Starting

[sprout]

Wondering what it would have been like to have a mother who understood boundaries (in regards to herself) and who wasn't neglectful. Also wondering why I put so little blame on my dad when he was there too and should have been there for me or told my mom when she could have been better at parenting.

 

[sprout]

I heard a podcast the other day that talked about a woman who was badly beaten and raped while her husband was out getting food. She had severe brain damage and had to relearn how to walk and speak. When she started recovering she "remembered" that it was her husband who attacked her. Her husband spent the next 15 years in prison based solely off of this testimony. Later, when DNA research advanced they retried the evidence and connected her attack to a serial killer that had been killing around that area at the time. Even though this evidenced showed that it was not him she still firmly believes he was working with this killer.

That story made me doubt my own memory of my assaults so so much at first. I got so embarrassed that I had ever told anyone they had even happened when I "so clearly remembered wrong too." I was actually able to talk myself down, though! 1. I don't have severe brain damage or injuries that would cause my memory to be damaged. 2. Even if I was wrong (which I'm not!!) family members should not hit on you or comment on and stare at you sexually!!!!!

I'm proud of myself for coming to these conclusions on my own (even if it took me 2 days to do so lol) because it shows I'm learning to trust myself and I'm breaking out of the toxic habits I've learned from the gaslighting I grew up with. Progress ?

 

[sprout]

I'm in the middle of making a lot of big life changes right now and on my period. I'm having such big mood swings as a result. I also just remembered that Easter is this Sunday so that means I'll have to see my extended family ?I'm feeling slightly sad on the surface but I know it's deeper than that. Every now and then I'll slip into the actual deep, deep dread of it all but then I do the classic me thing where I pull myself right back up and push it away. I don't know what would be more destructive, letting myself sink and just feel my feelings or pushing everything away and just trying to finish these moves I'm trying to make. I don't think I can make it through this if I don't push it down but I can also feel it eating away at my body. I've been so nauseous and I'm starting to get heartburn again. I hate that everything in the body is so connected even though I know it's ultimately good for me.

I'm kind of freaking out about seeing my tio again. I feel like I'll never be free. He's always going to be right there waiting. I have to deal with him way too frequently. It feels never-ending. I don't know how to end it. At least Easter's usually a big event and it's easier to hide. It just highlights how lonely my family makes me every single time. That's what hurts the most tbh. None of them are there for me. There's not a single one of them who I can lean on. I don't think any of them would stand up for me. And I know, I know I'm old enough to stand up for myself. I just wish they'd stand for and listen to me the way I do for them. I give so much of myself to them. And I'm learning not to since all they do is drain me, but I still wish it was different. I want a family that's there for me.

I wish I could believe in myself.

I should find a new therapist, but I honestly don't even know what I want my therapeutic goals to be. I don't know where I want to end up with it. Maybe I'll feel better if I just let myself have a good cry. I haven't had a good cry in a while.

 

[sprout]

I was thinking today about all the ways my mom gave us a better childhood than she had. She was beaten pretty badly as a kid and as a result, never hit us as kids and would get after my dad and her family if they did. She was also deprived of a lot of essential items like new shoes, socks, underwear, etc. When faced with a choice whether to buy new clothes for her children or herself my grandma would choose herself. My mom always put us before herself. There a lot of things she shouldn't have done but there are also a lot of things that she went through that she looked deeply at and made it a point to change. She really does love us even though she doesn't always show it in a healthy way. She had a hard time growing up. I think she did what she knew how to do and was capable of. It makes me feel a little better to know she tried, I guess.

 

[sprout]

Yesterday my wife and I were having sex when we did something that hurt me. We immediately stopped and when I tried to continue she reassured me that we didn’t have to continue. She made sure I was okay and it was just really sweet. BUT the pain made some flashbacks come forward. I have never had flashbacks of pain before. I mean I was really small so I assumed I was hurt but these flashbacks were just so strong and gross. I’ve had physical sensations in my flashbacks before but this pain was a new thing. I was able to separate myself from the past but still dissociated all day. I was also a lot older in this flashback then I was when the abuse first started so I have to deal with that knowledge now. Another day another flashback lol

 

[sprout]

I keep getting bombarded by these new flashbacks lately but I'm handling them so well! I'm pulling myself out of them without shoving them completely away. I'm allowing myself to experience them as true events but reminding myself that they're in the past. I'm able to remind myself that I'm an adult now and I can protect myself. I'm feeling confident and optimistic!!! I'm accepting my abuse more and more every day. I'm still not able to open up to my family about it (and tbh anyone else really) but it's becoming a part of my story as opposed to a nightmare I'm living every day. This is good. I'm doing okay.

