Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

It's Thursday. More months have passed. Really. That's what it feels like. I had a day of utter insanity that was all my fault because I was in full-tilt trying to meet everyone's needs but my own. The worst part is that I realized it, but was utterly incapable of stemming the tide. I hate this multiple consciousness thing...this is the worst symptom of PTSD for me...I'm aware of my current reality in a rather balanced and observant way; I'm overwhelmed by energies that drive me from my past to send me self-destructive messages that lead me to re-enact my younger days; and I'm aware of how completely dysfunctional this disjunction is. And I feel helpless to do anything about it. I am truly caught in a vicious cycle that I cannot seem to break.

Tomorrow, I am going to Maine for a weekend by myself. I was in a place today where I had a full plan to drive up to a particular place and climb the mountain. Then, I left work and walked to my car, and the pain was so excruciating I had to lean against another car in the parking lot. How the hell I think I'm going to climb a mountain, I don't know, but I feel compelled to do it. I'm still planning on it. Something in me is absolutely convinced that if I force myself I will get over this craziness that has taken over my life.

Part of me knows this is all driven by triggers of the last 48 hours. But that part is too weak to fight against the other parts.

My uncle, who always seemed to be my "safe" person in childhood, but who has become less and less so through my adolescent and adult and middle-aged years, is almost as crazy as my mother. At least in terms of completely invalidating my experience as an adult human being with thoughts and wishes and experiences of my own. He completely and utterly confuses me. What he says doesn't match up with any logic. And then he denies saying things he said. And when I call him on it, he gets angry.

Yesterday when I was trying to tell him a bit about what I have been going through, he asked no questions at all, and basically implied that I am making my mother feel guilty by trying to answer her endlessly persistent questions about how I got this way. And yet, I know he loves me deeply and cares about me. But to him, I am nothing but a small child who needs to be guided and shaped. It is a long and boring story that I will not tell even here. Too involved and detailed and boring. I got a dose of both him and my mother yesterday and today, and it has sent me spinning between multiple realities of now and past. It has left parts of me feeling that I am manufacturing all this problem and that I just need to suck it up and get it together.

On top of all the craziness of the past two days, today, my boss indicated it was time to talk about contracts for the summer and the coming year. He knows I have this PTSD thing and has been very accommodating (I am so lucky in that). At some point in the quick meeting I said to him, "I'm not doing so well right now, can we meet next week?" and he said, "Yes, I've noticed." That completely freaks me out as I THOUGHT I had been managing to appear relatively normal at work. I don't know what I am going to do about my job. That flips me out too. We need my income to make ends meet (we barely do as it is). Yet, I suspect I will not be able to negotiate a full-time contract for the coming year given my track record this year. I have major decisions coming my way within the next week or two...that is very stressful.

Sigh. There is so much going on inside me and in my external life that my brain feels like it is going to explode. Just trying to do one thing at a time. So, after this, the next step is to go and talk with my husband for a bit, say goodnight to my daughter, greet my son and find out how his benefit performance went this evening, and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe it will be better.

 

[Pietro]

It has left parts of me feeling that I am manufacturing all this problem and that I just need to suck it up and get it together.

Is it possible that he hasn't changed all that much, but you have? As you've gotten older and more independent, maybe he's become less comfortable that you are no longer that child that can guided and shaped. Maybe that was OK when you were 12, but less so when 22, and increasingly less so since.

This is exactly the dynamic between me and my mother. At first, I thought she had just changed into the childish, semi-narcissistic person she is today. But, over time, I realized that it's really me who's changed, that I no longer accept being her caretaker or her general view of the world, which is negative and has her as a perpetual victim. It's actually been very disappointing to realize that my mother is, emotionally, little more than an 8 yo, oftentimes.

Regardless, it's always difficult to turn these perspectives around with your elders. You've grown-up respecting them and relying on them; this is, I think, a big part of one's security mechanism. Then, all of a sudden, you find that they are actually like children, and that you've outgrown them. This sucks. ;) Because now it means that what was once a safe haven is fading away, which means that, now, you have to be an adult with no net to fall back on, other than whatever you create for yourself. (The latter part is where I have, thus far, failed miserably.)

