Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

This is a good news post. It may be followed by something darker.
Over the past month or so, something has been shifting in my system.
Today I shed a few tears in my therapy session. I haven't done this. It has been nearly three years. My T said, "I haven't ever witnessed your tears." (Of course, that made it stop immediately...don't be seen crying!!!) He asked me how it felt. I said good and horrible at the same time. He was curious about the horrible part, and we went on to explore that a little. I said, "Crying means they won." I don't remember much after that because he did this direct access thing with one of my parts.

It sounds awful, but it was good. I really, really need to cry. And whenever he does the direct access stuff, I feel better after. When I told my husband about it, he was all sympathetic at first. But I said no, it's like I'm a pressure cooker and the tears and whatever the hell I say in the direct access stuff is like opening the valve and releasing some of the pressure. I wish I could do this on my own, but I can't right now. Maybe someday.

I am working with a 1:1 personal trainer now. It is really good. It has been around a month, and I am getting stronger. That, along with doing this thing I call "radical resting" (I sleep for 3-4 hours in the afternoon), I am really starting to feel a little better as far as the chronic pain goes. The fitness workout is good for me. I am learning to look into the mirror and see that my body is actually whole. Is actually one body that works together. The sight of myself in the mirror does not jive at all with my felt sense of my body. It's very odd, but I think it's good. I need to keep looking. Because the mirror is objective reality. It is very different from what I see and feel inside--that's more like an inescapable maze of funhouse mirrors.

So, I'm getting stronger but it is different this time from when I got stronger with a physical therapist four years ago. Then I just got stronger. But I didn't feel better. Now, something is different. Perhaps three years of intensive trauma therapy has actually helped! I think maybe I am starting to be able to inhabit my body for short periods of time. Of course there is a down side to that. Memories come out. Flashbacks happen. More often. The stretching part of the fitness workouts is the worst...send me into panic nearly every time. But I am getting better with it. This is where the DBT skills come in handy. And I'm using them hard. But still, after yesterday, I had to tell D my trainer what to do in case I started "getting all weird" on him. I think he is pretty clueless about flashbacks, but he was very open and kind and supportive. We'll see what happens if it actually happens. So far, I have managed to bring myself back.

I am learning, painfully, to be patient with my healing. This is good.

And now I have to stop. It was 105 degrees today. I am sitting in my studio with no ac...it is no longer 105, but it is bloody hot and I am dripping on my computer so I am going to sit in front of the fan.

 

[Hope4Now]

The darker side (although still healing I guess) of what's been happening in the past month or two is that I am starting to have a little more access to some of the stories of my "parts." (Quotes because I still struggle to believe this in spite of evidence to the contrary).

Before I landed in the hospital in May, I started to get more memories of something that happened in college--although I am not yet able to visit that except in a sort of fly-by...like "Okay, I know you're there and I will get to you at some point when I'm strong enough."

During and since the hospital stay other things are surfacing. Yesterday I got slammed with memories from a very icky situation when I was a babysitter for a family and the father was after me. He didn't do anything physical that I recall, but the icky was there...inviting me to go for rides in his Porshe convertible, suggesting I wear a bikini instead of my racer suit when I was mother's-helpering for them at their summer place. Ugh. Sickening. And as I stayed with the memory and realized how old I was (13) I remember my naivete. I was a pretty easy target for anyone offering kindness and understanding.

And there have been a barrage of other memories, particularly with my family. Things I knew but had forgotten. These bits and pieces come together in different ways now. My mother's obsession with my body. Her relentless need to be me, or to make me be her. My father's demeaning sexual comments after he had passed me on to my mother once I reached puberty. Oh eww. I don't even want to write any details of any of this here. Or even think of them. But they're there. They come up and slam me at night, or in the shower, or at the most inconvenient or uncomfortable times in my daily life.

