Starting To Lose My Grip On Life Again...

[bittersweet]

It's been quite some time since I last posted and up until recently I've felt relatively "normal" and happy. I had my occasional bouts with depression and my T switched me from my Celexa (it started having no effect and causing issues with my stomach) to medical marijuana. It's helped tremendously with my PTSD but the past 2-3 weeks have been a living nightmare lately. I feel like I am starting to lose the firm grip I thought I had on life and I don't want to be back to where I used to be. Life has been extremely stressful for me and even though the stress hasn't been trauma related, it's now agitating my PTSD and now my flashbacks have started to come back and I just can't deal with them right now. I feel worthless, unmotivated, constantly depressed and just don't want to be alive sometimes. I've started exercising more and trying to take up things to keep me busy but it's like the dam that was keeping my PTSD back has cracked and it's tryng to break through. I'm just so scared to go back to what I used to be. I know I've made it so far and I just don't want to have to put myself and my husband through all of this again.

Sorry about my rant. Thanks to those who read it.

 

[Rainbow_Habitué]

Well, first of all, don't blame yourself for your PTSD symptoms. It sounds like you are doing your best to manage, but sometimes 'stuff happens'.

I don't know how to stop if from breaking through because that's currently my predicament, but know you're not alone. I've been having some success with just trying to let it kind of flow through me and riding it out while trying not to judge myself. I hope you find your way back to feeling happy again.

 

[mamachick]

Celexa quit working for me too. They changed me to Lexapro and that was much worse. I changed to Pristiq (often use for menopausal women) and depression. It is so much better. Im not a fan of medical marajuana for ptsd. It does reduce motivation and can be a depressant.

Blaming yourself will only make it worse. I know the fear of going down. The fear itself can make it worse. Try to not think about that happening and dealing with each day as it comes without your progress is lost. Try to remember that you have gotten this much better than you were before, so you have the ability to do it again. Give yourself credit for that and you deserve it.

Have you told your T about the changes? That would be a good idea, and hopefully he/she can help

 

[ms spock]

It is so hard when you are on your way down or feeling like you are on your way down. You are being proactive with exercise and keeping your self busy. I wish you well.

 

[storycat]

I feel like I am starting to lose the firm grip I thought I had on life and I don't want to be back to where I used to be

Well, I wouldn't call mine a firm grip. It was more like one of those grips you get during a handshake with someone you just met, but it was a grip, and I can relate.

I came off all my medication slowly and the terrible symptoms went away.

I started going back to school and recently got a part time job, but the anxiety of every moment got so bad suicidal thoughts started plaguing me, and I'm finally realizing the dam PTSD (it was "dammed" up for a while) is back. The meds just covered it and switched symptomology, which is maybe (*runs and ducks under a table*)what I'm hearing from you?

I've been on celxa, zoloft, cymbalta, Lexapro you name it, and they all seemed to do something for a while (no more flashbacks and better sleep, yay!) but then the depression, apathy, and physical symptoms became unbearable. Each time this would happen I felt like I was loosing my grip again.

10 years I've been climbing, gaining grips, thinking everything is finally alright, only to feel like I'm loosing it again.

But, I'm actually writing all this to give you a ray of hope b/c I had 2 or 3 EMDR sessions with a therapist and had some amazing results. Unfortunately I couldn't continue b/c of the meds, (your ok with Celexa and marajauna, its just benzodiazepines that don't work with it), but now I'm going back for hypnosis and EMDR.

There is a program to help titrate off meds if they become a problem called "point of return", so don't worry about that. But I was just on a forum where the question was asked "can I ever get over PTSD"? Amd guess what? 8 or 9 people replied saying that with EMDR they had gotten their lives back.

So there is hope out there, but for me it was not with meds. So if those pharmaceuticals let you down, don't give up. There are other methods of treatment. (And whatever you do, don't stop your meds suddenly!)

 

[bittersweet]

Thank you all for the advice and well wishes. I'm still trying to drag myself out of the hellish hole that is PTSD still and days I feel ok and then others, it just seems life sees I'm having an off day so it throws a ton of crap my way so I have to deal with it all at once. If I have the usual stress I can manage it. It's when 3+ things get thrown at me at once to deal with right away that makes me want to snap. My husband has arranged a getaway weekend just the 2 of us with no phones or computers which should help me block out some of the stress and get me level again.

 

[ms spock]

I started going back to school and recently got a part time job,

These life changes seem to be big triggers for many people of a range of mental health disorders.

Good luck. I wish you well.

 

[mamachick]

I understand the feeling of loosing my grip. Im uncertain that its ptsd, as mine is that feeling that I never do the right thing even though intelecually I know thats not true.

After 4 yrs of not having contact with my daughter (she married into a religion) and its complicated, but it has been her choice and for four years Ive been heartbroken. After 4 yrs, I have come to some acceptance. Now she contacted me and we had dinner last week. She is moving 32 hr drive away to Utah and I have never met my grandaughter. It brought about a range of emotions that has knocked me off balance. I am so glad to see her and be communicating before she leaves. I am very grateful. Then there is fear, doom, what ifs, all this stuff rolling around in my head. Im very sentamental and my emotions are up and down. I find myself doing physical labor to not think about it. In the past week, I scrubbed a bunch of grout, sealed, refinished my kitchen table top, and pulled up living room carpet and disposed. I have medical problems that I should not be doing this-its like a panic driven that results in physical pain. My emotions are overwhelming.

Then my grown nephew moved here and is a serious alcoholic. He was to stay with a friend until finding an apartment/job. Friend evidently put him out. Was staying at a shelter, came in drunk and got booted. Moved in with his sister which was causing conflict, especially with her teen daughter. I almost took him in and then did a reality check. My niece just booted him out and we dont know where he will go. I want him to be well and it breaks my heart. I feel bad for turning my back, but have taken others in and it hasnt been good. I feel damned if I do, damned if I dont. Guilt is debilitating.

Loosing grip too

 

[ms spock]

My emotions are overwhelming.

It is hard to be so overwhelmed by emotions. You did well to have dinner with her.

Guilt is debilitating.

Loosing grip too

I don't think you are losing your grip at all. I think you are doing really well.

You saw your daughter.

You kept your self aware from an unsafe situation with an alcoholic. And it is so hard to say no to family, even when it is the right thing to do.

 

[mamachick]

Thank You Ms Spock, You are very encouraging.