In any case, you aren't manufacturing anything, in my opinion. What you are sensing is real, and the feelings you're having are reasonable. They deserve your compassion. :)

Tomorrow, I am going to Maine for a weekend by myself.

Lucky! :D

There is so much going on inside me and in my external life that my brain feels like it is going to explode.

And here I've been complaining about my crap for the last two weeks, like I'm the only one who has lots of crap. ;) I'm really sorry about all of this. Concerns regarding job security are a big trigger for me, because they tap into so many areas that are affected by self-esteem and security. Crossing my fingers (hey, this is more powerful than you think!) for you as you negotiate your job. :)

 

[Hope4Now]

It was really nice to get your reply tonight. After I posted I went to lie in the floor (one of the things that relieves back and leg pain). I had another massive body flashback kind of thing. I think these are bits of memory that are evolving because they are getting more intense and more specifically expressive of...well I don't know really, but clearly I am trying to protect myself/fight something off. It is totally surreal. For the second time, this happened while my husband was sound asleep on the bed, just a door or two away from me and some part of me was fully present and observing what was happening. I think I will have to talk to my therapist about these body things in much more specific terms than I have before.

You mentioned peter Levine. I know his work. I have looked for a "somatic experiencing" therapist thinking this might be useful to me. I am a bit at loose ends about how to deal with all this. I feel like it is out of my control, like I'm on a roller coaster ride that I don't know how it will end.

We'll see how tomorrow goes. Yikes.

 

[Pietro]

As you said, you need to talk to your therapist -- if for no other reason, to get some peace of mind by sharing these episodes with someone who can give you some knowledgeable feedback. This has got to be damned scary.

When I first started trauma therapy, I was shocked at the darkness that lies deep the mind of someone who's been traumatized. Yes, all of these episodes are just memories -- shadows of things from the past. But, handled poorly, they can cause re-traumatization. This is one of the reasons it's so important to be careful about how memories are retrieved, and at what pace.

clearly I am trying to protect myself/fight something off

That was my impression from what you described previously. That's exactly the type of event Peter Levine discusses with regard to "somatic experiencing" (I couldn't remember this term until you mentioned it ;) ). He would suggest helping the movements to flow -- letting them finish the path of movement they were attempting to follow, but were possibly prevented from doing. By doing this, latent somatic memories are finally processed fully, which can sometimes subsequently unlock visual/emotional memories. Sounds like a game of cloak and dagger to me. ;)

 

[Hope4Now]

I am finally alone at the beach house. There's not much left as the sale goes through this week. I have a chair, a light, and a bed. My uncle, who has wanted to sell the place practically since he bought it decades ago, seemed relieved after a walk through with the buyer (a neighbor for decades too). His angst over the past few weeks really seeped into me, and I'm glad he finally left this afternoon.

This will be my last time at this place...a place I have been coming to visit for 47 years and which holds mostly the only good memories of my youth. I have been very lucky and privileged to have had the opportunity to spend time here. Part of me feels tremendous guilt over how sad I am to lose access to a place that most people would never have had the opportunity to enjoy in the first place. What right have I to grieve? I want to, though, because I am sad.

It is the only place I remember my mother and father being somewhat happy--if not together, at least individually. It holds my favorite image of my father (sitting in a rocker on the porch, with coffee and the paper, gazing at the sea). And my favorite image of my mother, in her tennis garb and toting her oh-so-perfectly monogrammed canvas bag, tripping off to slaughter all the other summer ladies with her indefatigable (and obsessive) efforts on the courts. Part of me is happy to have these memories because they reflect my parents' feelings of joy and accomplishment, and I'm glad they had moments of that.

I'm glad I had a weekend alone here in March. It was transformational for me and I will never forget it. It fueled my hope that I can heal from this PTSD and the soup of other diagnoses I probably qualify for as well. (My therapist mentioned conversion disorder on Friday, and then said he didn't want to put a lot of labels on me unless it was useful...I don't know if I qualify for an attachment disorder or a dissociative disorder but I'm probably in the ballpark with those too).