 

[The Albatross]

Very good of you to develop the habit, "I'm able to remind myself that I'm an adult now and I can protect myself. I'm feeling confident and optimistic!!! Good shift to - part of your story as opposed to every day nightmare. Keep journaling to reinforce/remind yourself of both of these as/when necessary. Well done Sprout.

 

[sprout]

I had a dentist appointment yesterday. It was short but the little I was there was so distressing. The woman who was doing the X-rays was so sweet and calming though. She made me feel safe enough to bring myself back a bit.
Feeling someone’s fingers in my mouth like that brought up some awful flashbacks. I almost threw up and cried BUT I didn’t so go me lol! The flashbacks weren’t super clear or cohesive just quick flashes of visual flashbacks. They were mostly sensory and emotional. Even typing this right now is making me uneasy. I’m tired of having new flashbacks come up. I’m tired of experience after experience being taken away from me. I already have a hard time being present for most sexual experiences. I don’t want the few things I’m able to enjoy to be associated with that. How many more things have to be taken away from me? How many things were even done to me? How many times? For how long? It’s awful to not know where your body has been.
I’m honestly a little terrified for the actual extraction procedure. I hope I can be put under. I hope I won’t have to have a male dentist.

 

[sprout]

In good news my day wasn’t completely ruined by the flashbacks and short panic attack. I stopped them and brought myself back. I was exhausted and slept most of the day yesterday but I didn’t let that get me down. I reminded myself that healing is tiring and it’s okay to rest

 

[The Albatross]

I’m honestly a little terrified for the actual extraction procedure. I hope I can be put under. I hope I won’t have to have a male dentist.

This is actually reasonably actionable. I think it worth a go to see if there's a female dentist available if at all possible. If not, I chose to divulge a good bit to my new current dentist, who has been very good with discerning when I am ramping up distress. I relocated and my former dentist knew me for about 32-34 years. It was not easy to transition, but it is doable with stress management.

I actually have the biggest issue with the assistants (which are like a gumball machine, you never know who you will get). Just a suggestion so as to address your concerns ahead of the procedure OR have enough time ahead to mentally prepare.

 

[sprout]

This is actually reasonably actionable. I think it worth a go to see if there's a female dentist available if at all possible..

Yeah, this is what I'm currently trying to make happen. I don't have dental insurance and am going out of pocket so I'm a little limited in terms of who I can afford, but I'm trying! ?

 

[sprout]

I'm feeling very weird and insecure today. I don't know where it's coming from or why now but it's feeling overwhelming. I'm just feeling very emotional, anxious, and "not good enough." I'm in the middle of looking for a job at the moment so that might be contributing. I haven't had too much success yet (which is completely normal cause I haven't been looking long), and I'm having a hard time getting back into the rhythm of applying. I feel scared for some reason.

I also had a night full of flashbacks a couple of days ago. That's probably a big part of it. Maybe I need to start seeing a therapist again. I thought I was feeling better after I had a good cry and thew up that night but I've been feeling extremely nauseous ever since. I weathered the flashbacks, let myself feel them but didn't stay stuck in them, cried, threw up, reassured my inner child I'm there for her, and talked myself down. I didn't feel like super cheerful after obviously but I felt stable and in control. So why am I still feeling this way? I'm tired of this feeling. I'm tired of seeing his face at random times. I'm tired of feeling hands on my body. I'm tired of the noises, the smells, the spinning. He's scared of me now. I'M in control. Why don't I feel it?

The other day I visited my mom for her birthday. He was supposed to be there. He didn't show up. At least not while I was there. I can't help but think it was intentional. The last few times I've seen him I've avoided him completely and I can just see him staring at me the whole time. He looks more and more afraid each time. It makes me feel a little more reassured in my memories since I doubt myself constantly. I tell myself this means I'm calling the shots. He's the one who has to avoid ME now. It's a false sense of control if I'm being honest. I don't feel brave or in control when he's in the same room. I feel small and like glass. I also can't tell anyone. And how free are you if you can't speak the truth out loud? He's still controlling who I tell and how I tell. I'm scared, though. I don't know who to go to. No one feels safe. Maybe I just don't feel safe.