What I've realized is that I live in a state of constant triggering. Because the emotional abuse permeated every aspect of my life. So now that the Pandora's box has sprung open, everything reminds me of something. I can't even sit at the flippin' dinner table with my family without suddenly being a kid at dinner with my parents in these surreal tableaux where my father would be passed out on his plate and my mother required that we have a family conversation. And we did. With her supplying what my father would say in between yelling for him to pick up his head and be a man. UGH. Everything triggers me. Laundry. The bathroom. Going to sleep. Driving. Reading. Writing. Doing Art. Socializing. Walking. The dog. Going to church. etc. so much more. The GOOD thing about all this is that I am just beginning to accept WHY this happens. To accept that the abuse was so pervasive and part of my young life. I have no memory of a "before."

My home was what it was. And it stayed that way even after I left. But of course I never truly left. I left only in body. The imprint of my upbringing travels with me. I read a long while ago near the beginning of this great crash of mine (for which there were a variety of what my husband now calls "dress rehearsals") about Stockholm Syndrome. Everything I read about it resonated with me, but of course I was not like the people for whom it was named. But recently in an appt with my still newish psychiatrist, I was arguing with her that yes, this IS all my fault--this breakdown of mine. Because I didn't leave. Didn't cut connections. Didn't extract myself from my mother's toxic tentacles. And she said, "You were brainwashed." And she even mentioned Stockholm Syndrome. And this was a major relief for me. Because it begins to make sense of my life a little better. And having that validation from the psychiatrist was hugely helpful. It is still sinking in.

So I am doing my best at being with all these memories and feelings, and all this confusion, without harming myself. I fight off those urges many times a day, but they aren't as intense as they were a few months ago. I'm grateful that I have been able to acknowledge the pain masked by the urges, and invite it in to sit with me so I can get to know it a bit better. Sometimes this works okay. It's a process. I know there is more crap coming my way. I can feel it. The emergence of memories into my consciousness seems to have its own peculiar pattern that I'm still trying to suss out. But it always seems to begin with some lurking disgusting and/or frightening presence in my peripheral vision, and somewhere in my body. There is one that's ready to blast through soon. And I know it is about my mother. And I think I know what it is, but the enormity of it hasn't hit. It's as if I can feel and am aware of my system trying to protect itself.

And, of course, my therapist is going away for two weeks at the end of the month. That's probably when I will get blasted. Sigh.

But for all the dark stuff that's coming into consciousness, I am still doing okay. I wish I knew why or how or what has been different to allow this, but I don't. My T says it is the accumulation of work I've been doing. Perhaps he is right. Maybe soon I will earn my yellow belt in trauma work. I'm sill at the stabilization phase mostly so the black belt is a while off yet. But I'd be happy with a yellow...a step up from green. I am a spiritual warrior after all. I deserve a belt I think!

 

[Hope4Now]

Oh my. I think more of the walls of my psyche are coming down. I am starting to actually feel emotions inside my body. It is the most bizarre experience. I always thought I felt emotion--full range. But this is different. I can't quite figure it out. I think maybe I have always cut off emotion before it gets its full expression, by making it a cognitive experience. Like, "Oh, I am happy." NOT "I feel happy." Now, just a little here and there, I am starting to actually feel feelings as a bodily experience, not just a head/brain one.

Something must misfire in my brain. The neurological paths must be well worn to cut off my connection to my feeling. I guess this is part of dissociation. But it's not that I have numbed out. It is very different from that, and I'm struggling to explain it to myself because I don't want to forget this difference. It is like I have regular emotions like everyone else, but as soon as my system notices, it skips making the connection between my body and my intellect and goes right to the intellect instead.

So the effect is odd. Anybody interacting with me on a day when I'm just sort-of-normal would think I'm fine. I laugh. I get sad. I get irritated. I get impatient. I get embarrassed. I get lonely. Etc. Full range. Except the middle part--the feeling the feelings in the body--gets blocked out or skipped or something.

