Sufferer Starting Point For Recovery

[CMBMUA]

Hi, I am new to this and I guess using it as a starting point to recovering. I have so many issues, from depression, insecurities, social anxiety, nightmares, mood swings, lying the list goes on. I do not remember being sexually abused but i do have nightmares about my father chasing me in the house i grew up in. i have even had sexually dreams where i feel like im turned on by the abuse but in reality i hate him more than anyone on this earth. he emotionally and physically abused me growing up starting at a young age. i was a good student and very active but i was also too smart for my own good. he would strangle me in front of my siblings an close line me. he would beat me and my siblings would try to stop him but they didnt get too far. Im 34 and i walk with trauma on my sleeve. Having sex is not an option as my father pops up in my head and i start to cry. growing up i was very promiscuous and lost my virginity early. The strange thing is when I lost my virginity I did not bleed and the guy asked me if it hurt and I lied and said it did. Im wondering if i was sexually abused. I am super frustrated trying to figure out what happened to me. I have always been a sad, depressed person, acting overly happy and super judgmental to others. i hate that about myself. I have made an appointment with a therapist and I hope this will help me . I have pretty much cut myself off from my family especially my father. My mother approached me 10 years ago and asked me why I dont ever visit and my brother told her it was because my father hit me. My mother then said was it anything else and i said no and i didnt understand how she could still be with him. She then replies with there are things you do not understand about a marriage. With that response I knew there was no point in continuing the conversation.
I left home for college in 1998 and never moved back. I made a point to tell my father I would never ever move back home and he said I dont know why no one ever did anything to you. He also said that was rude of me to say. He makes me feel like a lunatic. I know he has ruined my mother as when i see her she is always finding a way to to say sorry .(non related to abuse just in general)

I just want to be healthy and happy. I do not date and only leave the house for work.

Please any words or advice will be greatly appreciated.

 

[intothelight]

@CMBMUA Welcome to the forum!

I moved your post and started a new introduction thread for you as it appears that was your intent. Memory is tricky and repressed memories are especially hard to deal with. There are several threads and posts that deal with the subject.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing.

 

[ghotiff]

Welcome.

Congratulations in starting your healing journey.

Have you thought about starting therapy?

 

[CMBMUA]

@intothelight Thanks.

 

[CMBMUA]

@ghotiff Yes I have an appointment in two weeks. It is very overdue. I wish there was a quick fix button or a way of forgetting it all.

 

[shandemonium]

The first part of this is always a fight in your/our head between what our abusers tell us and what our intuition tells us.

Your father sounds like a typical warped abuser with that "no one ever did anything to you" BS. That is what they always say to deny and hide what they inherently know they did.

You are NOT crazy. Abusive parents can get in your head. They are still in my head and I left home at 13. It's still a battle between remembering my mom as a sad little girl who can't get her life together and then remembering the cruel mommy dearest type stuff she did. It's crazy making!

You are not alone in that. This is a good place to find people who can relate.

I think you are right to stay away from them and cut contact. If your brother/siblings are supportive, they can be your family. If they are not, cut them out too until you feel safe enough to deal with them.

Also, forgive yourself if you invite them back in and then freak out and need to cut them out again. That has happened to me several times with my mother. Forgive yourself for not remembering all the horrid details. That is your mind's protection mechanism. Forgive yourself in general and be easy on yourself. Be kind to yourself in ways your parents were not.
You deserve love and kindness and peace of mind!

 

[CMBMUA]

@shandemonium thank you very much for your reply. I really needed that. Today is a rough day as I have to go to a funeral in a few days for my fathers mother. I cant even grieve her cause im overwhelmed with anxiety thinking about being around my family. Im not close with any of my siblings as I almost feel like they are on my parents side. I told my brother how I was feeling and I never open up to him. He told me he was tired of my drama. I told him being around family triggers my childhood memories. He then says I need medication. He clearly is his fathers child. I remember one time my father throwing the bible at me saying "read this it will make you a better person." I could go on forever but it feels good to vent as I usually just keep working and put a fake smile.

Im sorry your mother was terrible to you. So many people should not have kids....

Take care of yourself!

Happy Sunday!

 

[anthony]

Welcome to the forum @CMBMUA

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[shandemonium]

Wow are you sure going to the funeral is a good idea?

I have missed funerals of people I really loved for reasons of money (couldn't afford sudden flights) or reasons of circumstance and for fear of dealing with my family. Although I felt guilty, I had a really good friend tell me "funerals aren't for the dead" and it's really true. Do what is best for you. I know your grandma would understand. I missed my grandma's funeral because I was 17 and still in a foster home and terrified of what my parents could do before I turned 18. She and I were very close. I am only telling you this so you know that a funeral is merely a gathering to pay final respects, and you can do that on your own terms to avoid abusive people.

She would understand why you didn't go. It's not my place to tell you what is best. You could also hold your own little service and just have a couple close friends over while you say a few nice words. Be amongst people who you feel safe with. They don't have to be relatives!

Having family beat up on you while grieving is like a double whammy... that's the only reason I am writing this! It's entirely up to you and I wish you the best .. Hugs

 

[CMBMUA]

@shandemonium I think going to the funeral is a terrible idea and im dreading every moment of it. I plan to get my hands on some xanax and just zone out for 2 days. When my other granny passed I swear during a family picture that my father kept touching my ass and i would turn around and he acted like he wasnt doing anything. I know what i I felt. I feel like Im going in order to keep my father from yelling at my mother. Clearly there is only so much I can do. I totally agree with you about what a funeral is ! I thank you for that perspective. I also think this would be a perfect time to remind him why I dont come around and tell him not to contact me at all. Why not kick him while he is down....if he can ever even be down.... the thought of actually standing up to him makes me feel amazing, i just dont know if i can.

thanks for the support!

hugs