So tonight I have been writing in my journal, meditating, resting. A bit ago, I drew a map of all my protector parts and how they relate. Apparently, not much healing is going to happen from my trauma until I can reassure and manage these parts. If the map is any indication, I've got lots of work ahead of me on that front. I am imagining my therapist's eyes spinning when he looks at it. Both because of its complexity and because I actually took the time to make it.

The body flashbacks continue. My therapist said at some point memory may attach to them. Who knows?

The other thing I did a bit ago was make images of two of my inner child parts. One that appeared in a flashback about 2 weeks ago, and another that was actually revealed by another child part (a 3-year old "caretaker") a few months back. Doing this was an interesting experience. First, it seemed to give substance to things I've only seen in my mind. This is actually very helpful. Second, I was able to use my artistic skill somewhat freely. No paint, but did one in pastel and the other in oil crayon. It felt good, even if the content is somewhat disturbing (these are not cute inner children; they are in deep pain).

Now, I am listening to music, typing this entry, and enjoying a wee dram of something I purchased for this very evening.

I wish I could have a good cry, but it seems unlikely. Not only am I saying farewell to this place I will so deeply miss, but I have also acknowledged it is time to give up on my mother and my uncle in the same way I gave up on my father about 10 years before he died. I cannot make them happy, no matter what I do. I have destroyed myself for all my decades of sentient life trying to do so. It's time to give up the hope that I will ever have the kind of relationship with them I wish I could. This makes me very sad...especially about my uncle. Perhaps, though, letting go of these efforts will help me heal. To focus on who I am, rather than on trying to turn myself into who they want me to be.

Sigh. It feels rather late in life to be coming to all these insights. I hope I can grow in good ways from it all and not devolve further into chaos. I did finally admit to myself yesterday that I am sick. And that it is okay...it is what it is and I need to stop fighting myself with fear and hatred and start nurturing myself with more compassion. That my self-hatred and all the rest are symptoms just as much as is the pain and the flashbacks and the exhaustion are.

So, there's that. What's next?

 

[Pietro]

I have also acknowledged it is time to give up on my mother and my uncle in the same way I gave up on my father about 10 years before he died. I cannot make them happy, no matter what I do. I have destroyed myself for all my decades of sentient life trying to do so. It's time to give up the hope that I will ever have the kind of relationship with them I wish I could. This makes me very sad...especially about my uncle. Perhaps, though, letting go of these efforts will help me heal. To focus on who I am, rather than on trying to turn myself into who they want me to be.

Pretty profound insight. There is a type of mourning that occurs, I think, over such realizations -- growing pains. But I've found that it actually feels good to be able to mourn, grieve -- something I never let myself do in the past. It's a type of relief, after which, you'll be more able to deal with your mother and uncle, or not. :) As you said, though, you spent most of your life focusing on their wants and needs, so you've done everything you could for them. Nothing wrong with focusing on yourself, now.

It feels rather late in life to be coming to all these insights.

Yeah, it sucks. I've lost most of my life to living in a bucket, surrounded by fear. But I guess these realizations only occur if and when we're ready for them. Maybe that makes us lucky -- I suspect that many people never become ready, never open themselves up to allow reflection on what makes them unhappy, and to deal with the consequent pain. In fact, I know several people like this -- all highly intelligent, dynamic people, but in complete denial that they need to do anything about their misery.

That my self-hatred and all the rest are symptoms just as much as is the pain and the flashbacks and the exhaustion are.

I think this is true.

So, there's that. What's next?

Well, uh, I was hoping you knew. ;)

 

[Hope4Now]

Your last comment made me laugh out loud :)

 

[Hope4Now]

Last night and today have been very difficult. I awakened in a body flashback several times through the night, and they have been coming like waves all day. I have been trying to rest in between and do some loving kindness meditation. I feel raw and sad and exhausted. Eating a bit helped (I realized I hadn't eaten much of anything for almost 24 hours...a good argument for my return to my family whose schedule reminds me to do that!)

I am eeking out my last moments here. Found a fabulous rock on the beach that looks like a dolphin...quite startling really...I was looking for heart-shaped sea rocks which I vaguely collect when they appear, and then I saw this. I will take it as some kind of sign, as most everything these days seems to be a sign of something. It sure makes life interesting.