I never knew this. Until I know it. It reminds me of around two years ago when I finally had the experience of connecting with my SELF. I didn't know I wasn't connected to myself until I suddenly was. So now I at least know there is a whole different aspect of being a human being that I am only just waking up to. All the stuff is there in me...my SELF, my emotions, etc. It's just that I have been cut off.

I suppose it is like looking at a sculpture from only one angle and having no idea that you can actually walk all the way around it and have an entirely different experience. The first is okay...nice sculpture/interesting etc.. But it's only one angle. There is a much fuller more complex and exciting way to look at the sculpture once you clue into the fact that you can walk around it. Ugh. Sort of another not-quite-right analogy from the matriarch of metaphor.

I don't quite get what is changing in me. But I am feeling feelings from present now (interaction with my son this morning that riled me up), and I am feeling feelings from not-now...from parts (yesterday a barrage of emotional "flashbacks" from parts from a time in my life that is probably 90% blocked out. It was exhausting to work on staying present and at the same time feeling those feelings. I was quasi-successful. Came out of the 3 hour period remembering some specific details. Some of the pieces from that part of my life are now accessible to me. I'm glad.

The trick for me now is to sort out when I am feeling feelings from parts stuck in the past vs. when I am feeling feelings from the present. Because both affect my body now when I remember to notice and when my dissociative barriers soften up some to let me feel.

I am like a little kid trying to learn what different feelings feel like in the body. Because even now, the physical experience is really just one of nausea, choking, and total body clenching.

I let myself draw a little on Friday. And this morning. And I am all set up to make a sculpture. If I can quiet all the mean voices and forces in me that are blocking me from making art and at the same time excoriating me for not making art, I can get excited about this little project. So here, I'll shout it out: "I am going to make a sculpture today! And I'm excited about it! Do you hear that, parts? It's okay to make art. It's not a waste of time. It will not end in humiliation. It's okay if it doesn't come out well. I'm just going to enjoy being creative and feel good about it. There is nothing dangerous or shameful about feeling good." (My therapist makes what he calls "public service announcements" to my parts...he says he's talking to the whole system. I used to think this was pretty silly. But it seems to be pretty effective sometimes. So now I need to start doing it too. In a kind way, like I just did. Not in the ways I used to talk to myself.

Slow progress, but it's happening. This healing is happening. I don't have a friggin' clue where it will all take me, but I'm along for the ride. I have been pretty successful dealing with the immediately self-destructive stuff. So yay for me.

 

[shimmerz]

This is much like what happened to me when I stopped going catatonic. Kind of like the 'conversion disorder' stuff was re-ordering itself. I am not certain that I have it right.... because emotions can be very complex. Around that time I watched Inside Out and several other cartoons (because it was easier to imagine how a cartoon character felt rather than how I felt).

I think it was @The Albatross who had a great chart of all sorts of emotions, that were super helpful to me when I decided to dive in and deal. She may be kind enough to share with you.... mine is now paper copy and I don't have a scanner at this point.

Good work. Take it slow and easy. No rush. Sounds like you are doing well in breaking through! Yeah you!

 

[Hope4Now]

So...
Just as I am finally having some breakthroughs with communication with some of my parts, and a little tiny bit of opening up emotionally... Just as I'm starting to get some confidence that what I am doing is the right thing and I am making slow but noticeable progress in getting the "mean parts" to give a little space and stop hijacking me whenever the vulnerable young ones emerge with their stuff into my consciousness... Just as I'm relaxing a little into this routine I've been practicing of meditation and energy work and strength training and a little aerobic stuff and psychotherapy...

The psychiatrist I have been seeing weekly and who I like and have made a little bit of progress in trusting tells me today that she thinks I have bipolar disorder and this is what is interfering with my efforts to heal the ptsd and fibromyalgia. And that I need to take more intense meds than just the low dose of neurontin I've been on.

And she tells me this with 5 minutes left in the session and my main therapist (Yoda) on vacation for two weeks. WTF.

