Starting To Recover When She Wants Out...

[sol1107]

I posted this on the MyCombatPTSD.com sister site, but it's not near as active and I need help.

I love my wife in ways I didn't think possible. When she smiles, I feel my heart beat faster. When she laughs, I want to cry because it's the most beautiful think I've ever heard. When she talks to me, I hang on to every word. When she's next to me, I know everything is going to be OK.

We have been married for 6 years. When we first met, I was drinking quite a bit. I didn't realize it was an escape for the things I did until recently. She got pregnant, and I was starstruck. I stopped drinking. I was so excited that this amazing woman wanted to stay with me, so I proposed to her. It wasn't a great proposal because the ring I ordered for her came while she was visiting with me, and it caught me off-guard. I wish I could do that again...

As the weeks went by, I started falling deeper into the despair that has haunted me since I killed that child. I couldn't tell her about it, which was also a huge mistake, but I was afraid she would tell someone. I kept falling and distancing myself from her subconsciously, but everything I felt for her made it feel OK. I was inconsiderate of her needs because I kept trying to convince myself that she's happy. I was trying my best to live with a family and the hell that I've been going through at the same time.

My career came to an abrupt end when my reenlistment was denied due to injury. This crushed me, but it was a blessing in disguise. The further I get from military life, the better I can cope with what's bouncing around in my head. Or so I thought. I couldn't hold a job, and it got to where I couldn't even get through the interview without tensing up and panicking. We had to move in with her parents, which was terrible because they hated me. They saw from the outside how I was treating her, the things she didn't want to tell me because she loved me so much. However, instead of trying to help us, they tried to tear us apart. Eventually, they tried to turn our children against me.

I finally landed a job in November last year. Since my separation from the service, I've only had 2 jobs, and the first only lasted for 6 months. I had hoped this was the first step to my recovery, as I learned how to communicate again, most of which are complete strangers at their worst, (I work in an emergency room). Unfortunately, the only thing I learned was to put on a different mask. I was still terrible to my wife, and it was getting worse. I became ignorant, condescending, and cold. I was stupid and kept telling myself, "At least she's not going through what I am."

Now, she's filing for divorce. At first, I was OK with it. She wouldn't have to see me fall anymore. Her and the kids would be safe when the day that I inevitably snap comes. I could still have those feelings I get when I'm near her because we are still very close, and will always be close for the children, but at least she won't see me at my worst.

This all changed about a week ago. I stood up and climbed out of that hole. I put the shit that happened behind me because I realize there are no apologies to give or amends to make to anyone except myself and my family. The VA's pill-pushing can be damned. I'm stronger than that, and there's no point in living in a time where I didn't know my wife. All those years, I was unable to talk to her and communicate how I feel. I would try, but my insecurities would take over and I'd say something terrible by accident. I still see the look of horror on her face when I said, "I only married you because you were pregnant." I wanted to take my life when I realized I said that. Fortunately, that was the old insecure me. I know she can never forgive me, but I want her by my side forever. I've freed myself for her, but I'm afraid she'll never see that change, that she will only see the negative that pushed her to the breaking point.

I don't want this divorce. I know I can be the guy she fell in love with again, and she even said so a couple of days ago. She went out with friends, including the guy she's been going to for support through this, but when the night was winding down, she said she could only think of being with me. Though I protested, she had driven all the way across town while slightly intoxicated to be with me, and we spent the entire day together. Still, she says she wants this divorce to be done. I don't think she knows what she wants, but the divorce will help her see things more clearly.

What should I do? I can't let her go. I don't know how to convince her that I've changed. I know she still loves me, but she wants to protect herself from the man I used to be.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear stavi82, I would suggest you print out this, exactly as is, and give it to her. (If you haven't told her about the forum, just give her a brief description- she will also know by that that you have been trying for some time). Sometimes I think more is said on here than ever to others in real life.

But give it to her without expectation. No excuses, just to ask if she is, or one day may be, willing to give you a chance to try again. Then (you have to) keep working your bum off. Sometimes the pain just runs too deep. :( But from what you've said, now, or in the future, there may be a chance. No matter what her answer, keep working on the ptsd, yourself.

Best wishes to you both.

 

[HollyB]

I can only echo Junebug, 10000000%. If I was ready to walk and my sufferer gave me your words, there's no way I could go through with it.

 

[sol1107]

She wants to get together tonight after I get off work, so this is good. I opted to work during Thanksgiving because I couldn't deal with the stress of her family. All week I've been finding excuses to see her or have her and the kids come by, and after finding the words I've been aching to say for the past 6+ years I couldn't be more excited to see her. We never got time away from the kids, but they're staying with the in-laws while we go out for drinks.

 

[HollyB]

I hope she really hears you, Stavi, and that you two are able to work together and move forward together. Best of luck. :)

 

[Bilby]

Stavi - definitely let her read this - all the very best!

