Starting To Get Depression Warning Signs

[Lady of Longbourn]

Feeling better. Still a bit listless, but better.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Okay...my barley depressed mood lasted for like, what? 4 hours?

I feel upset with my quality of life. I just can't see how it will get any better. I will be spending most of my life fighting my mood cycles and using my money to help prevent the more serious ones. Spending more then half my days recovering from aneixty issues and preventing depression over trauma related issues. Those days I can go out and see the world, will be taxing to my mental health, and again I will have to take time to recover.

I realize, that without medication and support I could not attend school. But all this requires so much strength.

I just don't know if I can do this 24/7 and live the life I want. I just don't think it is possible.

This distress me and depresses me.

My T told me: " You can get depressed about being depressed." Yeah, I can see that right now. I am depressed becasue it just dawned on me that even with medication this happened, that obviously medication can not cure me. It can only hope to 'hold off' or lessen. So my life as been put on hold while I recover.I guess I should be happy that medication has given me at least more time.

What else will be taken from me?

Bipolar Disorder gets worse with age. How long do I have? How long until my medication stops working?

And what about my PTSD? My anxiety issues?

So I getting depressed because my already depressed mood has left me with no strength.

Listless again...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sorry that you are struggling with so much. You are an amazing person and very wise. I hate to see you under the waves of the crap right now. I surely hope you have some success in battling all of the things you are currently going through.

I really wish I could just take your pain away. But I cannot. I hate to see you suffer. i hope you find some sources of inner strength to see you through this rough patch. You are so special. You have so much going for you. It is so hard to put one foot in front of the other and go through the motions.

By taking baby steps and taking really good care of yourself you will get to where you want to go. I hope the thoughts do not overwhelmn you. I wish you had some positive things to do. I know it would be hard but having real hope is important.

You will be ok, it is going to turn out allright in the end. You may have to go through some painful times, but it will get better. I will believe this for you when you cannot. I know it is beyond hard right now. You will make it, you are a survivor. You will have to make some changes to adapt to the new things that pop into your life. Great big cyber hugs. I hope you can be gentle on yourself. Worrying is only going to make you feel worse. Try to hang onto any positive thing in your life that you have. You need the treatment. The works for you. I know it sucks but you will make it. I am confident of this. You are a very wise soul.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I emailed my T again. This is the 3rd time in the last 5 days. Not in a "HELP ME!" way, more like a 'update' way. Which is what he wanted.

It seems to help. Though he does not answer, and that bums me out a bit. But not to much.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Three people commented, they are usually the ones that comment on my news articles.They wished me well. " I will pray for you", hugs. Simple things. One emailed me this morning asking if I was doing any better. Another also texted me last night, and we talked.

I notice my mother as not said anything on facebook, nor has she called me. Hmm...

I wish I could take your lovely words Gizmo and lock them in my heart. Learn them and remember them like they were a book.

But it's so hard to believe the 'nice' right now...

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Its midnight. And I don't want to sleep because my medication gives me very weird and vivid dreams/nightmares.

My thoughts are more morbid now. I see flashes of me killing myself. But I am not suicidal...

I suddenly feel like a complete mess. And it's all mental. I have a good working body, but my brain is so f*cked up.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

This is not my worst depression ever. But this depression was sudden. And it is deep.

It has craved path into my soul, leaving its mark as it goes. It will never leave me.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I can see now why my T has been mentioning partial hospitalization.

It is not for people who are suicidal, and I am not. But it is for people who are having a hard time dealing with their symptoms. It is being rehabilitated, and like new life being breathed into you. A time to focus on you.

I understand that medication can not cure everything, and these might be necessary through out my life to mange my mental health.

This does not mean I failed. Right?? Still unsure about that one. I feel like maybe it means I just wasn't try hard enough.

I don't know how long these programs last. I would say a month or so. But this would be the time to do it, when I have no school.

I will wait a week and see how I am doing, keeping in mind that school is starting soon and how taxing it can be. I will need my strength when school starts. I remember how healing the psychiatric hospital was.

A lot to think about...

 

[piratelady]

I don't think it means you failed, just perhaps like you said, new life being breathed into you. No matter what, I hope you start to come out of this soon.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

What good is it going to do though? I will feel okay for what, like 6 months? And then I will be back again.

I feel like I am losing the fight slowly. I can feel it, I know what is happening. But I am unable to stop it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You have to have some real help and some real hope. I will hope for you when you cannot. I am sorry you are having such a rough time. Is it coming in waves? It seems to be in your writing.

I hope for you some really good diversions and distractions. I hope this will pass and you will get a lift in your spirits. Somehow you will get through this. You are not stuck even though you feel this way.

I am having a rough day and need to go slower than usual. I force myself to do stuff. It gets done at least . Do you have anyone to help you with things around your house. Like to clean or cook?

I hope you do. I would hate to see you on your own right now. Big hugs.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think the change in my medication will help me. My psychiatrist increased my mood stabilizer medication, and she firmly believes it will help me in the next few weeks. I think so too, becasue my medication has help me very very much, mostly with my depression.