I texted her a long one. Told her that she threw me a fast curve ball at a tough time. And that it's not the diagnosis that bothers me particularly, but more the feeling that this very teetery and fragile sense of self and identity that I've been working to piece together has just been shattered. That I have wasted an unbelievable amount of time and money and energy for the past three years.

It doesn't feel right to me. Even with a pretty broad reading of the diagnostic criteria for all the different types of bipolar. But maybe it's true. Maybe I have this on top of all the other stuff.

It's really thrown me for a loop though. Cast doubt on all I have worked so hard to understand and believe about myself and my past and present experience. Last week she tells me it could be 10 or 15 years before I achieve full healing. Now she tells me this. Geez, if I wasn't depressed before, that sure did it.

I am seriously contemplating breaking off with all the therapy. Even Yoda. I don't know if I have it in me to go through trial after trial of medication in search of something that will let me stop trying quite so hard to live my life. Maybe it's just meant to be this way. Maybe I'm just meant to live with this and not try so hard to feel better. I don't know. Feeling very confused and discouraged and kind of scared about all of it because I don't even trust myself or my judgment much anymore.

And on top of all of this, I broke my tooth today. One that had broken before and been repaired with a filling. I think this is a bad one that will probably have me needing a cap or worse. And I am terrified of dental work. So I have to deal with that now too. And a LOT of activities in the next five days that will require my active presence, but which I know already will be too much for me. Damn.

 

[shimmerz]

Bi-polar? Really? After all of these years of therapy and they are just coming up with this now? And you don't see how you fit? No kidding! I don't quite see how you fit either.

Therapists are human too. Sometimes they don't know what to do. So next best thing is to up the ante with dx's. Put you on bigger pills. I am not necessarily saying that is what is happening here, but hon, follow your gut.

I honestly don't think that most of these professionals get it. I am so sorry that she shook the ground under your feet. What horrible timing as well! 5 minutes before your appt over? 'There! Go deal with THAT!' Something wrong with that.

Many kind hugs to you my friend.

Shimmerz

 

[Hope4Now]

Therapists are human too. Sometimes they don't know what to do. So next best thing is to up the ante with dx's. Put you on bigger pills.

Thanks for listening Shimmerz. Yes, I'm feeling this way. I really like this woman, but yesterday it was as if she completely shifted courses. All very psychiatrist-y rather than therapist-y. Which I guess is what she is supposed to be for me, but she and Yoda have been doing a sort of co-therapy with me for several months now, so this felt really out-of-the blue. I think she was in a fix-the-patient part yesterday instead of in SELF. LOL. She wants to heal me and I'm not responding as fast or appropriately or whatever as she would like. And her perfectionist part is kicking in, so she is pushing the drug thing.

Perhaps the good thing is that I am really pissed off. I mean really...PISSED OFF. It takes a lot to get my anger going, but yesterday did it. And was compounded by the texts we've had going back and forth when I conceded to ask her how much risperidone I could take to make me sleep if some of my parts are threatening to hijack me in unhealthy ways (which they are but so far I'm in control of them). And she said no to talking meds via text. Which I respect. But I can't see her until next week...if I see her again at all which I haven't decided. Anyway, I sent a text I probably shouldn't have saying that I would just deal with it myself and do what I need to do to get through and stay alive. I will choose my own doses. Probably pissed her off too as she has not yet responded.

Anyway, the anger feels kind of good. I am perfectly well aware that it ought not be 100% aimed at her. It is a reaction I'm having to all those other doctor appointments when I heard so many different diagnoses and suggestions for what to do and felt pretty much abandoned by medicine and medical professionals. Blah blah blah. But I like the feeling of the anger. I need to get in touch with that and direct it where it really needs to go--at the people who caused all this crap that is happening to me. I'm not there yet, but getting closer.

And of course it happens when Yoda is away. Of course it does.

