Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

It has been another intense week. I am very glad it is Friday. I had hoped to go out to see some music tonight, but I forgot that my son had another performance (his friend wrote a play and there was a staged reading tonight). He forgot his shoes, so my husband drove them over and stayed for the performance. I opted to stay here with my daughter to watch the season finale of "Once Upon a Time."

I am better today than I have been all week. On Monday, I had a flashback in my therapy session. That was both exhausting and embarrassing. On Monday night I had a really long flashback that lasted for hours. My family thought I was asleep, but I wasn't. When I finally went to bed, I had a very intense dream that relates in some way to all the stuff I'm going through. Tuesday was okay in that I went to work, and one of my inner children decided to "tell" me quite a bit about her feelings about her parents. That was good in terms of healing, but pretty intense as well. Wednesday was a complete disaster. I got up, drove carpool, and was all ready to drive to work when I felt another flashback coming on and fought the good fight to keep it from overtaking me. Over the course of several hours I did just about every grounding strategy I could think of. Finally, it faded. I was exhausted, so I decided to lie on the bed for a few minutes. I don't know what happened then, but something between drowsing and trance. I was grateful that I came out of it in enough time to get to my daughter's school to pick her up. I felt like you do when you have a really high fever and then it breaks. When I got up, everything looked different.

I spoke with my therapist on Wednesday night and described what happened. He said it sounded like I was pretty dissociated. I guess I was. Thursday, I was determined to stay present. I went to work, was vaguely productive, went home, got dressed up for an event I attended with my husband. I have been avoiding these big social things we used to do...can't remember when I last went to one, but I know I've bowed out on 6 or 8 in the last month or so. This event was a small one, and I know all the people at least passingly. What was really hard is that so many people were asking me why I was limping and what was wrong. I appreciate that people care, but I can't begin to say how stressful it is to have to lie about it. I need a new lie, I think. The problem is, I say I have a back problem that is interfering with my ability to walk or stand. Then I end up in endless conversations in which people share all the possible solutions for healing back pain. It is really nice on their parts, but exhausting to keep up the front of being grateful and interested when I have actually already tried just about everything they say. Sometimes I'm sorely tempted to just tell the whole bloody truth. But the LAST thing I want to do is be one of those middle-aged women who can't talk about anything but their personal problems. (I keep that for my therapist and this forum :) )

So, by the end of the evening, I was so ready to leave, but my husband was running the event and we had to stay to the bitter end. He drove the car around to pick me up from the entrance. Heels make walking even harder...I am not a high heel person (more of a Birkenstock person) but I put on the costumes when I have to. I got into the car, and the next thing I knew, I was crying. I cried all the way home. My husband was very sweet and supportive, holding my hand as we drove. I have no idea why I was crying. When we got home, I felt another flashback coming on and did some yoga to see if I could fend it off. That made me really dizzy. So I went to bed.

Today, I saw my therapist and we had a kind of odd session. Talked mostly about my external life, and managing my mother and my uncle. After I left I had a lot of trouble staying focused and could not go to work. I wasn't really in a flashback...more like fighting off dissociation. I got a last minute appointment to see my massage therapist--she did a relaxation massage and cranial sacral, and it really helped me reintegrate. I also had an interesting insight about one of my inner parts during the session.

I really really hope that all this intense energy calms down soon. I think something has been stirred up/loosened up in my psyche and something in me just isn't ready to process it yet. But damn, I want to. Managing all this is so very difficult. I am looking forward to a slow weekend. I hope it will not be so fraught with all this stuff.

 

[Hope4Now]

So far, the slow weekend is happening reasonably well. Slow in terms of our family's usual pace that is. Somehow, so far, I have been managing to stay present, and to manage some of the energy that overtakes me without falling into it completely.

Yesterday morning did not bode well. I had things I wanted to do, as did my husband. The weird uptight negative energy in the family had started swirling by 10 AM, but nobody was talking about it. I could feel it and decided to try to address it with my husband so we didn't lose the whole day in mutual isolation because of it. We sat at the kitchen table, and I opened up the conversation. He was resistant at first, very anxious to leap into just doing something (mow the lawn in this case), but I told him I wanted a plan. We had a go-round on that (he is impulsive...plans make him anxious...he likes to just jump into something with both feet). I told him I needed to know a plan, any plan, so we could figure out how to work together. Then his floodgates opened and he began venting about all kinds of things...the main theme of which is that he wants to do stuff together as a family and feels like nobody is doing anything to support him or taking any responsibility in the house (this was aimed at our kids who were not part of this conversation).

