Stressful family situation i can’t change - how do i manage my distress?

[Still Standing]

there are other adults involved including your sister who is responsible for your nieces well being. If they won’t change things, you won’t be able to effect change anyway - I’d just stop them moaning to me about it.

This is how I have seen this. You have three adults in the home. They are not responsible for how they get along. If your parents want your sis out of their home, they have legal ways to have that done. And your sis could also apply for low-cost housing. Though you have concerns, you have no say in the matter unless your niece is being abused and you can prove such. You also have not been invited to help solve their situation. You are being used simply as a vehicle to complain to which causes you to take on concerns that more harm you, than them. As has been mentioned, the best you can do is be the fun, listening, and encouraging aunt to your niece in such a way that it does not encourage her to resent her own parent or grandparents. It is so easy to pass on our own negative views but it serves no healthy purpose in the matter.

There came a time, when hubby and I had to step back from our families and choose not to become involved in their battles or gossip of each other. We started telling them that we did not want to hear their complaints against each other if they were not willing to do something about it themselves. We started refusing to be pulled into what we were unable to influence or change for them. It took a bit of time, but soon, they quit griping about each other to us. And it made life a nicer when around the family. This is something you might consider. By letting them dump their stuff on you, you are taking on things that are not your battle. Look where it has you. You are all upset, concerned, and with no power to do anything about any of it. If it does not bother them enough to change things, don't take up their false battles as your own.

And as far as the daughter sharing the bedroom with her mom, my best friend had the same sleeping arrangement growing up. She and her mom shared a room all the way through high school. She was unscathed by the situation even though she would have rather had her own space. It is not a life-altering situation unless it is made to seem to be such.

 

[barefoot]

@Slushie - yes, if they were homeless, they would be able to get housing through the council.

@LuckiLee - I’m not sure what ideas you think I’ve been given and have shot down?

I’ve said repeatedly from the outset that they are not creating any kind of change so are stuck where they are and that I am powerless to do anything. They are two facts I know.

My reason for posting - and this is in the title of the thread - is that I am really struggling with managing my levels of distress around the situation...a situation I know I cannot change.

Intellectually knowing that the situation is what it is and that it’s “not my circus, not my monkeys” is one thing. But it isn’t helping how I am feeling and what I am struggling with at the moment. I was looking for suggestions around that because I have been dysregulated since the weekend and because I’d like some help with that and with managing my feelings around this going forwards.

 

[barefoot]

@Still Standing - I’m glad things worked out ok with your friend’s daughter. Hopefully the set up with my niece will not turn out to be as detrimental to her as I fear.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey barefoot...I get what you are saying... It might not be your 'monkey' but it still is a bloody circus :banghead:

So if you cannot do anything to change the circumstances can you do something about yourself and how you think and feel?

Obviously this is having a detrimental effect on you because you care and also because there is 'something' else that you are exploring in therapy but haven't got to it so far. That's ok too you will get to it when you are ready.

I agree with Suziteg ...put those boundaries to stop the whining and being a sounding board for all that emotional stuff back front and centre and keep them there.

I know you really do care about you niece but hey she's 12 and sooner than later she is going to want some wriggle space. She may apply her own pressure on the situation as she develops. Teenagers surprise me constantly :) Maybe your niece is actually in the best place really because neither of her parents sound terribly responsible anyway. Sounds like if your sister dipped out completely your niece would still have two fairly stable adults to look to.

I agree with Eve's suggestion too - be a great aunt when you visit. Be the good sister and daughter if you feel so inclined and let the rest slide.

Absolve yourself of the guilt or responsibility. It is beyond your control to change it. It's nice to know your niece has such an awesome auntie watching from a distance. :hug:

 

[barefoot]

Maybe your niece is actually in the best place

your niece would still have two fairly stable adults to look to

I get what you’re saying. Living with my parents does mean she has resources such as a roof over her head, she gets fed, watered, clothed etc. But I wouldn’t really call my parents or their relationship particularly stable! But, yeah...she has somewhere to live.

Be the good sister and daughter if you feel so inclined and let the rest slide.

Absolve yourself of the guilt or responsibility.

Yes...I need to find a way to do this.

It's nice to know your niece has such an awesome auntie watching from a distance

I don’t see how I can be an awesome auntie. I can’t bear to be around her. So, I think that probably makes me the exact opposite.

 

[blackemerald1]

I don’t see how I can be an awesome

^^But you do care and that is all that is needed. We don't have to live in each other's pockets to care do we? lol