Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

Today, I will have done only one thing on my should list (change the sheets) and one thing on my must list (take my mother out to dinner). I dumped the 50+ other things on the list, left my kids at home, and went to the beach. I just really, really wanted to go to this particular beach today, so I did. I had intended to stay for only an hour or so but stayed for three hours. (Not so good on self-discipline). The best thing of all was that after I'd been there for a little while, I heard drumming. A group of 7 people were sitting in a drum circle on the beach under the shade of a tree. It was wonderful (I love African drums). After a bit, I wandered over to listen because although I could hear them, I couldn't feel them...and the vibration is one of the things I really like.

They invited me to join them. I said I don't know how to play. They said it didn't matter, just join in however I wanted to. So I played with them for nearly an hour and thoroughly enjoyed it. I discovered that it is VERY grounding to play a drum. And mirroring and shifting and synthesizing with the rhythms of the others made me feel very connected to them. I felt much better afterward. They invited me to come to their Monday night group at a local church...I think I just might go.

It has been a vaguely difficult weekend. No major issues, but a kind of dull flashbacky/dissociation/overwhelm as a constant. Something is going on that's different, too. I have a terrible pain in my side...It has come and gone since around December I think. It started when my body flashbacks got really physically intense. I haven't had it on a sustained basis like this and I wonder what it's about. The body flashbacks have gotten less intense in the past week...now this. Just one more mystery to wait and see about, I guess.

I wish I didn't have to see my mother tonight, but I have had a two-week break (and not even too many telephone calls, which is very strange, but I'm not complaining!). I am going to try very hard to keep myself emotionally separate from her tonight. Every once in a while, I am able to do this. I hope tonight will be one of those nights.

 

[Hope4Now]

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I am doing all I can think of to get back into my "self" mode and stay there. I have been hijacked by one of my inner children today. I woke up feeling it vaguely and it has just gotten worse as the morning has progressed. It's the baby part. It is the most deeply unsettling experience and I cannot seem to get out of it and stay out of it, no matter how compassionate I am, no matter how much grounding I am doing, no matter how I try to "be with" this part of myself. I know real infants are wildly demanding and all encompassing, but who knew psychologically exiled ones were equally powerful. I do not want to feel this way.

Where is the wizard with a magic wand to heal all this. Please, I need one badly. When I am in "self" mode, I can be very patient and see the bigger picture of my existence, but when I get like this everything feels urgent. The energies want attention now! now! now! and I am trying but not succeeding and feeling panicky and afraid.

Breathe.
Ground.
Etc.

AAARGH.

 

[amy4k]

*Hugs*

I'm right there with you today, except mine is one of the angry ones. I've been hiding in my bedroom most of the day because I just cannot be around my children when this one is out.

My T always asks me if I can find out what he/she needs from me...

Stay strong.

 

[Hope4Now]

Thanks for reaching out, @amy4k. Sorry you're dealing with this too! I have kids too and try to be very careful to avoid having them see what's going on with me (or anyone else either, but them especially). My T asks me the same thing...but because of other energies, I can't manage to give the part what she needs (or any of the other ones either, for that matter). It is a miserable, stuck situation.

The warring parts have finally calmed down a little. The work with my therapist this afternoon helped some. They're still there, simmering away. I'm about to try to "be" with them some more, the way I was in my session this afternoon. I feel rather like a novice juggler trying to keep too many plates spinning on sticks. I hope I can manage the exercise without getting overwhelmed all over again.

I did learn...yet again (how many times will it take?) that fighting these energies just makes things worse. I need to find a way to relax my system, be compassionate and open with the parts, and take whatever time all the parts need. It is just so hard to get back to this awareness and ability to heal myself once the energies get so highly activated. I have a reiki session tonight. I am hoping that it is as healing as it was last Monday.

 

[Hope4Now]

I did good work with myself this morning. Meditation, yoga, writing in my journal. I am feeling much more centered and calm. After yesterday and Sunday, I am reminded again that the more I push myself to "get it together" and "get things done" the more difficult everything is and the more I end up dissociating, in pain, and in flashback. Today, two of my inner children "showed" me things without my having to see them in visions or a flashback. I think this is very good. If I can keep the parts of me that over-analyze and flood me with doubt about the reality of what's happening, perhaps my poor silenced inner children will finally be able to express themselves. Perhaps the narrative of my life will begin to emerge from this chaotic post-modernish fragmentation of consciousness.

I must make time for myself to do the healing work that I seem to require. I require a lot. I guess some people can heal with a weekly therapist appointment and some journaling, etc. I seem to need so much more than that. Seeing my therapist twice a week has helped tremendously. Three times would be even better, really, but not necessary so I won't ask. And I do much better when I'm not rushing around to try to fulfill too many obligations. I have always been a person who needs to take time. Feeling that I have to rush is one of my major triggers. I need to practice prioritizing, and letting go of things that aren't on the very top of the priority list. I need to make my healing activities at the top of the priority list...even before my family (which is hard). I think I am very ill/injured with these PTSD symptoms. More than I have been willing to admit. (As I write this, one of my parts is saying, "Oh, come on, it's not that bad.") I think if I am going to reclaim my life as a healthy (and perhaps transformed) person, I must get serious and consistent about taking care of myself.

