, death, homelessness......whatever, at least I won't ever have to deal with a human again.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Tlight, I'm sorry for what you are going through right now.

Other people can be wrong, and it is not up to you to punish yourself for their failings. You have PTSD and you have coped. But when it gets difficult to cope, you have a right to ask for help and you deserve to be given that help because you are worth it.

I hope you will find that exra bit of strength to beat this.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

Other people can be wrong, and it is not up to you to punish yourself for their failings.

Exactly.

TLight, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I almost don't know what to say. Just know that you are in our thoughts. I hope you are able to find/create some stability.

 

[anni]

Yes, the thing is, other people generally are wrong about us we just tend to look for all the reasons they might be correct. Or we look for those idiotic men who we secretly know think the worst about us, somehow hoping beyond hope in our hearts both of us will be wrong. It never works, but we get to prove ourselves 'right' all over again about how awful we are. I had a few who were only slightly preferrable to that soggy box, my glitch for the expectation these people were anyone else but who they were. They're still out there, the same people-I just like myself a teeny bit more, enough to require someone else to at least like me also. Please allow yourself this luxury-thinking you're ok enough to like yourself if that makes any sense.

He's just plain wrong but you know that. Please find somewhere to wash the blood off, sleep, heal a little, and re-group. I loved Meadowsweet's post, so good! I also hope you know you're more than worth the effort of getting through this.

Take care, ok? Come back, let us know how you are. Thinking of you with hope.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Tlight)))))

Just because he is wrong for you doesn't mean you are wrong. Just because he is a person who abandons you doesn't mean you deserve it. You don't. None of it.

You won't find a healthier life in a cardboard box, dear TLight. But I do understand the desire to just give in to a hermit's existance.

Resist. There are people out there who won't abandon you...but you won't see them around you until you stand by yourself and refuse to abandon yourself. Wishing you strength, discernment...and whatever else is needed to get through this crisis.

This will pass and this time next year will find you around much healthier, kinder people.

...and we will still be here, awed at your tenacity and strength...

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes TLight, xoxoxoxox, ((((Love, Kindness, New And Only Good)))),
please don't give up,
xoxox

 

[TLight]

So now, after a year of triggering due to this issue, he says he is going to attempt to find work in order to provide some stability.

We went through about 5 days a while back that were horrific flashbacks, etc because he insisted on 'justifying' that his meager efforts of rinsing the dishes was him sharing in the housework. I begged, pleaded, told him that me being a slave was part of my trauma. After five days of him defending himself regarding housework and me almost being hospitalized, he caved and said he'd do more, but I had to tell him what needed to be done. It has gotten better, especially now cause he's bored and wanders around the house a lot.

He inherited a bunch of money a year ago, quit his job without talking to me, and has been officially 'retired' for over a year. I've been hugely stressed. I mean, he's 47 and has $200,000 left and he is doing nothing but spending. Wench for his quad, horse trailer, building his dream cabin (supposed to be for me), beer, cigarettes. I've been bringing in my disability and whatever I can get from writing projects. He paid off the house, but still has another mortgage he's paying on. The money is just bleeding out. And all he talks about is what he wants to buy next. All my money goes to us, with the exception of my meds and therapy.

He holds me tight during the flashbacks, comforts me, says everything is fine, nothing to worry about, yadda yadda yadda.

I told him the minute we started dating that my number one trigger is an unemployed man wandering around my space not doing a thing to make life secure. He specifically said to me when trying to get me to trust him, "Well, you will never have to worry about that."

So, I've asked him, where is bottom? When are you going to have a plan, do something? When we are broke? He says he has a plan. When the cabin is done, he will be rancher john and raise and sell beef. The cabin likely is another $100,000 to finish. We have three cows costing BUNCHES here, pets and he refuses to give them up, so we'll have to transfer them over 300 miles to get this so-called ranch going.

We are stuck here for the winter. He has TONS of antiques; doubles, triplets, he inherited from his Dad who was a dealer. Is he selling any? No, he spends most of the day dusting them, moving them around, and generally dinking around.

I'm panicking constantly, but manage to keep it under control for weeks at a time. Then he brings up something else he wants to buy.

I go into a rage, like a maniac. Then the flashbacks follow, days on end, trembling. He says, don't worry about it, he won't fail.

I feel like a horrible person. I hate myself after the raging. I sink into despair thinking here I am again........there's nothing I can do, can't work. I feel terribly like a victim, helpless. I tell him all this....but he just wants to argue his point. I end up hating myself for days after these episodes and they are comiing closer together.
I want to leave, but THAT overwhelms me and puts me in a tailspin. Starting over, dead god, I've had to kick out losers so many times and start over. AGAIN God?

 

[Tinyflame]

If possible TLight, 'stop'- stop thinking, stop self-blame. You don't deserve it.
I feel all will be well. Try to go slow and kind to yourself.
xoxox

 

[BloomInWinter]

He may be wonderful in so many areas, but you also deserve to have him be dependable on issues of safety, security, finances, etc.

I know how it feels when you're feeling like you're not getting through. Before the rage summit is many steps of requests, broken promises, failures to follow through, resentments, irritations, frustrations, energy expense at trying different tactics...after finally it's now rage and when we summit, we look around and finally have our eyes on the broad view..and don't like what we see.

Had this myself a month ago and I was really ready to give up and quit everything.

It woke my hubby up. It outed my full-on crazy panic to my T. - but things are finally different.

It's ok to feel all you are feeling. But attack the main problem first...not yourself.

You are not the problem...there is a solution to the problem bothering you most. Name the problem, claim what you want the solution to be...and start taming it. You CAN do this. You deserve remedy.

What's the most pressing issue?

 

[TLight]

Ugh, no income and money going out on bills. Savings draining constantly. Nothing coming in.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Oh, that is so frightening!

What's the easiest expense that you could get rid of...but haven't? Or, what is the one expense that really is triggering you? What can be done about it?

We got rid of cable and landline phone, but took far too long to do so.

I really freak out at finances. I suspect my parent's bankruptsy and loss of our home really scarred me that way. Poor hubby ends up dealing with it alone but I'm trying to get in the game and be a part of it.

Hang in there, ((((TLight))))....

 

[TLight]

Thanks Bloom;

Xmas present is settled. He suggested I move...well, I'm moving ASAP. Nothing else I can do. He's going to do things his way, come hell or high water.

Really shows how much he loves me.

Please god...if only I could work. I'd do anything to save this relationship. For him, well, guess he'd rather put up with my flashbacks and suicide risk than do anything he doesn't want to do. He's retired. Period. Who gives a rat's ass about me? Well, I guess I have the answer.

No more tears over this one. I feel completely dead inside. Completely. I risked one more time. Stupid.
Merry Xmas everyone.