Strange Star

[shimmerz]

as I am doing my best to explain to him what I need, what I can and cannot give, and why.

This would be tough based on my experiences. I can barely figure out what I need, can and cannot give for myself, let alone someone else. At this point my SO and I have an understanding. I can give nothing and everything else is a bonus and that that will change as I heal. I know that your situation (with a child at home) would be much more complicated than that though. Loving thoughts to you my friend.

because the person he thought he was married to is only a part of me.

*heavy sigh*. Yes. They must grieve as we do for our 'lost selves' I suppose.

Well, it was a rough conversation, but he did talk. A lot. I listened. He asked me some questions and I answered as honestly as I could.

This is good. It must have been very difficult for him.

And he, for around the tenth time, expressed that he believes my therapist is not only useless, but is making me become even more fragmented with the parts work. He says he understands that parts work is helpful in some ways, but that he sees things getting worse even if I see them getting better.

I had some pretty serious disturbances in key relationships because of therapist strategy disagreements. I kept going with what my heart told me. And I lost some people along the way. It must be so difficult to stand back with hands tied while watching a loved one (or with a perception that a loved one) is not making proper decisions with their therapy. Especially, as KYG says, we do get worse for a period of time in therapy. 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

He says he understands that parts work is helpful in some ways, but that he sees things getting worse even if I see them getting better.

I could see this as being scary for your husband. I am wondering if you have enough control that you and your husband could plan an activity(s) where you are bound to be in a consistent part. Just so that he can see something that is familiar to him. My SO and I go out for drives. I am safe in the car. So I am pretty consistent in my behaviour. Just a thought.

Maybe I am wallowing in all this stuff.

Maybe. But then again maybe you need to really focus on it right now. Can you pick some time to focus on you and he? I have learned that it is a slippery slope, this healing game. Sometimes we get caught in the game of healing and can never get out. I don't think there is a magical 'finish line' and that we all need to take some time out's in order to help the integration process. Of course how successful that will be depends entirely on where you are in the integration process.

He says he is lonely. I am lonely too.

I really do wonder if you two could construct a 'safe' place for the two of you to reconnect. It makes sense that his grounding is going by the wayside through all of this as well. Maybe both of you could fix that together and you can help him to see where you would like to be, as a couple, when all of this hard work starts to pay off.

Hugs from me to you and your husband.

Shimmerz:hug:

 

[Hope4Now]

Oh @shimmerz, my friend, you are so very wise. So very wise. I will re-read your words and reflect on how I might put some of your advice into action on some kind of consistent basis. Because I think it is consistency and predictability he is looking for right now. Even a little. (Aside from sex of course, which is an entirely different black hole of an issue :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:).

 

[Hope4Now]

Yay for me. After several hours of excruciating patience and persistence, I have figured out the ridiculous number of steps to take, and the order in which I need to take them, in order to get my photographs up onto my website so I can "go live." I am feeling pleased with myself, but frustrated that I cannot skip all the steps and just wish my site into being right now. I am very patient with other people, but not with myself. I am noticing this. Mindfully, of course, and with...well with an attempt at...self-compassion. :depressed::grumpy::arghh;:banghead::bag:

 

[Hope4Now]

This afternoon, I took a rest in my bed. Set alarm so I wouldn't sleep for hours. I didn't really sleep...just kind of that half-sleep, the haunted kind. Alarm went off. Husband came in and asked question. I answered; I was awake and alert. Husband left room. Body felt urge to roll from side onto stomach. Then it happened. Body memory. Or flashback. Or some combination. My body twisted itself into a rather contorted position. I was alert enough/in self enough to vaguely recognize that this was a body memory of some kind, but that I was here in my own bed too. So I watched it happen.

For a couple of years now, I have had really really fragmented memories that have gradually pieced together (body, visual, olfactory, auditory, emotional...all separate) of the first time my father sodomized me when I was four. The night that my relatively simply split parts (two) exploded into more. The memories are persistent and invasive and cause me a lot of chaos. I have mostly refused to believe it is true, or at least parts of me have continually gotten in the way and disallowed me to accept that this happened. Even in the face of mounting evidence. Why? Because my logical brain could not work out how, in real life physically/logistically a grown-up person could maneuver a small person into a physical position to do what he did in a way that matches the memory.

Today, my body showed me how. Bessel Van der Kolk is right when he says and titles his book "The Body Keeps the Score." It does, apparently.

I am simultaneously falling apart and fine. I am sort of relieved. I believe it now. It is still sinking in. And if this single memory is true, then much of the rest is as well. And I don't quite know what this all means regarding where I go next in my therapy, or how. But I know it is big. Really big.

And, as I am attempting to maintain myself (and not kill myself with the steak knives in the kitchen, and not drive away in my car never to return, and not say horrible things out loud that my family will hear, and not do a lot of other things), my daughter is flipping out and crying and screaming about something that is terribly important to her and that I need to support her with, and my son is calling again...very depressed about some things and needing support...and my husband who was fine and lovely for a couple of hours has switched back into icky mode...and I am juggling all of it.