So, I am on my own with this. My husband is listening and always supportive, but the way I talk with him and his responses are not helpful to me. I need to vent and be heard. So here I am pissing it out in my stupid diary.

Grrr. I know what part I'm in. And it is really good that I can even recognize this. I just need to be able to stay like this...with the sort of dual consciousness...and keep the mean parts away. This part is a really vulnerable one even though he's an adult. Anyway that's too much information to spew about here. He's a good part but pretty messed up. The one that got me landed in the hospital the last time when he got out of control and hijacked me completely.

So I'm walking the razor's edge right now. I am going to try to sleep. I burned off a lot of the energy in my fitness workout this morning (even did some boxing!) but it's brewing up again and I am exhausted and that is not a good combo. And I have a dinner party to attend tonight, so what to wear will be an interesting challenge. Always is when I'm like this.

 

[Pietro]

Bi-polar?! Do you have significant manic moments akin in intensity to the down moments? Like staying-up for three days working through a story idea? ;) There's a lot of similarity in many psych conditions, and there's likely a relationship between all of the serotonin-based diagnoses. They just don't know exactly what it is, yet. I think trauma heavily mimics many conditions. It certainly mimics ADD, or worsens it, due to the fragmentation.

I don't blame you for being upset, angry. That's quite a bomb to drop with 5 minutes left. "Oh, by the way, you have the plague. See you next week!" Yeah. :meh:

I think you simply wait until Yoda gets back and discuss it with him, see what his opinion is. IMHO, unless the symptoms of a particular diagnosis are significantly affecting your life, you may be better-off not medicating it too heavily. I was feeling very depressed for about 7 months this year. My therapist told me to get my psychiatrist to help me find a new med or med combination, and I did explore a few with him. However, I was skeptical. Intuitively, I felt that it wasn't strictly "chemical", that this was simply about processing a lot of bad shit. I believe I was right. I've largely emerged from that period, w/o any additional meds.

I'm very skeptical of psychiatry. The doctors admit they don't know why the meds work -- they just do in certain circumstances. Unfortunately, they're not sure of the exact circumstances. I've had major depression for 40+ years. No amount of meds or therapy has done much for it, other than the therapy I've done over the last 4 years. The meds I take are largely about maintaining equilibrium; they don't make me happier or feel less depressed.

Thus, I'd take your psychiatrist's recommendation with a grain of salt. Maybe even get a 2nd opinion. Boxing sounds like a great idea; think I'll look into that. :)

 

[Hope4Now]

Hi there, Pietro! I'm glad you're coming out of the long depression. Definitely try the boxing. Even wii boxing (although that is not nearly as satisfying as physically hitting something that is solid.

Bi-polar?! Do you have significant manic moments akin in intensity to the down moments? Like staying-up for three days working through a story idea? ;) There's a lot of similarity in many psych conditions, and there's likely a relationship between all of the serotonin-based diagnoses.

I don't think so. But I do have a kind of manic brain. I did go through a period a couple of years ago when I wasn't sleeping much, was reading and writing for long periods during the day and night. I told the doc that really the problem is that I live on multiple frequencies all at one time. So probably I could appear somewhat manic if I'm trying to satisfy all those frequencies (parts). But the dx just doesn't seem to fit. I'd be glad if it did. Glad if this were the answer. But of course it isn't an answer because figuring out how to treat it is just as uncertain as figuring out how to treat developmental trauma.

The doctors admit they don't know why the meds work -- they just do in certain circumstances.

This is what I don't like. I don't want to be a guinea pig for meds even if it is just for my own system. I would, however, be happy with taking a sleeping pill at this point. I am tired of waking up in panic or in some sad, lonely part, or just in physical pain.

 

[Hope4Now]

Today. I had to go to the dentist to get a broken tooth repaired. The last time did not go well with my dentist. This time, I had a plan. I took an Ativan about an hour before going. I brought my headphones to block out the sound. And I told him very clearly that he needed to wait extra time for the novacaine to affect. I said "I know you don't believe me, but it's true--my system takes longer. I was awake for part of my colonoscopy because the meds had not fully activated." He started preparing to work on me. I said NO. I'm not numb yet. So instead of waiting, he gave me another shot. Waited a little. I said I was getting there but I could still feel my teeth.

