I am really starting to struggle again with some pretty dark thoughts and feelings of wanting to just end it all. I was doing well, then had some downs, feeling ok, then more downs, feeling ok again, then more downs - this time, it just feels like I've reached an end point. I hate to think like this - I've got so much to live for - two wonderful little boys, my partner. But it's become so hard to think in a positive way I feel like I'm actually drowning under it all.
My PTSD symptoms are largely under control where I work now, but I need to try and get back to my old place of work on an NHS site where I had my accident, otherwise I could well be facing termination due to ill health. The pressure is immense, it's just too much now. I've applied for 19 jobs, been to so many interviews and not got any of them. I am desperately trying to make a return to the site but I am finding it so hard - I can deal with the buildings and the thoughts they provoke, but it's the issues I have with my management which I am having trouble getting over.
When I was first off sick, my manager wrote how I was feeling in a diary he had. He left this diary open one night and I was shocked to see it open on his desk the following morning - 2 other members of staff were in the office. On the page he had written a lot of personal issues I was facing, along with a statement from the HR department detailing my sickness and that I hadn't complied with this and that (which is all wrong) - at the bottom was the word 'grievance' underlined. Ever since this time, I've been paranoid they are trying to get rid of me - I just don't trust them any more. I have had to endure my personal notes being left on a shared work drive also - detailing meetings I've had with my consultant psychiatrist, comments I've made about how low I am and how it's affecting my family. I am just so paranoid, but it's also causing me to lose sleep - I am taking over 100mg Quetiapine now, when before I was only on 25mg.
My thoughts have become muddled, dark and I feel completely burnt out. The only escape I can see is ending it all, it really is - I fight it and try to disregard it for the negative thought it is, but it comes back constantly.
I had no sleep last night, feel ill today, I am due to face an imminent meeting which could result in my termination of contract. I am tearful all the time. Just when you think you're making progress, things get in the way and you sink lower and lower.
I am so angry, so upset, so everything...I really feel like I cannot cope anymore.