 

[myvetswife]

stavi. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt.
My husband and me were in a similar situation. I could not cope anymore with him changing jobs like his underpants. His anger issues and more.

I splitt up with him. He could not deal with it (we were still living together) und try to kill himself. I actually saved his live. I called the cops and it took a lot of them to bring him down and get him transported to a clinic, where he had to stay as an inpatient.

I hated him. Never wanted anything to do with him anymore. BUT he changed. He worked on himself and after spending 9 month in a clinic I fell back in love with him. I could see he wanted and he did change.

That's about 3 years ago. Next year in March we will be married 20 years. Every day is still hard work. We still go through difficult times. But we talk a lot more. He can say "it's not a good day today" and I know why he behaves like he does. Communication is very very important. Even if he just says "I need to be alone for a while".

Talk to her. Show her you mean it. Prepare here there will be times, where the hole sucks you back in but you are willing to climb back out.

 

[sol1107]

We has an amazing conversation last night. She made me realize that we both need this. We need to start over, and she needs to figure out how to handle my problems. I know she won't visit this forum until she is ready, and I am not going to pressure her. I want so badly to tell her that if she's not in my life, I will probably start clawing at the walls someday, but for now, it's on me to control it. I was taught to express aggression when I am pushed, but it's getting easier and easier to suppress it now.

The reason I asked her to go out for drinks was because I felt the pain in my chest, my heart rate increase, and my vision narrowing. As soon as she said yes, everything was back to normal, and the more we talked, the happier I felt. An intimate setting, no children screaming, and no distractions made for the most pleasant time we've had together in a couple of years.

I wish there was some way I could get her to become more active in helping me get through this, because it's not about saving my marriage anymore. It's about saving myself. We can work on each other later. That was her argument for both of us coming to terms with the divorce. The old me would have fought her tooth and nail. Now I can hang on to the hope that we can start over.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear stavi, that is good news. :) :tup:

Please don't take this the wrong way, I say it as a sufferer. It's not up to her to handle your problems, or even- wonderful as that is- to help you through this (it). It must be up to you, only you can control your response to anyone (otherwise it's walking on eggshells), and she must be through enough to file for divorce. If she's not trying to hurt you, then she is helping you.

I hope you do not take offence, denial comes along with ptsd, and I think part of the denial is that if things were different, 'we'd' be different. :( . I think you will find that working on you (privately), and making it about her, and your family, will help you reclaim your life. And bring you joy.

I say it only because, you have a great opportunity here. But you can't minimize her pain. I think it takes great humility, to recognize, admit and correct pain we (because of the ptsd, or not), have caused. Or doubt, uncertainty, etc. But to do so without self-bashing, or being angry at the ptsd and the world.

This is a second chance few ever get.

(((Big Hugs)), if that's ok.

 

[sol1107]

I loaded up the kids and brought her dinner last night while she was working, and I noticed her friends and customers staring at me. She told me later that night that they have never seen me smile and enjoy myself. Her closest friend said, "If he talks to me, then he is definitely changing." She thinks I hate her, but I was really just annoyed at her old habits. She didn't drag my wife into it, so I respected her for that.

I know it's easier to win over her friends because they didn't know me, but they know what I did to her and resent me for it. They don't know anything about my PTSD or what I did, so they just assumed I was a natural jerk.

Anyway, just an update. It's nice to know more people are noticing, and it motivates me further!

 

[myvetswife]

stavi be prepared for some time of fighting for her. It took me 9 month to trust my husband again. And be prepared for a bumpy road ahead. You may feel good in the moment.

You will have days where all the shit comes up again. Where it will drag you down again. Prepare her for these times. Work out how she should behave, what to do. It does make a huge difference to know how you should deal with it

 

[sol1107]

So, we were doing spectacular for a couple of weeks until she went to my doctor with me. He suggested an anti-depressant, just in case I start to regress. She thought it was a good idea, even though I was still hesitant. However, for her, I obliged. I was given Welbutrin. It has side effects. I was utterly paranoid, and even at my lowest, I was never paranoid before. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop worrying about her. It got so bad that she wouldn't talk to me. I was texting her friends to find out where she was because I was shaking and in a state of panic.

It scared her off. She stopped coming home and stopped talking to me. We were at our first intake appointment for marriage counseling, and she said that she no longer thinks counseling will save our marriage. She told the social worker that she was scared of me.

So, with divorce looming, I have refused all medication, and I do feel much better already. She notices a change already, and she's talking to me a lot more. Even though it's just small talk, it's something. She still loves me deeply. I can see it in her eyes. I know that once this divorce is final, she'll always be there, but we need to start over. I need to stop medication. I need to go back to the place I was in when I wrote my original post. We almost made it until some hack doctor shoved pills down my throat...