Starting Over, For The Hundredth Time

[ms spock]

(((((Tlight)))))

There are people out there who won't abandon you...but you won't see them around you until you stand by yourself and refuse to abandon yourself.

And if you get that one down TLight please let me know how you did it because I struggle with that every day.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Why should you be the one to move?
Really, please consider checking with a lawyer first...you could be putting yourself in a worse position by moving out. What is he willing to work on?

It always worries me when someone says "I'll do anything to save this relationship" when the other party doesn't have 'saving this relationship' anywhere in the priority list.

Why can't he move? He's retired and doesn't have PTSD...and all the symptoms to deal with.

Is it possible he's not acting in your best interest? Is moving out in your best interest?

 

[ms spock]

Really shows how much he loves me.

It might not have any thing to do with how much he loves you. It might have to do that you are triggering some thing in his childhood as his behaviour is triggering your childhood stuff. He might not know what to do. He might have mental health issues of his own that you don't know about. He might be an addict. He might just not know what to do and giving up is his way of dealing with the situation. We never really know why people do what they do. But it doesn't mean that you are bad in any way. (Yes I have these feelings too and I am a hyprocrite! But at least you know the truth about me!)

Please god...if only I could work. I'd do anything to save this relationship. For him, well, guess he'd rather put up with my flashbacks and suicide risk than do anything he doesn't want to do. He's retired. Period. Who gives a rat's ass about me? Well, I guess I have the answer.

You don't know. There are a couple of women doing it really tough in our area. I can't be there for them. I can't be there for a couple of people. Even though I really feel for these women I can't do it. I can give them the gift of honesty. Sorry I have too much on my own plate right now so I feel for you and I can't be there for you. A lot of people just fight with people in these circumstances as it is hard to admit you can't do stuff like look after someone.

No more tears over this one. I feel completely dead inside. Completely.

I understand the deadness inside. Disassociation, derealisation, depersonalisation, nightmares, suicidal ideation, flashbacks - these are my lot in life too.

I really relate to what you are writing and what you are going through.

Your feelings might not get better, but your ways of dealing with them will and you will have days that you are okay with being alive. (Has taken me heaps of practice.)

I risked one more time. Stupid.

This is such a hard place to be! I really know this one well.

 

[ms spock]

Why should you be the one to move?
Really, please consider checking with a lawyer first...you could be putting yourself in a worse position by moving out. What is he willing to work on?

Why can't he move?

Is it possible he's not acting in your best interest? Is moving out in your best interest?

Talk to some type of lawyer or legal aid is a great way to go. BloomInWinter that is a great
suggestion.

 

[BloomInWinter]

TLight,

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are not stupid, nor lacking, nor unlovable.

All your feelings of pain, numbness, grief...all are normal and valid.

Really, if you had a magnificent job...would he be different? Would the relationship be different?

If he had PTSD and couldn't work, and you were retired...would you be asking him to leave?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this...gosh...sending wishes for rest and friendship your way.

 

[ms spock]

It always worries me when someone says "I'll do anything to save this relationship" when the other party doesn't have 'saving this relationship' anywhere in the priority list.

It puts you in a very vulnerable position, like a small child, with an abusive parent.

What I am reading is a lot of self hatred, a lot of self punishment, a lot of self blame,
a lot of personal abandonment (probably learned that one through your primarly caregivers
hey?) that terrible feeling that you don't belong, that you don't matter, that you are nothing.

 

[ms spock]

Parents who reject their child, through a range of ways, often let a child know, in a variety of ways,
that he or she is worthless and unwanted. Putting down your worth or belittling your needs is one form these types of emotional abuse occur.

Other forms of emotional abuse include telling a child to leave (did your parents do this to you?)

Were you the family scapegoat? Were you blamed for family/sibling problems?

From your posts I am reading a lot of negative self talk (which I so do when I am down like you!)

I am thinking of you.
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

If what I write isn't helpful please take it as comments meaning kindness.
ms spock

 

[TLight]

Ms Spock;

Yes yes and yes to all the questions. My parents hated me, my siblings blamed me, and I got out at 13 barely alive.

I'm done for tonight. I"m having severe anxiety right now, just took a klonopin. Hate life. I just know I can't argue with him anymore. I'm so tired, so very tired of the flashbacks and rages.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((TLight)))))

Take care of yourself and only yourself. Put your needs first. If you have a T., now would be the time to call...or tomorrow.

You deserve to be at the top of your list. I'm sorry if I've said anything which has caused you pain. I'm not too 'with it' myself tonight and your words remind me a lot of my family. Please ignore anything I've said that isn't relevent or helpful.

Hoping the days ahead bring you hope and relief of pain...

 

[TLight]

He just stomped in and said, "I'm going to live my life the way I want to live it but if you're gonna force me to get a job...then I guess I'll do that, but I want you to know that you've just made me miserable. I'd rather pack up and go over there and get out of here and this stress. But you are going to force me back into the 8 hour a day BS and then I can't get the cabin done, etc.....etc. etc. Oh, but I'll do it cause I love you."

I said, "I just thought you could figure out how to bring in a couple hundred a week to make this transisition less triggering and more financially stable."

I was in utter astonishment. My eyes red, my hands shaking, days and days of flashbacks, the same requests made calmly until his putzing put me over the edge (months of flashbacks really). This is all I ever asked. I was doing everything I could do.

It was like this tirade of who he was and what he was gonna do was all just to make him feel better about himself. I was in broken astonishment..just broken. No anger, no fear, just total astonishment. Like this is how he was showing me he loved me and wanted to see me get some relief?

I ended up saying absolutely nothing. Trembling terribly. He came back in later and attempted to put his hand on my shoulder and told me to take a pill.

I said; "You've lost all privledges to touch me, tell me what to do, or be a part of my life in any way shape or form."

I'm looking into finding a shelter until I can find a room to rent. I don't want to go the legal fight with him, too much stress. I just want out. Oh, I asked if he could stay at one of his friends very politely in order to help with my triggering and he said he was going to pack up the cows, his horse, all his stuff and go over to the unfinished unheated cabin. F&cker can't even stay at a friends a couple of days. Drama....

Hope there's room at the shelters. I felt so loved and cherished after his little tirade.....

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((TLight))))

Maybe he is reacting to something in his childhood he hasn't faced. Can he tell you a feeling word about your request other than 'miserable'? Does he think a job has to mean misery?

A shelter would also be stressful, but an option. But sounds like there's a lot of abandonment issues on his side of the fence that could be addressed if both were feeling up to it.

If you feel safe enough to do so...can you just 'be' with yourself and these feelings without taking action on them? See where they lead? Not leave and abandon him....see if he stays and chooses not to abandon you?

This could be a great opportunity to take your healing to a much deeper level provided it's not too much.

Here with you....be gentle with yourself, whatever you choose to do. It's all ok.