Starting To Get Depression Warning Signs

[Lady of Longbourn]

Brooding, easily overwhelmed, getting mentally tired.

School is starting to wear me down. And I am concerned about next semester, if I should take time off or not. That could go both ways though, so I will probably just take one class.

Yeah, very fun. :cautious:

I am so tired of being ill. So tired of depression and just feeling down.

I wish to be healthy.

I wish, I wish, I wish... :(

Shame is such a nasty feeling.

Since I was a child, SHAME as been a big companion of mine. I felt that on a daily bases in school, still do.

Shame is what usually starts my depression.

Now I am having shame in myself. Shame in illness, shame in not being able to handle things. My temper as been slowly getting worse, my fuse shorter. Shame in my temper too; it's bad.

I will have random shame attacks ( this is what my T calls them) throughout the day, where I will remember random things I have said or done in my lifetime. I will remember things from my childhood or even now, and feel shame. They don't always have a clear trigger.

:(

 

[Barberian]

I understand what you are saying, and I am occasionaly struggling with shame and embaresment of things I have done, or should have done. I am moderatly sucessful at catching myself after it has started and reminding myself, that I can't change the past, only live in the present. I try to chalk it up to lessons learned and I tell myself that I won't make the same mistake(s) in the future.

In order to become wise, one must live. To live is to make mistakes, to live life fully is to learn from ones mistakes.

It doesn't always help, but it does sometimes. Any victory for me is better than none. I don't know if this helps any, but I hope it will.

 

[freakofnurture]

I will have random shame attacks ( this is what my T calls them) throughout the day, where I will remember random things I have said in done in my lifetime.

Reading this I just realised: I have this, too. I usually call them 'negative' thoughts, but really they're shameful thoughts.

I try to push the thoughts away by focusing on something neutral, and with the thoughts the feelings go away, also. But it's like trying to get rid of something that's slimy and slippery and it leaves a bad aftertaste.

Sometimes it feels so bad that it draws up desperation and the wish to be annihilated.

Concerning your studies: I did my Hauptstudium one class at a time, too *sitting here, cheering you on with handmade glitter pom-poms*:)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

The only thing I think during my shame attacks is..." Forget about it, forget about it." Then I desperately wish the people involved don't remember what I said or did.

Its very depressing.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Bit more balanced now. Hope that lasts for awhile.

 

[Heather]

I hope so too:). Sending you positive thoughts that it will!!!!!!

You deserve to be happy.

Big hugs to you.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Thanks! :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

It's awful that you think that maybe you have potential to be something. But you struggle to find motivation. Your doubts hold you back in the worst way.

Looking off into space... and you just feel, nothing. Like a lump of fat with no direction. You are lost in a huge crowd, screaming, "I have something good to offer!!"

Or maybe your mind is playing tricks. It's phoney...you have nothing to offer, no life. Just depression, illness and only being able to live hour by hour instead of these things called goals and dreams. You are a asset to no one and your life means almost nothing. A burden to your family. A mess.

What good have I really done?

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

Did you drop your French class? I hated my first year of French, I got a D. Sometimes it's better to drop the class than get a low grade that lowers your GPA. If you can handle a juggling act at the beginning of the semester it's beneficial to "audit" classes whenever possible, before commuting. But it's tricky adding, auditing, and dropping classes within the allotted time frame. College can be stressful.

And I think you have a lot to offer. I've read many of your posts, and you sound intelligent, compassionate, and helpful towards others. That's a lot.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Thank you so much for saying that. It lifted my spirits a bit. :)

Yes, I did drop French. And let me tell you, college got way more enjoyable and less stressful after that. I don't have to rebuild myself after every french class.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

Your more than welcome, and I'm happy to hear that your enjoying college more now. :tup:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Instead of starting multiple threads about basically the same thing, I am just going to stick with this one.

Today has been harder for some reason. I am not depressed, but I am not neural either. I am dipping down a bit and I wish I could explain why.

I am doing fine expect for this feeling of detachment which is bothering me a lot. My intelligence, worry and college is bothering me. And they all tie together.

I found out that I can do a dual admissions program with my college and my future university. The reason why this is helpful is the university puts a little more pressure on you to graduate from the college with a Associates degree, and then move on to university and get more education.My college I am attending only has a graduation rate of 9%...so the dual admissions is there to help students stay on track, take the right classes and get into the university. ( So it befits the university becasue you pay them tuition fees)

I am worrying a lot about this. And I think it's causing me to take a bit a dip in my mood. I could apply to this program and get accepted...but what if I don't make it and drop out?

It's this excessive and nonsensically worry I am causing myself for no reason.

I apply to the program.
I get into the program.
Life and college goes on as planned.

Nothing changes.

Only thing is a little more pressure to finish what I started. Which is a damn good thing. And a smart thing to have backing you.