I started off being quite reactive, and a bit defensive about the kids (I mean, really, how many teens are going to enthusiastically embrace a day of cleaning and yardwork? "Oh, yay, Daddy, please let me pick up all the dog poop and spend six hours weeding and spreading mulch! I'd love to contribute in this way to our wonderful family!" LOL. My husband just doesn't get this sometimes. That other people have things they want to do as well...that a miserable activity trumps the simple pleasure of hanging out as a family. Anyway, it erupted briefly into an argument (which is always very triggering to me) but I suddenly realized that I needed to just be quiet and listen to him with compassion and presence in the moment, because he had a lot going on. He vented for almost 30 minutes with me just listening and affirming and occasionally offering a non-confrontational reality check. I found the secret! He's not mad at ME. He's just mad at the world and needs to dump. What started out miserably ended up positively, and a plan for the day was hatched. It wasn't perfect. It didn't all get done. But it was good enough.

In the afternoon, I took my mother to her church, then went to the beach and did a meditation while I was waiting for her. The was good and much needed because my pain was excruciating. I brought her back to our house to join with us and my in-laws for the Memorial Day lobster feast my husband prepared. First lobbies of the season! (We usually do the first on May Day, my husband's birthday...but I blew that one this year and still feel guilty about it.) I managed to re-set my kids--and to some extent myself--from my mother's criticisms (she is unbelievable) before I drove her home.

After I dropped her off, I had to pull over to the side of the road because all the pent up stress of the day started exploding out. I really started to fall apart, but pulled out of it enough to drive home. I sat in the driveway at home for a while in an odd state (a whole new feeling...I have no clue what it was...partly dissociated, partly in body flashback, partly just introspective...I seem to be getting more and more weird experiences). Then I had an incredible moment.

I can't describe it because it was so visceral...so physical and emotional at the same time. It related to a "vision" I had during my cranial-sacral therapy session on Friday afternoon. I have an inner "part" that appeared to me very violently and upsettingly in the late fall. I've been calling it "the thing," because it is devastating to behold. It also has penetrating eyes that seem to be begging for help, but I can't do anything. It is not an inner child. I think it is some reflection of my present self. I couldn't even let it enter my consciousness until it started getting very active about 3 weeks ago. Anyway, the incredible moment was, I think, an integration of sorts in which "the thing" connected with me, and I felt a very strange sensation all through my sacrum and wild energy pulsing through my whole body. It was a weird but good experience that left me feeling very different. I have some sense of the significance of it, but the really interesting thing is that my pain levels have decreased profoundly. So, maybe I'm finally onto something. I'm trying to spend some time tuning into this energy again today. And planting zillions of veggies and herbs, finally.

I am almost happy today. I like getting dirty outside (makes me feel like the kid I am) and planting things that will grow. Tonight we'll join our friends at the local Irish Pub to sing some good songs with some great musician friends and acquaintances. It is such a heartlift when these people come together and make music...banjos, fiddles, squeezboxes, boudhrains, whistles, and--best of all--voices. And many people in the pub actually SING and this makes me very happy. Far happier than the stouts I drink there. And I am extra happy that tomorrow is a holiday. I see my therapist, so will probably end up unraveling again, but for now, I'm enjoying life a bit for a change. Yay me.

 

[Hope4Now]

Wow. 11:18 PM and still feeling happy-ish. This is a record.

Just watched a stunningly awful movie called Visioneers (a "comic dystopia" according to Netflix...that's quite an oxymoron). I don't know why I sat through the whole thing other than that I am an addict of dystopias. This one ranks around the bottom somewhere.

Whatever happened to my pain last night has pretty much kept happening. Except for the occasional bad moments and collapsing leg things, it has stayed much eased up. Enough that I walked with my husband to the pub tonight and back.

Tomorrow, I am going to make the bicycle attempt. I really hope I can do it.

Wow, would I like this feeling to stay with me for a while longer. Not very buddhist of me, but I'm trying hard to hang onto it!

