I just went back and read Ayesha's first post. I thought I had read the entire thread before. If I did, I did not relate, connect, have the empathy of reading it that I did this time.
I felt very much the same as you as a child Ayesha. I felt that teachers thought I was slow. In first grade, they gave us a reader to practice in class- like Dick and Jane. Anyway, we read it in class many times. Finally the teacher announced that we would be taking them home to read to parents tonight-all except for me, who needed to practice more in school and master it before I was permitted to take it home.
I had 4 older sisters. This teacher had three of them. She knew my family well. As far as I know, back in 1964 in this upper class neighborhood and school, we were the only divorced parent family. Im sure she knew how my mother was and punished us for it. We were often sent to school ungroomed until we learned to do better for ourselves.
My mother did not get up in the morning. My sisters were in high school. I would hear them getting ready and would get dressed. I did not know how to tell time. Elementary must have been 20-30 minutes later than high school. So I would keep checking out the window to see if anybody my age went by in the direction of my school, if they did, I would grab my coat and go.
Once I had no idea what time it was and waited for others to go by and nobody did. I waited and waited. Finally I just went. There were no crossing guards and it was very late. When I went into my class, I was grabbed up and sent to the principal. I was questioned and how I got there? Did my mother drop me off? (she didnt even drive). I admitted she was alseep and I just walked myself to school. There was a very busy street that I had crossed. Evidently, they got a hold of my mother because when I got home I was in big trouble. She was livid. I dont think I ever really understood what I did wrong, but learned that if other students did not pass my house, I should just stay home. I missed a lot of school before I learned to tell time. Even when I did learn to tell time, I had no idea what time I needed to leave or when school started. Just getting to school when I was suppose to be there was so stressful. I am just now remembering how making the decision to go or stay was a challenge for me so often.
My first grade teacher, Mrs Burns, made it clear she did not like me or my sisters. She compared me to sisters often. I was so glad when first grade was over. I was glad when my report card came and said I was promoted to 2nd grade. (in spite of my lack of ability and absences). Then I found out Mrs Burns was moving up to 2nd grade teacher and I had her again. I remember dreading this all summer.
At age 50, following a brain injury, I was sent to this neuropsychologist. He was very cold. He told me what we would be doing and any questions that I had went unanswered. When I tried to ask him questions or tell him something, he said-"this is not how this works, there is no question and answer period here-I am here to give you this test in sections--I will meet with you in about 2 weeks to give you my conclusion". It was very much a canned test.
When we met in 2 weeks and he explained the results, he was telling me about a low score in an area that required recall from old memory. When I persisted, he told me that it was about naming the continents and name 3 things about Cleopatra type of questions. I blew at this section. He started to attribute it to my tbi. He was very aggravated at my interupting his canned results as well-but I did. I asked him if I had not attended grade school-whould that not effect the results of this section. He looked at me and said, "well of course it would, these are things that you have learned in grade school and the average person remembers ? % of the items with xyz recall, but you this would not apply to you, you have a masters degree with a 3.9 GPA" I told him I went to school 50 % of the time grades 1-5. He never did respond or ask any further questions, just moved on, and never indicated any of this in his report. He was a Neuropsychologist with a PhD.
I apologize for my babbling on. I just want you to know Ayesha that I can tell from your posts that you are very intellegent and I think and hope you know that. Emotions and home environment can rob us of knowing this. Kids that are bright know when they are being treated like they are slow. Kids who are actually slow often do not have the insight to perceive they are being treated slow.
I dont know how old you are Ayesha, but it took me until late thirties to be in a safe environment and have the confidence and absence of distraction to get my bachelor degree. Education is important to me, (I wish I could apply this to myself), but I hear so much wisdom and insight with you. You have so much to offer. Yet most importantly, offering the kindness to yourself. I dont know how to get those images out of your head when they are persistant as you describe in French class. You are not that person anymore. You are a competent person. Sounds like emotional flashbacks.
I am sorry for such a long winded post.
((((hugs)))) to all