And guess how? Thank you dissociation.

One thing integrates and becomes less dissociated, then a different aspect of dissociation kicks in. Watching this person who is supposedly me dealing with all this shit. Really?

Oh, my.

 

[Hope4Now]

Managing intensely suicidal parts these past few weeks, and even today. Even with huge kind support from my collection of kind helpers, all three of whom I saw in one very intense day today. Massage therapist, psychotherapist, psychiatrist. It does help to have this. But I still have to keep making that assertion, above all the noisy voices, that I am choosing to stay here in this life and this body. And my voice seems very small.

I took the leap last night and started on risperidone. Low dose. I have to do something because I seem to be losing the battle with my loudly self-destructive parts. I am still fighting though. I went to bed last night. I got through today. I did stuff. I am going to bed now. Nights from dinner to bed are the worst. I am seeing this pattern now. But last night, no nightmares. So perhaps tonight will be the same. Took the second pill an hour or so ago. When I can sleep it really helps. The down side is that then I have more energy to actually carry out the crap these parts are intent on. But I also have more energy to fight them off.

It is a razor-thin path I walk. But I am walking it. And I am listening to what my helper people say, even if they seem to contradict each other sometimes. They have much wisdom to offer. Am trying to let it filter down to these very determinedly protective parts who are so misguided in their attempts to destroy me rather than trust that visiting all the trauma stuff from the past will not kill me.

I am remembering that there is a great difference between thought and action. I am not acting. Therapist asked today, "Do you have plans?" HAH! I always have had plans. But I know enough now to not say that, so I just said, "THAT is a very dangerous question." And he said he had to ask it. Of course he did. Because I mentioned the S word. But these are thoughts and compulsions, and I am not allowing the action part. So far, so good. It will shift. It always does. Even though the thoughts are there, may always be there. I'm finding the space between the compulsion to act and the choice to act. Very big difference. I am practicing. Moment to moment. And now, I am choosing to go to bed.

 

[sun seeker]

Maybe going to flakey healer lady who does soul-retrieval will help me find my purpose in this life.

I haven't finished reading the rest yet, so you may have already talked about this. I once did a soul retrieval ceremony. It was very powerful at the time.

But the effects didn't last. You have to be able to make a home for the returning fragments. Now, as I do deep trauma work, on occasion a fragment will return of its own accord, because there is room for it now.

I get a little self-conscious talking about this. PM me if you are still thinking about this, if you'd like.

My mouth is watering thinking about those s'mores!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Catching up on your diary Hope and my heart goes out to you and I must say you are managing very well with everything that is going on right now.

 

[KwanYingirl]

When I am desperate with trauma intrusion and compulsions to cut, I find solace in watching stars Brach videos. This is the latest one I have been watching over and over, because I am very much in a self destructive place. Maybe it will speak to you, too. You are right when you say it always passes, but it's so hard to be so raw. Namaste.

 

[shimmerz]

Given that I react so badly in the 'close to fall time', I am noticing a trend here with you for this time of year. Is there some sort of trigger event or anniversary for the spring time Hope? It just seems like it is such a co-incidence that you suffered through this last year at this time as well. I have learned to stop believing in co-incidences and instead, look for patterns.

Ignore if you feel this is not a problem.

 

[Hope4Now]

Thank you @sun seeker and @KwanYingirl and @shimmerz
I will watch the video this afternoon. Sun, you're right on the soul retrieval stuff...this is what my workshop teacher/shaman said. Shimmerz, yes, I have noticed this too. I am thinking I come out of depression a little as the sun comes out more and have more energy. I am also just now between your post and the memories I've been rehashing, realize that as a kid, this is the time when school was coming close to ending. And though school was not a particularly safe or happy place for me, it was certainly far better than being with my mother all day every day for 3 months. Hmmm. Will have to see if I can link up self-destructive things from my childhood to this pattern. I sense there IS something there. Thank you.

I am holding together today. Day 2 on risperidol. Psych says if I really feel I am going to hurt myself, to take another. I'm not sure I like that idea, but it's nice to have some sort of option that isn't such exhausting work.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am very much in a self destructive place.

:( I am sorry you're going through this battle too. Keep watching.
I am learning that cutting and other forms of self-harming are attempts at self-soothing...to make the actual pain and emotional overload go away, if even for a little while. So watch watch watch instead of what you're compelled to do. ANYTHING that calms your system down. I was in bed for an hour. Then up for a short time. Then back into bed. My bed seems to be a safe place for me even if it means I drift off into a different sort of dissociation. My heart is with you and I am sending you calm as best I can. I think we are somewhat close geographically...so maybe it'll get there faster?!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Yeah, I practice skills and then they go right out the window. Thank you for your wishes.