Starting To Get Depression Warning Signs

[Lady of Longbourn]

I know you just had your mom visiting a few weeks ago. Does your T not think it has anything to do with the let down afterwards?

No.

This depression is different then depression from trauma. There are no jumpy feelings,no rage over past events. No nightmares. No endless restless pacing the house and worry. No horrific memories are coming up, no crying over feeling stupid or like a neglected child again.

There was nothing to trigger it. Trigger wise, trauma wise, upsetting thoughts of the past...I am doing great. Still a little social problems now and then.

This depression is still and a weight on my chest. It is just there. I stare off into space...and think no thoughts. My eyes hurt like a chemical was poured around them. It's not from crying or even wanting to cry. It is like it is echoing the sadness within.

I hate being Bipolar. I hate it more then I do PTSD.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My psychiatrist is closing her practice on August the 11th, to work full time at the VA hospital. I have to find a new doctor.

I am out of my anti-psychotic, because my insurance company is giving me grief. It will two days without it tonight. I am so almost indifferent to this news and that of my doctor. My husband is a little freaked out though.

I wrote some sad poetry today.

"Eyes are windows to the soul." My eyes hurt; my soul is sad.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Ayesha I hope that cloud lifts for you soon. Sending you strength to keep going.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Being around my husband generally helps a bit with my current depression. We talk, even just about small things. He can usually make me smile, as he is such a happy easy going person. This is really the only way we are polar opposites. I am moody, all over the place and he is steady and has his shit together. We are well matched. T called it "true love" once. Even my family said we are "perfect for each other", becasue he is so supporting.

It does not last long until I slip back though. And my husband is currently over taxed with to many problems and he expressed feeling as though his patience has run out. Not just about me; he is just a bit burned out.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I did not sleep well last night. I run out of my antipsychotic medication ( which also helps me sleep) 2 days ago. I don't know if I will be able to get anymore because of incruence coverage problems. They don't want to pay for it, they want me to changed my medication to something else, something cheaper for them. I am feeling jittery and irritable. I have had to completely stop this medication cold turkey. There is no way this will end well.

I also tired and fatigued. Muscular aches. My mood is low, my thoughts are slow. I have lost insterst in reading. I took my four days to read the first Harry Potter book, something that would have normally taken 3 hours. At least I am showering and feeding my husband.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Finally got the medication problem worked out. My doctor got them to pay for it. I should have it to tonight. Thank God!

I am so tired. I pray for a good night's sleep tonight.

 

[piratelady]

I am glad you were able to get the issue with your medication worked out. Hopefully this is the first part of things turning around for you.

 

[mamachick]

I am so glad you got the med problem worked out. I am sorry for you very difficult time. It always helps me to read others posts. I hope you have something that works with you. Im glad you have your husband as a support as well. I know he may feel taxed, but glad he is with you during this time.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am melancholy. A deep, pensive, and long-lasting sadness.

I have thoughts now, but they are usually poetic like. Soul, spirit, sadness. Poetry. No morbid thoughts. And only once or twice I had any thoughts of death, which were not serious. fleeting.

This is not the worst depression of my life, I have had way worse.

I try to get myself to do things. I still try to feed my husband and I will still groom myself. I still work on household chores. I went to my support group last night and I emailed my T like he asked me too. I am still reaching out.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I just logged into my facebook account. I don't keep my illnesses a secret there, as all those people are either good friends of my husband and me or well known, carefully picked relatives. I regularly post news articles and latest research.

I will post things like doing well, balanced and healthy. Loved. Things like that. And yesterday, for the first time, I posted that I was depressed. My medication was changed a bit and I was hoping to get better before it got worse. I just don't think keeping it a secret helps and I have always been rather forward. I also just didn't give a damn if people didn't like it. They could de-friend me right?

Three people commented, they are usually the ones that comment on my news articles.They wished me well. " I will pray for you", hugs. Simple things. One emailed me this morning asking if I was doing any better. Another also texted me last night, and we talked.

I am touched. And at a loss for words. I have no idea what to say. I don't want to rain on there party by saying " I feel the same, still depressed", I wish I had better news for these people that took the time to comment.

I guess I am going to say thank you, and I am sure I will feel better soon.

 

[maddog]

Ayesha, your honesty is something I deeply admire in you, it speaks to your resilience and integrity, and as sorry as I am to know of your current struggles, I am so heartened to read of your realistic determination. You have so much courage...

If these people are true friends, as it sounds as though they are, they will want you to tell them the truth, and they will accept it for what it is.

Thinking of you. As you say, you have been to this place before, and you will come out again on the other side, just as you always have.

Maddog

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Thank you Maddog. Your words mean a lot to me, touch my heart and make me feel hope and faith that I will come out on the other side.

Thank you.