 

[Hope4Now]

Except for kale and chard, my community garden is planted. Heirloom and cherry tomatoes, bush beans, pole beans, snap peas and sugar peas, cukes, and two kinds of squash. Harvested a ton of fresh oregano, chives, and sage. Got up early and did most of it in the rain this morning. It was actually quite peaceful. Sadly, the pain is back, but still not quite as bad. I was determined to take my bike out today and see if I could ride it. I DID IT! Pedaled like an old lady, but did it! I even rode to my therapist's appointment today (not very far away, but still). It was not too painful...a little shaky but doable and safe I think. I hope I can keep doing this. I think it would be good for me to get outside and move.

I'm not as happy-ish as yesterday, but am still okay. Had a hard session with my therapist doing some kind of intense work that wasn't quite over when the session was over. So I ended up sitting in the stairwell for 20 minutes afterward pulling myself together. Managed it okay although I have a lot to think about/feel about/write about later...it's not over yet. I've had to put that off a bit because I am helping my daughter study for her math test and then we're going to a friends' for a potluck memorial day picnic. I think it will be just a small group of us, so that's a relief. If we can survive interpreting histograms for 6th grade math that is. Whether we can is highly questionable as my daughter just took off on her bicycle in frustration.

Thankfully, I think my system has decided to give me a little break from so much extreme/intense processing. So, when my inner children calm down a little, my 3D children explode. AAARGH.

 

[Pietro]

I was determined to take my bike out today and see if I could ride it. I DID IT!

Congratulations! Bikes are cool. :cool:

Except when used by teenagers to escape obligations. I laughed in sympathy at this -- this is a frequent occurrence with both my kids. They don't usually take-off on their bikes, but use other means to avoid whatever they don't feel like doing, or whatever causes them anxiety.

So, when my inner children calm down a little, my 3D children explode. AAARGH.

Alas, no rest for the weary. This is often my lot as well.

So I ended up sitting in the stairwell for 20 minutes afterward pulling myself together. Managed it okay although I have a lot to think about/feel about/write about later...it's not over yet.

Sorry you're going through this, today. I hope the evening pot luck calms the edges of it a bit. :)

 

[Hope4Now]

Except when used by teenagers to escape obligations. I laughed in sympathy at this -- this is a frequent occurrence with both my kids. They don't usually take-off on their bikes, but use other means to avoid whatever they don't feel like doing, or whatever causes them anxiety.

At least the bike is better than what my son used to do--run out the door screaming that he was going to kill himself.
Sometimes I just hate schools and schooling.
I wish we lived on an island somewhere where there were no grades and no tests and no excruciating social expectations.

My happy place is gone. No surprise, it was seeping away all day. Had a perfectly nice external evening, but the incoming tide of what was leftover from my therapy session was already swamping me before we left our friends' house. It has flooded me off and on all night, but I'm not drowning completely. Just trying to be with all the images and feelings and somehow not drown...remind myself that I do know how to swim. Hard work keeping my head above water. I could use a good strong hand to keep me afloat. The stuff that is emerging from my psyche is intense and makes me feel like a crazy person. It's like a living nightmare. At least part of me is aware of how bizarre this all is. I am living in a surrealist film.

 

[Pietro]

Sometimes I just hate schools and schooling.
I wish we lived on an island somewhere where there were no grades and no tests and no excruciating social expectations.

This is one of the items I lament -- that, if I could just think clearly, consistently, I'd be able to solve this same problem for my kids, while being able to maintain an income. My kids don't fare well under our narrowly-focused school methodologies either. Your son will be moving onto college soon, though, right? Hopefully, he'll find the freedom in that helpful.

I am living in a surrealist film.

I feel like this all the time. ;) Interestingly, I think I've felt like this much of my life, but never realized the import of it.

It's like a living nightmare.

Yes, there are times when life resembles a David Lynch production (Twin Peaks, Blue Velvet, etc.). I'm very sorry you're encountering this.

Throwing you a life preserver, and a "strong hand" if you need it. :)

 

[Pencil]

At least the bike is better than what my son used to do--run out the door screaming that he was going to kill himself.
Sometimes I just hate schools and schooling.
I wish we lived on an island somewhere where there were no grades and no tests and no excruciating social expectations.