I can't just mess around with taking care of myself...do it when I have time...put it aside when other crises arise...flit around from activity to activity trying to find just the right recipe for healing. I need to take responsibility for my own survival, even if the whole picture of what I survived isn't clear. I cannot wait until whole story reveals itself in order to feel that I have the right and the responsibility to claim myself for myself.

I have done a lot of good things for other people in my life so far, but virtually nothing authentically and unashamedly for myself. If I want to be a person who is a consistently kind and healing presence for others, I need to become my true self. And I'll only be able to do this if I make it my first priority. This is really, really uncomfortable for me, but it is very important that I commit to doing it and actually do it. What this looks like is only beginning to come into focus (and the reality of it is quite terrifying actually because it will require so many changes in my life). For now, I need to develop a consistent routine of healing and see how it unfolds.

 

[Pietro]

Well said. I need to do the same exact things. Maybe I could save the trouble and live vicariously through you? ;)

 

[Hope4Now]

Wait, I thought you were working on bottling the elixer. I'm saving my pennies to buy a warehouse full of it.

 

[Pietro]

Uh, er, um, had a little setback on progress, lately. You might find wiser investments for your pennies.

 

[Hope4Now]

No, I'll stick with the investment. I believe in your powers to heal yourself. Every inventor has his setbacks :)

 

[Hope4Now]

This afternoon I had my second appointment with my friend who is an Alexander teacher. He is amazing. The strategies he is giving me to retrain my brain on mindbody stuff really work. It is going to take a lot of practice to unlearn the way I contract my body, but I'm excited about this. Worked on getting out of a chair in a different way today :). Not sure when we'll get to walking and stairs, but I'm trying some of what I learned when I do that. When I can focus enough and go slowly enough to use his strategies and to manage my fear part using the strategies my therapist gives me, I am able to do things...briefly...without much pain. This gives me hope that I can beat this pain thing. I want that more, actually, than relief from any of the other PTSD symptoms. But as they're all related, I think if I can make progress healing in one area, the others will start to heal too.

On a completely different topic, tonight my son came tearing down the stairs completely freaked out. He had heard a banging sound at his window and looked out to see an enormous crow tapping its beak on the glass. A ton of other crows were going wild in the yard. (The crow presence around our house has been intense for the past week or ten days). I think it really scared him. Then I told him that perhaps it was a messenger from the spirit world. He looked at me like I was nuts. I googled crow as spirit animal and handed him my phone. He was deeply intrigued as the entire description completely resonated with him and where he is in his life right now. I told him one of my spirit guide animals who has been hanging around for a while is a raven. (I seem to have a lot of these...maybe because there are so many different aspects of myself that are all activated so much of the time).

 

[Hope4Now]

Someone posted this on Facebook the other day. It made me laugh. I want this as a bumper sticker.

 

[Hope4Now]

Back to emotional chaos. Thankful I had a blip of "selfness" yesterday.
I am about as stressed as I can get...

I was a big fail on supporting my husband last night when he needed me to. His stress was just so contagious to me that I had to shut him out. He knew it and felt rejected by me and angry at me and at himself for being so needy (we talked about it this morning...this is something we really need to work on). I felt selfish and worthless even though I know I was just protecting myself and that he was way over-reacting to work stuff that he hasn't finished. Have been trying to talk myself down from this all morning.

UB was just taken to the hospital again. It is bad. This might be the end. Maybe that would be a blessing. I'm not sure. My poor husband is the guardian and proxy and his Uncle did not completely fill out the healthcare directives, so on top of being stressed, exhausted, and devastated by this, he is probably going to have to make some difficult decisions if the hospital can't get UB stabilized. I am waiting to hear if we are all going to drive up there this afternoon.

I discovered last night that I completely missed taking my mother to the play for which I had purchased tickets for her birthday. Now I will have to re-buy tickets. Play ends on the 15th and we might have to go north to see UB. I will get an earful if I back out of this to go be with him (then she will feel rejected). I am forgetting things all the time these days. Bills, appointments, deadlines. It is bad. I have never been this scattered. It makes me very angry with myself and scared.

My mother has called 14 times in 24 hours. I spoke with her this morning. She was very confused. Doesn't understand where she is, so it took almost 30 minutes to talk her down and assure her that I'd get her to the dentist tomorrow morning. But if we go north today, I will have to figure out how to explain to her what's happening. It is scaring me that something is going on with her because usually she is more oriented than this. Now I'm feeling like I should take her to the doctor.

AARGH...aside from feeling rushed, one of my top 3 triggers that sends me into total psychological overload is being unable to meet other people's competing needs. Intellectually, I know perfectly well that there are limits on what I can do and that I should not excoriate my soul if I disappoint people (which I definitely do when I don't meet their needs...that's not just my perception). Emotionally, it's a whole different story. Emotionally, I feel that if I can't meet other's needs or balance conflicting needs, then I am worthless. Much of my identity and sense of having a right to be in this world is based on being able to meet others' needs. So, feeling worthless is akin to psychic annihilation.

Right now what I would like to do is run away. But I won't. My system keeps trying to run away, and I keep gently reminding myself to stay present and deal with all this stuff. I'm so blended with my inner children though, that I feel like a young child trying to deal with all these adult responsibilities.