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Starving feels good.

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Okay, the cleaning you don't worry about now... your eating you do. :)

Thing with not eating... it skews the feelings.
If you don't eat the feelings you have while *that* are a different creature from those when well fed.
You end up needing to do the healing work *twice*, minimum.

And all present griefs get worse by not eating, added grief that's just the body trying to put every reserve had into all the systems needing nutrition, not having room to spend on feelings.

All that to say: Anything around you can fetch of foodables?
Food = needed.
All else = waits.
 
Most of my life I have just not been hungry. Learned it as a kid from neglect for sure. Even as a small kid my mom would try to bribe me to eat. I felt guilt at a young age because older sisters resented me for eating. As adults, they continued to say that my mom fed me better than them because I was the baby of the family. The whole thing is really toxic. Most of like I only ate once a day. I also had periods that I would realize that I hadn't eaten in 3-4 days. Then I was on Addeloll for TBI sequel that caused severe fatigue, pain meds, and xanax , anti depressants among other things. Everything started getting worse when my sister was dying of cancer. I went from 120 down to 94 lbs when I was finally hospitalized. Part of not eating was living alone and sleeping habits, but I also felt some amount of success that I could forget to eat for days. That changed after a hospitalization. I focused on eating and gaining. In a yr I shot up to 135, which is more than I prefer. However, my thinking is much more clear. My emotions are much better. Once I began eating I was diagnosed with gastropareisis. My digestion process has shut down. New expensive meds for that. Whoever said it effects every organ and brain function is absolutely correct. I feel really chubby at this weight but know I need more exercise and less food, just dont have any energy to increase movement.
 
@Ronin, yes to all of it. Your words are helping me because they are so kind and different, they stay with me. Ronin, it’s not cry eating, not sad eating anymore. It’s anger eating. Rage eating. I hear you saying, do the rage cause it’s eating.

I did call the hotline and be accountable to both the not eating and the talking to strangers. He was very nice and told me to be gentle but keep moving forward.

I still hear you saying do the rage. The gnashing and gnawing. Do it because it’s eating. I won’t Ronin. Does that mean I don’t like your help? No! I love your help! But I can’t do it friend Ronin! I can’t rage eat. I can’t cry eat. I can’t hide eat. I can’t cringe eat. Not today. Tomorrow I will normal eat. Make a meal. Today I will feel the gnawing inside and feel safe. One safe day today.

Thank you @brat17 for sharing your story. I’m sorry you have that enduring pain and had those toxic relationships. No one deserves to deal with any of this sh**. It is our bravery that gets us through. I am being angry and afraid with not eating but I guess brave with calling the hotline twice today to be accountable.

There is a small chance I will eat before bed. I wish I could say for certain, but I don’t know. I know that sounds immature. I’m just letting myself float along with my desires. No discipline. I can notice that. Maybe I will develop a routine soon, if I desire something different from depression. I will keep moving. I know tomorrow will be better. I have two weeks to plan for my next weekend alone. Also I can think about my nights alone. I’m always alone on Wednesdays and Thursdays. I can try to plan them.
 
:)

Super proud of you for moving forward and trying. ;) (And definitely not mad atcha for anything. Not even a little. Scout's honest.)

Glad you have a plan for tomorrow :).
Is anything yet option yet today? Are the gummies?

Edited: Totally a fan of eating before bed :sneaky:
Sounds makes better prepared for tomorrow and then all the other days needing so big planning, too.
 
I don’t know if it matters but I feel compelled just to assure myself that I ate. I feel like I want to post it in the thread about what did you last eat or drink. But because it’s so important I’m just being accountable to myself. That I did take care today about food.
 
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