He said, "I'll just start on the filling. That wouldn't bother you even without novacaine. He went in with the drill. I was cringing. I said stop. He said, "You can't feel that." I said, "Yes, I can." He said, "I'm telling you, you can't feel it." It wasn't bad, but I could feel it. After I rinsed, I said, "Donald, I CAN feel things. Pain doesn't work in me the way it does in other people because I have fibromyalgia. And also, as you are well aware, dental phobia." He waited only another minute and then started the real drilling. It hurt a lot. I yelled. He just kept going and saying ever more insistently, "You're fine. You'll be just fine."

At the end of what was probably no more than a minute of excruciating pain, I was shaking so badly I could not pick up the cup to rinse, and there were tears running down my face. And as you may know from things I've written here, I don't often cry. Then he said, "You'll have to find another dentist who can put you to sleep." I did not look at or speak to him for the rest of the time. The helper lady was very kind and helped me gather my things at the end and rubbed my back. I went into the ladies room and puked. And sobbed. Until I got myself together enough to get to the car. I cried all the way home, and then when I got to my bed, I howled for 20 minutes.

There's a lot of stuff stuck in with this dental thing. The two childhood traumas with dentists that are still active in me. The violation of a body orifice. The fear of the pain that is coming. The pain. The telling someone what you need and having them refuse it. Having someone tell you something doesn't hurt and you're fine, when it DOES hurt and you're NOT fine.

And mostly the shame and confusion. Shame because I KNOW it is just a simple dental procedure that has to be done, and why am I such a baby about it? I can stand a lot of pain--but not dental pain. Even for 30 seconds.

I am going to find a new dentist who will be more responsive, I hope. I am glad it's over. I hurt like hell now because I was so tensed up. But am icing and slept for an hour. So I am ready to help my daughter with her final packing.

Tomorrow we take her to boarding school. My life is about to change dramatically. It has been 20 years since I have not had at least one child in the house at all times--with the exception of the 3 days I took my husband on a trip after Christmas last year and 2 days this summer...but neither of these were in my house. But it stuns me...no more hours of commuting to school, shlepping back and forth to friends' houses, making breakfasts, lunches, dinners, helping with homework, processing various crises (well, that will probably still happen but by phone). I cannot even imagine! 20 years. Yikes.

When all this is over, I will return to contemplating on the bi-polar diagnosis and how I want to respond to the doc. I've texted back and forth (the last one an apology for some pissy ones I sent) but there is a great deal to discuss. Whether I see her before Yoda, I'm not sure. I've cancelled my regular appointment because of my daughter.

I am doing a lot better in a lot of ways. At least I think I am. Or was until today. The dentist thing sent me into the wild mess of activation and flashbacks of all sorts, rapid-fire. But at least I just cried and puked instead of hurting myself. And I did not land on the floor in a fetal position...I made it into my bed. And it's only been 4 hours and I'm almost back to balance of sorts. So that, in my mind, is HUGE progress.

 

[Pietro]

I don't think the monitors would allow me to post the exact wording of my thoughts regarding your FORMER dentist. "Prick" is the kindest word that comes to mind. :/

That is a huge change to have your daughter leaving. Might be good for you, though -- providing some space for your healing. :)

 

[shimmerz]

Piece of kak sheist sadistical pr.... I am so sorry. With you in this one. I have had many experiences similar to this (not with pain but with the invasion). I don't understand this humiliation thing with dentists.

Just a thought. I found a dentristy office run out of a hospital that dealt with trauma patients. They weren't actually the one that helped me, but instead a holistic dentist (who I miss very much). They are out there. Maybe you can interview any dentist that you are thinking of.