My husband left our home almost one month ago, saying he needed to work on himself. He was supposed to return in 2 weeks. That didn't happen. I was just wondering your thoughts on this, and how do you all feel about this happening in a marriage. There is little contact and no information about where he is or what he is doing. Is this okay?
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Still Gone
- Post starter Sadie
- Start date
parrotthepolly
Diamond Member
Has it been 1-2 weeks since the date he said he will return? And you said there "little" contact which means he hasn't disappeared. What did he say? If there's anything at all it's saying a lot.
As someone who isolates a lot I relate to not answering with my location and what I'm doing cause it seems intrusive even if it's nothing I want to hide and there's no reason it can be used against me, it still makes me feel venerable. It's hard to explain but even tho people have told me they're "normal" questions I still can't stand opening up in anyway.
Plus when I want to isolate, I do not want to have anyone come to visit me without warning. Even if they most likely won't, there is a chance they know where I'm living and who I'm with if I even say the suburb. I know exactly how messed up it is to think this way and can make you, my friend feel like an enemy, which I can confirm I don't think so but in fact any movement within my energy field feels intrusive!
No it's not OK cause this way of thinking is clearly distorted in more than one way, not good for mental health and has the possibility of becoming much worse.
Also that's just my view with the same behaviour but maybe your husband is a lot more sane.
As someone who isolates a lot I relate to not answering with my location and what I'm doing cause it seems intrusive even if it's nothing I want to hide and there's no reason it can be used against me, it still makes me feel venerable. It's hard to explain but even tho people have told me they're "normal" questions I still can't stand opening up in anyway.
Plus when I want to isolate, I do not want to have anyone come to visit me without warning. Even if they most likely won't, there is a chance they know where I'm living and who I'm with if I even say the suburb. I know exactly how messed up it is to think this way and can make you, my friend feel like an enemy, which I can confirm I don't think so but in fact any movement within my energy field feels intrusive!
No it's not OK cause this way of thinking is clearly distorted in more than one way, not good for mental health and has the possibility of becoming much worse.
Also that's just my view with the same behaviour but maybe your husband is a lot more sane.
- Post starter
- #3
Thank you so much for the reply. He will generally text good morning and goodnight, but that is about all. And yes it has been 2 weeks since the date he said he would return. We had started marriage counseling before he left and he has still been showing up for that once a week. I am having trouble handling all of the secrets and the little contact. We were very close before he had his "break" a year and a half ago. Things have not been the same since
Do they ever get better? He is in therapy and has had EMDR, but never left before for more than a week. I think he is getting worse. He can hang out with friends though, just not me. I want him home to help him together. Does he know what he is doing to me by just up and leaving with no real communication? I am not sure how much more I can take.
Do they ever get better? He is in therapy and has had EMDR, but never left before for more than a week. I think he is getting worse. He can hang out with friends though, just not me. I want him home to help him together. Does he know what he is doing to me by just up and leaving with no real communication? I am not sure how much more I can take.
parrotthepolly
Diamond Member
Feelings can become muted and numb from constantly being in stressful situations so it's most likely he knows logically you're missing him but maybe not the extent. Maybe he doesn't think 2 weeks is that long.
Have you tried asking when he's coming back or why he's not seeing you?
I know you mean well but this phrase I find to be triggering in a way since it means change and if I don't want the change it means someone is trying to control me. Even if somethings need to be controlled to get better I'm someone who refuses to tolerate it.
Suffering can be a form of comfort after a person has lived with it for extended periods, especially while growing up.
I know he agreed to go to therapy but it must've been overwhelming so he took a break and he's afraid when he gets home, it'll be more stressful and there's stuff he's not ready to face. Could be a possibility.
- Post starter
- #5
Hi @Sadie !
I am in a similar situation , but he is not a partner, just my best friend.
