I was set and ready for my appointment yesterday to see my tdoc, I even was easing in without being panicky about only 10 minutes early instead of my usual 30 minutes - I'm obsessive about being early or rather fearful about being late for anything. I had even stopped at the drug store to finally get a few greeting cards for those loved ones I always think about sending cards to but end up calling instead. I have some kind of "postal phobia" or something, at least that's what we've always jokingly called it, I'm terrible about sending cards, presents, etc. in the past but great at picking up the phone. So I was feeling pretty good about having done this. I'm getting better.
I had just sat down when my tdoc called me back in and she has a wall where there are pictures with children smiling so I usually take a bottle of water and look at them before going back. This day I was quick to do it and went back. I thought I was in control and going to pay my co-pay upfront like I always do to get it out of the way, I was pulling out and started "shooting the breeze" but before I knew it I was twisted up crying. I explained what had happened this past weekend but that sometimes I get concerned I put my husband in jeopardy because I am a fighter not flighter. Did I make a big mistake getting involved with him?? Will I end up bringing a fight to him and getting him hurt?
Am I burden??
She asked do I believe him when he says I am not. I told her "no, I don't." She said I'm going to have to either believe he is the nice, honest man I say he is or not. I know he is. I said I don't know, it sounds easy but it FEELS impossible. She asked me if I want to know why. I said yes. She said that all my relationships growing up were boundary violated, sexually, emotionally, physically. I know this. but somewhere in there when she said something about body identification or meshing my ears popped and I was incredibly dizzy for a second, like I was on a roller coaster ride. I felt like I was going to throw up, I can't throw up, my stomach will bleed. I had to leave. I told her that was it! Time to go. Same time next week, got to go. I gave her the copay and set up a time.
For some odd reason she was smiling and I wanted to knock her head off! I wasn't really mad at her and I had to ask her why or I knew I wouldn't come back. I ask her if she thought this was funny. She said oh no! She said that I made a break through. I was trying to control my anger, keep it from becoming rage, the noise was so loud, I was knocking myself into control mode - call this dr that dr don't them give the run around, take control somewhere!! I told her I feel like it was a terrible set back that I don't feel good about it at all. She said it was very good don't worry so I decided to shut the door on it completely. This is the first time I am able to look at it. It scares me because I can't fall apart while trying to handle what is going on, I have to trust her, I do trust her, I must believe her. She's been right so far.
......
I had just sat down when my tdoc called me back in and she has a wall where there are pictures with children smiling so I usually take a bottle of water and look at them before going back. This day I was quick to do it and went back. I thought I was in control and going to pay my co-pay upfront like I always do to get it out of the way, I was pulling out and started "shooting the breeze" but before I knew it I was twisted up crying. I explained what had happened this past weekend but that sometimes I get concerned I put my husband in jeopardy because I am a fighter not flighter. Did I make a big mistake getting involved with him?? Will I end up bringing a fight to him and getting him hurt?
Am I burden??
She asked do I believe him when he says I am not. I told her "no, I don't." She said I'm going to have to either believe he is the nice, honest man I say he is or not. I know he is. I said I don't know, it sounds easy but it FEELS impossible. She asked me if I want to know why. I said yes. She said that all my relationships growing up were boundary violated, sexually, emotionally, physically. I know this. but somewhere in there when she said something about body identification or meshing my ears popped and I was incredibly dizzy for a second, like I was on a roller coaster ride. I felt like I was going to throw up, I can't throw up, my stomach will bleed. I had to leave. I told her that was it! Time to go. Same time next week, got to go. I gave her the copay and set up a time.
For some odd reason she was smiling and I wanted to knock her head off! I wasn't really mad at her and I had to ask her why or I knew I wouldn't come back. I ask her if she thought this was funny. She said oh no! She said that I made a break through. I was trying to control my anger, keep it from becoming rage, the noise was so loud, I was knocking myself into control mode - call this dr that dr don't them give the run around, take control somewhere!! I told her I feel like it was a terrible set back that I don't feel good about it at all. She said it was very good don't worry so I decided to shut the door on it completely. This is the first time I am able to look at it. It scares me because I can't fall apart while trying to handle what is going on, I have to trust her, I do trust her, I must believe her. She's been right so far.
......