I just said goodbye to the neighbor from Ottowa who came over to borrow some ice. I just finished two not-very good pencil portraits...one of my therapist (!? Not sure why I did that one) and one of my three year old self. Rather dissatisfying because I am not so adept at faces...never seem to be able to capture the essence of the person.

I'm listening to my music mix for the umpteenth time, having a wee dram, and getting ready to watch the sunset before I go home. Will so some more journal work before I go.

I'm realizing that I really need this kind of extended time with no responsibility if I am going to continue to progress in this healing. This and some very specific additional bits that I need to figure out where to find. I need some kind of therapy that weds body and mind in an actual physical way...not just body awareness like somatic stuff and yoga...actual touch and holding. I don't think I am able to learn to feel
safe in my body without it. I am stuck in terror mode...not sure I've ever been completely out of it. It relaxes occasionally in certain circumstances, but not long enough or consistently enough to rewire my nervous system. I wish this kind of intervention were not so controversial in psychotherapy. I'm terrified to ask my therapist if he would consider trying it. Afraid I will alienate him and afraid the answer will be no and I don't know where else to get this need met. I guess it is an attachment need...that hole in the self I talked about ages ago. I'm less ashamed of this need than I used to be, so there's progress!

I'm nervous about heading home. My husband is in a bad place that I don't understand...has been for a while now. Part of it is me, but there's a lot of other stuff going on with him too. I am very worried about him and want him to see someone...both for his sake and for mine so that I don't fall in to his stuff as is my habitual mode.

I'm getting closer to deciding that I need to put the wheels in motion to apply for short term disability from my job. I cannot go to work when I'm flashing back the way I am so frequently. This is a big deal decision. But my friend, M, reminded me at lunch on Friday that if I had some other health issue, it would be a no-brainer. The problem I have with it is that I can force myself to do what's needed, but I know it will make me sicker. But I CAN do it, unlike if I were in the hospital with cancer, or had broken my legs and arms and couldn't do it. The part of me that drives me until I drop is getting activated as I think on this notion of time off. And the part of me that is hyper-independent hates the idea of needing financial and emotional support through the process. Maybe I will just try to push through until the end of June. I have not taken on any work for July and August. Trying to keep it that way, but it is hard, because there's so much needing to be done.

 

[Pietro]

I'm realizing that I really need this kind of extended time with no responsibility if I am going to continue to progress in this healing.

I think this is absolutely true. On my non-kid weekends, though, I engage in a mixture of alternate responsibilities (all the crap I couldn't do when I had my kids) and dissociation from being so burned-out. I do try to journal, and I am more likely to get communication from my "inners", but it's not like what you did, which is much more focused and without other distractions and worries.

My husband is in a bad place that I don't understand...has been for a while now. Part of it is me, but there's a lot of other stuff going on with him too. I am very worried about him and want him to see someone...both for his sake and for mine so that I don't fall in to his stuff as is my habitual mode.

IMHO, even if he didn't have his own stuff going-on, he should probably be seeing someone, at least occasionally, to make sure that he's getting support to help you deal with the PTSD. If he's having his own issues, all the more reason for him to see someone.

It could be the case, too, that your situation is triggering his own issues in some way. Things like this happen between spouses; it happened between me and my ex all the time. ;) She started taking an SSRI medication, at one point, and, suddenly, she became June Cleaver (it was short lived ;) ). When this happened, I should have been thrilled! Instead, I became incredibly miserable, and eventually started on meds myself, not long after that.

In any case, dealing with any kind of illness has to be done as a partnership. It can't just be you fighting-off all of your demons alone and your spouse pretending blindness to all of it -- and vice versa. That's a dangerous thing to do for a marriage -- secrecy pushes you apart, even if you think you're doing it to protect the other person. Of course, taking marriage advice from a divorced guy probably isn't the best idea in the world. ;)

I'm getting closer to deciding that I need to put the wheels in motion to apply for short term disability from my job.

This is a courageous decision. It takes a lot of courage to make an investment in yourself, especially when you're plagued with self-loathing as we are. ;) And a lot of courage to trust that this will result in a positive outcome, and, thus, is worth putting life on hold.