He has isolated from more than two months now, with zero contact. He just answered me a message last week in which I ask him if he was still my friend or if he has decided to end the friendship, and he told me I am still your friend but I can speak with nobody now. He doesnt understand why I am sad about the isolation(we used to speak a little almost everyday before the isolation, so I miss him a lot). And again the silence. Is difficult for me but the message gives me hope that he has not completely gone
He told me at the beginning of the isolation that he is under a lot of stress and a traumatic situation. The isolating began because he was acting weird (he cancelled my visit to his city), I knew something was happening to him and I pressured him to speak about It.(I was thinking It was only a little problem, that is because I pressured) Big mistake. So if he doesnt want to speak about It, just respect him, dont pressure
I make myself the same question. Why he is isolating from me, if I am suposed to be the best friend, and not from other people in the work or other Friends? Maybe is because I am not a friend for small Talk and I cares a lot about him and try to help him, and that is a trigger for him, but I dont know
What I have learned is that is better not to pressure him and is better to wait until he is able to come back. Uncertainty is very difficult for me. What happen if he never come back? But in the past, in other isolating episodes, he came back.
So I have the Hope that he Will come back
To be in this forum helps me a lot with the anxiety
I send you a hug
I am in a similar situation , but he is not a partner, just my best friend.
He has isolated from more than two months now, with zero contact. He just answered me a message last week in which I ask him if he was still my friend or if he has decided to end the friendship, and he told me I am still your friend but I can speak with nobody now. He doesnt understand why I am sad about the isolation(we used to speak a little almost everyday before the isolation, so I miss him a lot). And again the silence. Is difficult for me but the message gives me hope that he has not completely gone
He told me at the beginning of the isolation that he is under a lot of stress and a traumatic situation. The isolating began because he was acting weird (he cancelled my visit to his city), I knew something was happening to him and I pressured him to speak about It.(I was thinking It was only a little problem, that is because I pressured) Big mistake. So if he doesnt want to speak about It, just respect him, dont pressure
I make myself the same question. Why he is isolating from me, if I am suposed to be the best friend, and not from other people in the work or other Friends? Maybe is because I am not a friend for small Talk and I cares a lot about him and try to help him, and that is a trigger for him, but I dont know
What I have learned is that is better not to pressure him and is better to wait until he is able to come back. Uncertainty is very difficult for me. What happen if he never come back? But in the past, in other isolating episodes, he came back.
So I have the Hope that he Will come back
To be in this forum helps me a lot with the anxiety
I send you a hug
S
Seatheroad
Hi I can say that in my own walk a bout. First my wife supported this. I did just text once in a few weeks. I did find a group on the walk about. My walk about is on going but for shorter trips. The first one I was full of anxiety that I would fail. To your question how long 8 mouths 
. Did I find myself not fully. It's still on going . In the group one day visited a habitat of lost dogs. Sitting out side a number of dogs came out to join us. This was not in my plans on understand me. A small girl came over sat with us did not interact with us. Yet after hour she just climbed into my lap and fell asleep. She has been with me now two years we do go back to this retreat each year for help and Training. She has saved me and my wife. Remember she picked me she is a wash out service dog they say. But me she my closest friend yes. I hope he finds a group that can help him.
. Did I find myself not fully. It's still on going . In the group one day visited a habitat of lost dogs. Sitting out side a number of dogs came out to join us. This was not in my plans on understand me. A small girl came over sat with us did not interact with us. Yet after hour she just climbed into my lap and fell asleep. She has been with me now two years we do go back to this retreat each year for help and Training. She has saved me and my wife. Remember she picked me she is a wash out service dog they say. But me she my closest friend yes. I hope he finds a group that can help him.
LuckiLee
VIP Member
You don't know where he is? Do you know if he is communicating with anyone? Friends/family/coworkers?
- Moderator
- #9
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
It’s more than just missing somebody… it’s terrifying if your loved one is having a mental health issue and just disappears. From the supporter side it sucks to wonder if they’re safe and to not know whether or not they’ll come back.
It’s all well and good to respect their needs, but yours count too. It’s ok to be sad, angry, and confused. Especially if you share a life and you’re stuck holding the fort down while in a panicky holding pattern.
It’s all well and good to respect their needs, but yours count too. It’s ok to be sad, angry, and confused. Especially if you share a life and you’re stuck holding the fort down while in a panicky holding pattern.
- Post starter
- #10
- Moderator
- #11
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
Give yourself some of the grace you give him.
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