OMG we've been going through exactly the same!

 

[Hope4Now]

It is now 5 AM. I have been awake since 1:20 AM locked in a completely bizarre internal situation that is freaking me out completely. I finally got up around 4 and wrote in my journal for a while. What is happening in my head is just way too weird to write about here. I have been trying, with every molecule of my being, to "contain" all this...but the process that started after my session yesterday seems to be unstoppable.

I don't think I am in a flashback (unless this is some new treat of a flashback). I'm here. I'm not having any physical reactions to it, really (except I can't sleep). It's more like I'm observing but unable to do anything about it...like those nightmares where you try to run or scream but you can't. Except I'm not asleep.

I think I need to call my therapist this morning. I don't think I can "be" with this until Friday when I see him again. I have no idea whether what is happening is something that is positive and part of the healing process, or not. I think I will feel better if I know this.[DOUBLEPOST=1401182007,1401181881][/DOUBLEPOST]

Yes, there are times when life resembles a David Lynch production (Twin Peaks, Blue Velvet, etc.). I'm very sorry you're encountering this.
Throwing you a life preserver, and a "strong hand" if you need it. :)

Yes, David Lynch comes somewhat close to the experience :)
Thank you for the life-preserver and hand. Believe it or not, that really helps a lot.[DOUBLEPOST=1401182204][/DOUBLEPOST]

OMG we've been going through exactly the same!

What's going on, Pencil? If your little one is as extreme as my son used to be, I'm sorry. It is very upsetting both for the child and the parent.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am better, somewhat, yesterday and today. Had some good insights into the bizarre internal situation that was flipping me out, and am working on making it a healing experience rather than a traumatizing one. I am feeling positive that through it all, I have been able to stay somewhat grounded. I float off into dissociation sometimes, and get dragged down into flashbacks sometimes, but neither has been sustained or too intense. Unfortunately, my pain is back in full force.

I have an appointment with a highly trained Alexander Technique practitioner next week. I hope he can help me because I need something in addition to the psychological work I'm doing. I'm a bit nervous about the possibility that the body work will release something repressed, but I've done A LOT of body work over the past eight months and it hasn't happened yet. I am beginning to trust that perhaps my system will only allow me to "see" what I'm ready to see. I hope this is true.

One good thing that is coming of all this work I'm doing is that I am writing more than I have in many years. (Not the professional stuff...I always do that...but other stuff). It feels really good, even if most of what I'm writing is very self-reflexive.

Now I am putting on the bat cape...going to a large party with a lot of people I don't know. I hope I can escape to the car if I need to. I'm not feeling confident about how this outing will go tonight, but I refuse to give in and stay home because I am afraid of my responses to it.

 

[Go Hungry]

Now I am putting on the bat cape...going to a large party with a lot of people I don't know. I hope I can escape to the car if I need to. I'm not feeling confident about how this outing will go tonight, but I refuse to give in and stay home because I am afraid of my responses to it.

Victory!!:)

 

[Hope4Now]

I was okay at the party. Glad I made myself go, I guess, even if it was just to prove I could be fine, or to please my husband, or to fill a social obligation. I met people. Had some annoying conversations and some okay ones. Added that experience to my fund of life experiences.

I struggle a lot with trying to figure out how much and how far I should push myself to do things. And with figuring out what things to do. I really, truly do not know. It's like I'm flailing around in the world kind of randomly seeking something. I'm not clear on what I'm seeking or on how to find it. I'm not clear on why I do anything I do. I'm not clear on whether I do things because I want to or because I should for some reason.

I would like to be clear. I would like to be the kind of person who knows what I want and what I need, who knows what steps to follow to get these and how much time and energy I should expend following those steps. It seems as if this is standard operating procedure for most people, most of the time. Not for me.

I do not feel like a real person. That really is the problem I guess. My body doesn't feel like mine even though I'm using it to type this and can feel the warmth of the sun on me. My feelings feel manufactured...not real. Maybe I feel like a ghost just spying on somebody else's life.

Today I am not even clear on whether I am dissociating. I feel very odd. Feel like there is a big dark presence lurking at the peripheries of my consciousness, threatening to overwhelm me. Not sure whether I should tune into it, or try to ignore it. It makes me physically dizzy to be caught in between these two drives.