I haven't had this courage. Not sure I could do it, financially, and it would be put a major dent in my ability to get a job thereafter (employers don't like work gaps -- stupid, but true). But I have to say that having 1 to 3 months of being able to focus solely on my needs, and catching-up on fixing things in my life, would probably be life-changing.

 

[Hope4Now]

I do try to journal, and I am more likely to get communication from my "inners", but it's not like what you did, which is much more focused and without other distractions and worries.

Sometimes I think the way you are doing it is probably healthier. I've fallen into my own nightmare just like I fall into other people's. Except now I feel ashamed of myself because it's my own stuff. I've always been just too intense, all or nothing, about everything I do. This is no different. I have got to get my act together because I'm falling into the black hole.

It could be the case, too, that your situation is triggering his own issues in some way. Things like this happen between spouses; it happened between me and my ex all the time.

Yes, I think this is true. He goes 1000 miles an hour always, until he burns out. A bit like me in some ways. He has taken on a lot of the practical stuff I haven't been able to do, and that has just added another 100 miles onto his system. On top of all my stuff, this past year has been filled with dozens of wildly stressful events that have left us both reeling. But I can't even get him to go to the doctor to deal with his horrible cough, much less try another therapist. He went for four sessions with one person, but it wasn't a good match and he doesn't seem to have it in him to try again. I wish he would.

In any case, dealing with any kind of illness has to be done as a partnership. It can't just be you fighting-off all of your demons alone and your spouse pretending blindness to all of it -- and vice versa. That's a dangerous thing to do for a marriage -- secrecy pushes you apart, even if you think you're doing it to protect the other person.

This is very true. I am trying hard to spit out information to him about what is going on with me. And he has shared some stuff with me. We are stumbling through this, both committed to staying together. At some point we will have to do some couples work, I think, but I can't handle that right now on top of everything else.

Thank you for your ever-present kindness and wisdom, my friend.

 

[Pietro]

I have got to get my act together because I'm falling into the black hole.

My therapist constantly reiterates to me that, if possible, processing must be managed -- meaning that you take control, to the degree possible, of how much emotional malaise you can tolerate, and when it can occur. Has your therapist talked to you about this possibility?

She has actually said to me to tell my "inners" what and when. This has largely worked for me. But it also depends, I think, upon the intensity of the emotion. If the malaise is such that it's beginning to envelope your entire thought process, then I think this would be very, very difficult to do. I know that, at the worst times of my own experience, it's very hard to separate my "adult" from the emotion of all of the "inners". My adult simply wants to side with them, accept their version of the truth.

Regardless of all this meta-cognitive horse-hockey (thank you, Colonel Potter, for that term), if you feel that the black hole is sucking you in, you should definitely discuss this with your therapist. It is a bad, bad place.

We are stumbling through this, both committed to staying together.

You're right, this may be all you can do, right now. But that commitment means a lot. I might still be married if commitment had been as important in my marriage.

You deserve good things -- you and your husband are good people. All of the emotional crap we have to deal with was dumped on us by others, because they couldn't find the strength within themselves to control it. Very unfair, if you ask me (a fact that causes me to have some serious religious issues ;) ). I hope that things ease-up for you both. I hope that you can steer away from the black hole and find a more manageable place. :hug:

 

[Hope4Now]

I'm a MASH fan too!

I think my husband was abducted by aliens today and replaced with a lookalike. He wanted to go out to dinner. He chose a local place we have never been to in the 23 years we have lived here. We realize quite quickly why we had never gone there, so decided to have a drink and an appetizer only. I figured we would go home after. But then we went to a different place (one I like) and sat and talked for another hour or so. About real stuff, not just practical life management. It was good connecting. He is nervous that I want to leave him! I think I reassured him. Then, practical life ended the evening...our daughter texted and I answered, and he got on his phone and got whacked out by an email from work, then completely shut down again. I hate mobile phones sometimes.

On the black hole stuff, you are so right. I'm hanging onto the edge though. Today, I wrote a long post about what is going on with me, but then deleted it because it was just too detailed and personal. I'm at a critical place right now and trying very hard to stay grounded in the present. It is very, very difficult.